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A few years ago, most of Mark’s friends were single. They’d hang out at each other’s houses during the week, and on the weekends, they’d grab a table at their favorite cafe almost every day. They’d swap stories of crazy Tinder dates and bad one-night stands. They’d share screenshots and discuss bad pick-up lines . At the time, it seemed like nothing would ever change. For 26-year-old Mark, it felt like it would always be this way. They were young, ignorant, and free.
Now Mark is 33. The stories of bad dates have been replaced by conversations about dirty diapers. His friends are all in committed relationships – some with kids, some not. But not Mark, he’s still single.
The nights in the pub have made way for weekends on the couch for his friends, while Mark is still swiping on Tinder . And when he does try to get the boys together, his messages go unread or are answered with a firm ‘no’.
On the rare occasions that they do have time to meet up, it’s no longer about flings and hookups . They talk about topics that Mark can’t talk about. It seems like he and his friends have less and less in common. He feels left out, because his reality is no longer the same as his friends’. He’s the last single person in his group of friends. What now? What should Mark do?
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The last single in a group of friends
It’s hard not to feel left out when everyone around you starts settling down . It actually starts at a young age, when you’re taught that being last isn’t okay. No one wanted to be picked last in gym class. And certainly not the very last.
As we grow older, we don’t leave this mentality behind, we take it with us. For example, you want the best of the best for your friends, as long as they don’t tick too many boxes that you haven’t ticked. A first kiss , the first time having sex : if everyone has done it, you don’t want to be the last. We know that it’s not always necessary to be the first, but being the last is no different. And if you’re the last single in a group of friends, that’s no different.
Being surrounded by friends who are in a different phase of life than you is not easy. It can cause you to:
- …jealousy feels
- …you start doubting yourself
- …ask yourself if you can do it too
- …gets lonely
- …thinks he is missing something
- …you feel inferior
Seeing everyone around you making plans for the future, getting happy with their partner and ‘succeeding’ in life can cause feelings of loneliness. Partly because it means your group of friends will never be the same again and partly because you would like that too.
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7 Ways to Deal with It
As the last person in a group of friends who hasn’t yet managed to start a relationship, you’re in a position of unique challenges. You’re asked questions that your friends aren’t. You’re given well-meaning dating tips from people you don’t want to hear from. And you’re feeling things that no one else around you is feeling. How do you cope? How do you navigate being the last single person in a group of friends that everyone else is nestled into?
1. Realize that it’s not the end of the world
It really isn’t. Being in a relationship isn’t the most important goal in life. Ultimately, it’s about being happy, in whatever form that may be. There are plenty of other things to focus on besides your single status. Focus on your career, sports, health, and discovering who you really are. As a single person, you have complete freedom and time to explore who you are and what you want to achieve. And when you do get into a relationship, that knowledge will come in very handy.
2. Be open with your friends
It’s tempting to keep your struggles to a minimum if your friends aren’t going through the same thing. You don’t want them to feel sorry for you and label you as the hopeless case in your group of friends. But there’s also no need to completely shut yourself off from your group of friends. If they’re real friends, they want to see you happy too – whether that’s with or without a partner.
They can help you figure out what you really want, give support when love fails again and maybe even help you find a partner. At least, if you share your desires with them openly and honestly.
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3. Try new things
It’s scientifically proven that people in relationships spend less time on friendships. Relationships come at the expense of good friends, as romantic partners take up time that would otherwise be invested in platonic relationships, researchers say. When your friends start devoting their free time to their partners, it’s harder to find someone to do the activities you used to do. You might be tempted to stay home, but that’s counterproductive.
Whether it’s sports or another hobby: you can also try it alone. Being single gives you the best chance to do the things you want to do . At first you might feel a bit more self-conscious, but after some experience it actually gives you more freedom. After all, you decide where you go, what you have to do and when you leave again.
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4. Don’t let it rule your life
Even though you may want nothing more than to find a partner, it won’t help if you make dating your number one priority. In other words, don’t get so caught up in the search for a partner that you forget to do the things you enjoy. If you like to exercise, keep doing it. If you like to hang out with coworkers, don’t change that. And if you like to garden, keep doing it. Put your life first. Because when you meet the right person, you’ll still have the life you want to live.
5. Stay positive
Staying positive is easier said than done when your relationship status is stuck on ‘single’. While you may feel like giving up on love , it doesn’t help to have a negative attitude towards dating. Statistically, there are far more people who think they’ll stay single than people who actually stay single for long. That’s why people say ‘there’s a lid for every pot’, because at some point even the most uneligible single person will meet someone they click with. But this is less likely to happen if you have a negative attitude.
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6. Find some new single friends
You’re never too old to make new friends. You may already know some people who are single, so reach out to them so you can still get out with people who are in the same phase of life as you. This doesn’t mean you have to get rid of your old friends – your new friends are for the side. With your new friends, you can talk about your struggles, share experiences, and maybe even attend some singles events.
7. Learn from your connected friends
You’d be surprised what you can learn from your coupled friends. Because they’re going through things you haven’t, you can learn from the mistakes they make . They can tell you about the good things about relationships, but also about the realities and the obstacles. As an outsider, you’ll get a new and independent perspective on relationships, and that will help you get the picture of what you want for yourself one day. Because, as cliché as it may sound, that day will come.
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