Why Whining Doesn’t Work in Relationships

No one gets into a relationship to be the nagging partner; it just seems to happen. When you’re young, you’re used to listening to your parent nagging. But you’re not used to being the nagging one yourself when you’re in a relationship later in life. You don’t want to be the nagging one at all, but you slowly go through a metamorphosis until your partner finally says, “Stop nagging, you’re just like my mother.”

Nagging is perhaps the most common problem among couples today. And if we stick to a stereotypical relationship, it is more likely to be the women who complain. The men keep quiet and think: “Why is it never enough?”

When you are at your wits’ end because your partner always forgets to take out the trash, doesn’t lock the door handle, never cleans the windows, doesn’t put the cups in the dishwasher, doesn’t clean the sink after use, doesn’t throw the dirty clothes in the laundry basket , plays games too much and for too long and still doesn’t do a lot of things: then you can start complaining about that.

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What is whining?

Nagging is annoying talking about little things. You do this frequently and for a long time to ultimately get your way. You are constantly complaining, criticizing, insisting that things must be done and actions must be taken. Nagging is a way of expressing your dissatisfaction: always coming back to the same thing by bringing it up in an annoying way.

No one is born a nag. And no one wants to be the one who keeps nagging in a relationship. But one day you notice your loved one doing something wrong. A worn pair of boxers is thrown next to the bed or a coffee cup is left on the table: out of love you gently correct him and he says he won’t do it again. Only he does it again. And again. But even though he says he won’t do it again, nothing changes. The cycle repeats itself over and over again and your soft words become louder. Sweet questions become angry outbursts, but no response is forthcoming.

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The vicious circle of whining

Women complain more often because they traditionally feel more responsible for home and family life. They see it as their job to recognize the early signs of relationship problems to prevent things from getting worse. So they notice more quickly than men when something is wrong. So from the whiner’s perspective, it’s not whining at all: it’s a favor. But by repeatedly complaining they only make things worse: the vicious circle of whining is not doing the relationship any good.

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Why whining doesn’t work

If nagging doesn’t seem to work, then it won’t work. Nagging may get some things done, but it’s the last thing they want to do. Even if it produces the desired results, that you achieve what you wanted to achieve, it often manifests itself in an inevitable bitterness on the part of the partner. And so nagging can have a damaging effect on the relationship, often even irreparably. Here’s why even more whining doesn’t work:

• Your partner feels personally attacked.
• You place yourself in the role of parent and your partner in the role of child.
• It makes your partner defensive.
• Your partner may be resentful.
• It’s disrespectful.
• It is one-sided and biased.
• It can give a ‘not good enough’ feeling to your partner.

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Stop whining

People start to nag each other when other communication techniques don’t work. For lack of anything better, you use the tools at your disposal. Time and time again, you hope for a better result: that you will finally be listened to. But the frustration increases each time that is not the case, on both sides. The solution? Stop nagging.

Realize that nagging is a toxic substitute for good communication. There are more ways to talk about your unmet needs that don’t involve nagging. Here’s how to avoid nagging and doing things you shouldn’t:

• Don’t criticize your partner.
• Don’t blame your partner.
• Don’t humiliate your partner.
• Don’t repeat yourself all the time.
• Don’t attack your partner personally.
• Don’t manipulate.
• Don’t belittle your partner.

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What you should do

Whining is not a solution because it never ends. It is an expression of a negative emotion. But this expression of emotion is often the exact opposite of what needs to be done. The change you long for can be found within yourself. Share your feelings, communicate your unmet needs and take matters into your own hands. And that also means that sometimes you just have to let it go. This is how to stop whining:

• Recognize the negative pattern.
• Share your feelings.
• Try to show your partner what your needs are.
• Let us know what you would like to see differently (calm and controlled).
• Set a good example.
• Discuss the disturbed balance between giving and taking.
• Brainstorm solutions.
• See what happens when you stop whining.
• Perform the task yourself.
• Don’t give an ultimatum.
• Emphasize the positive things your partner does.

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