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Love is complicated. Otherwise there wouldn’t be three million singles in the Netherlands . But there are types for whom love is even more difficult.
It’s the gullible entrepreneur who keeps pulling out his wallet for the woman who only wants his money. It’s the woman with mascara-laced tears on her cheek, because she’s been betrayed yet again by a man she trusted completely. Or it’s you, wondering why you keep attracting the wrong guys.
Now, it would be easy to blame the opposite sex for not being successful in love . But that would ignore one thing: your own responsibility. Your partner is not responsible for making you feel this way. Your partner may be part of the problem, but they are not the problem. The problem lies in choosing the wrong type.
The naive entrepreneur cannot change the gold digger. What he can change is his preference for money-hungry types. And the betrayed wife cannot change her cheating partner. What she can change is her preference for Don Juans and bad boys . In other words: you may not have the power to change others, but you can make different and better choices.
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People have a ‘type’
Why you keep attracting the same types has to do with your preferences. Everyone has a type. It is an unwritten list of specifications that you would like to see in a partner. It is normal for people to always be attracted to a certain body type, height or skin color. A recent study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences confirms this.
The University of Toronto study of 332 participants shows that people consistently fall for the same type of person, even if that type has proven to be unsuitable. For the study, researchers compared the personalities of the participants’ current and ex-partners.
What they found was that the personalities of these partners were incredibly similar, suggesting that people consciously and unconsciously choose partners who are similar to an ex. So if you keep ending up in relationships with the same type, here’s the simple reason: we have a type that we prefer.
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This type may be wrong
While having a type isn’t a problem, it becomes problematic when you seem to keep attracting the wrong types. For example, as a woman, you may find that every man you get into a relationship with is untrustworthy. Or it’s a pattern of unattainable men that keeps you in relationships where your needs aren’t being met.
Conversely, men can also attract the wrong type. As a man, you could be left by impulsive types who fall in love quickly . Or have a soft spot for strong women who turn out to be quite mean. Again, always the wrong types.
The researchers from the Canadian university have bad news if you keep going for the same, wrong type. Because people, despite the best intentions to seek love outside their usual type, are repeatedly drawn to similar partners. If you don’t change the choices you make, then nothing changes at all. That is one of the conclusions the researchers draw from the study .
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8 Reasons You’re Attracting the Wrong Type
No two people are the same, and that’s why there’s never just one reason for a problem like this. People attract the wrong types for a variety of reasons. Here are eight of those reasons.
1. You are a fixer
Do you have a natural need to “fix” others? You may not be a bad judge of character and just see the best in people, but this can lead to people taking advantage of you. If you attract people who want to fix you, you may end up attracting the wrong types who will break your heart over and over again .
2. You are intimidating
Do you hear from others that you come across as intimidating when people don’t know you? Then it is possible that you only attract certain types. Types that may be wrong for you, but still dare to approach you and start a relationship with you. Being intimidating is also just one example. It can also be another characteristic that makes the good types not feel comfortable enough to start something with you.
3. You take enough with ‘less’
Do you feel like the clock is ticking? And do you feel the need to settle? If you can’t attract the right partner, you may settle for less. You think you should take what you can, but that just sets you up for a pattern of bad choices.
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4. You pretend to be someone you’re not
Are you portraying yourself on dating apps as someone you’re not? If you live an introverted lifestyle that involves nights on the couch, posting only adventurous photos in the most extravagant outfits won’t help you. When you send the wrong signals, you attract the wrong types. The wrong perception of yourself may get you more messages , but the matches you get aren’t the types you want to attract.
5. You live in la-la-land
Love is rarely a fairy tale like we know from the movies. Despite all of this, some singles still make the mistake of living in a fantasy world. You meet someone on a dating app and fill in everything you don’t know yourself. You create a fantasy with the limited knowledge you have of others, only to find out later that it was all an illusion.
6. You like obstacles
Some people consistently choose the hard way. They like to struggle. They want to overcome obstacles. And they enjoy the pain, even though they say they don’t. This habit leads to destructive relationships that “coincidentally” always happen with the wrong type. It’s actually a form of self-sabotage because these obstacles also give you a reason to fail.
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7. You have emotional baggage
No one likes to hear it, but everyone carries a backpack – also known as emotional baggage . It represents the burdens from the past that we carry into the present. If you feel like all of your relationships are following the same script, it could be because of the baggage you’re carrying.
8. You don’t learn from the past
People make mistakes. We don’t do it because it’s fun, but because it’s an opportunity to learn. If you don’t learn from the mistakes you make, what happens? You keep making the exact same mistakes . But despite all of this, many of us don’t stop making the same mistakes over and over again. In other words, if your previous relationships and partners don’t teach you anything, you’ll have similar experiences.
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