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Out of the blue you receive a text: “Can we talk tonight?” Although a normal conversation does not cause any anxiety at all, we all know that this is not going to be an average conversation. The “we need to talk” phrase is a warning sign: a signal that indicates a relationship problem and perhaps an impending breakup. But there are more words that can indicate that your partner is planning to break up , even if they don’t bring it up or talk about it.
According to new psychology research from the University of Texas, small words—used in everyday conversation—can be clues to an impending breakup, months before either partner realizes where and how their relationship ends. How? It all comes down to subtle changes in their language.
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University researchers analyzed more than a million messages from 6,800 Reddit users who announced their breakups on the platform. The messages from these users were collected in the year before and the year after. Based on an analysis, the researchers found that the language they used started to change about three months before the breakup, only to return to normal about six months after the breakup.
The differences in language were noted in both those who were dumped and those who initiated the breakup themselves. For all users, their language changed, becoming more personal and informal—something that suggests a decline in analytical thinking. The researchers say these striking patterns peaked on the day of the breakup.
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Me and us
Now you’re probably wondering, what exactly are those words? The study found that people considering a breakup use the words “I” and “we” more often. The research suggests that the increased use of personal pronouns—like I, you, your, he or she—can signal that a breakup is imminent. The researchers say that the use of the word “I” is linked to depression and sadness, and is a key sign that someone is carrying a “heavy cognitive load.”
“It seems that even before people know a breakup is going to happen, it starts to affect their lives,” said study author Sarah Seraj of UT Austin. “We don’t really notice how often we use prepositions, articles, or pronouns. But how and how much you use these words changes when you’re experiencing personal turmoil, which tells you a lot about your emotional and psychological state.”
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