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Have you ever noticed that when someone rejects you, you want that person even more? It’s a confusing situation that many of us can relate to. You want someone, but they don’t want you. And instead of focusing your thoughts on someone else, you start to want that person even more.
Most of us keep yearning for someone who doesn’t return our feelings. Why does this happen? Why do you want someone who is unattainable ? And why do you only feel more for that person, especially when it’s not the other way around? Let’s dig deeper into this phenomenon and try to understand it.
Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?
Longing for someone who doesn’t want you is an emotional challenge. It brings up a mixture of feelings, of hope and disappointment, of pain and loneliness. Most people experience it at some point in their lives and all agree that it is quite complex.
You may feel frustrated because you don’t understand why the other person doesn’t feel the same way about you. At the same time, you experience a deep-rooted longing for that person, such a strong longing that you keep hoping that the other person will change their mind. It is an inner conflict between hope and disappointment.
One of the hardest parts of this situation is the painful reality of rejection . Every time you see the other person, the fire of passion starts to burn. But when you then experience the harsh reality and notice yet another lack of interest, the fire is immediately extinguished. It feels like a stab right in the heart. You feel rejected. You feel inadequate and that makes you insecure. We all crave love, connection, and validation, and it can be painful when those desires go unanswered.
Ultimately, it can become a vicious circle, where you are repeatedly drawn into hope and disappointment. Every time you think there is a glimmer of interest, you get your hopes up again. But all too often, that hope is then dashed, leaving you disappointed again and again. This repeating pattern is hard.
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7 Reasons Why This Happens
Why do you want someone who doesn’t want you? It’s a question many of us ask ourselves. Why do you focus on people who reject you, instead of those who do want you? There are several theories that try to explain this phenomenon. From a natural defense mechanism to a dopamine rush: here are the reasons.
1. Overinvestment
What is your first reaction when you fail to get someone’s attention? You are likely to invest more in the hope that the other person will respond. This is due to the principle of reciprocity. When you do something for someone, you often subconsciously expect that person to do something similar in return. But what happens when the person you are interested in does not respond? You continue to invest in the hope that the person will eventually respond. And the more you invest, the more you want to get back. It is actually comparable to problem gambling.
Imagine you’re in a casino and you keep increasing your bets, hoping for a big payout. You keep putting chips on the table, thinking that the next spin of the roulette wheel will be your lucky moment. In the same way, you keep investing more and more time, energy, and emotional involvement in someone who doesn’t seem to want you. You keep hoping that eventually you’ll get the reaction you want – when you might never hit the jackpot.
It’s not that the person you’re interested in will never respond, but you can’t keep investing in the hope that one day they will. It’s important to be realistic. Investing too much in someone who isn’t interested often leads to disappointment and usually backfires.
2. Partner Value
Another theory is that you tend to increase the value of a person if they are unresponsive or distant. What you can’t have is more valuable. Or so you think. If someone is unresponsive or distant, it can give the impression that they have many other options or are busy. This can make it seem like they are more valuable because they are harder to come by. But that’s not necessarily the case: it doesn’t equate to a higher partner value, but rather a lack of availability.
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3. Mystery
When someone doesn’t return your feelings, it can become an intriguing riddle that your brain tries to solve. The idea that this person is inaccessible creates a sense of intrigue and adventure within you. You are fascinated by the question marks that surround this person. What makes this person so irresistible? Why is this person elusive to you? Why are your feelings not being returned? The mystery fuels your desire and makes you believe that if you dig deeper, you might find the key to their heart.
4. Defense mechanism
Chasing someone who is unreachable can also be a defense mechanism. You want someone who is unreachable and in doing so you unconsciously create a safe distance. So you unconsciously choose not to enter into a relationship, so that you also avoid the risk of an emotional relationship. Why would you do this? For self-protection.
Desire for unattainable people can be a form of self-protection to maintain control. You are not held responsible for the success or failure of the relationship, because that relationship will never happen. This behavior can stem from a fear of being hurt or of failing in relationships.
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5. Desire for confirmation
Deep down, we all crave validation and appreciation. When someone rejects you, you feel tested. You want to prove that you are worthy, even if it means competing for the attention of someone who doesn’t want you. It’s like an internal challenge to prove your worth and show that you can get validation. Even though your worth doesn’t depend on the validation of others, in this case you think it does.
6. Repetition of patterns
Sometimes people are drawn to unattainable people because of deep-rooted emotional patterns from the past. For example, if you have had past experiences where you were rejected, you may unconsciously repeat this pattern. Subconsciously, you want to repeat those old painful experiences and keep hoping for a different outcome.
For example, if you grew up in an environment where affection or attention was scarce, you may unconsciously be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. You may think that if you try hard enough, you will eventually receive the love and affection you once lacked. Repeating this pattern gives you a second chance—a chance to heal old wounds and force a different outcome.
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7. Dopamine
When you want someone you know you can’t have, there’s a sense of unpredictability and uncertainty that triggers your brain in a big way, and we’re talking about a dopamine rush. Instead of receiving a consistent reward, like you would if your feelings were reciprocated, the unattainability creates a sort of “reward spike.”
Unpredictability gives a bigger dopamine rush than if you always got the desired reward. And just like mentioned before, this peak is also comparable to playing a gambling game, where the uncertainty of the outcome actually contributes to the excitement and the desire for the reward.
By receiving periodic, unpredictable attention from the person you want, a cycle of hope and expectation is created. This cycle activates the reward system in your brain and causes an increased release of dopamine. It’s like getting a small reward every now and then, but wanting much more, which increases the desire even more. Your brain loves that uncertainty and the intense reward spikes that come with it.
Whichever theory applies to you, chasing someone who doesn’t want you can be a challenging experience. It can lead to disappointment, frustration, and a bitter taste of unrequited desire. So ask yourself: isn’t it time to put yourself first? Focus your energy on those who truly appreciate your love and efforts. Because if you continue to get stuck in a pattern of repeated disappointment, you’ll never find the love you want.
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