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You look at your phone with a confused look as you scroll through the messages you’ve exchanged with her. For months, you’ve stood by her and been available whenever she needs you. You’ve invited her to dinner, brought her presents, and listened to all her problems. Even though you didn’t tell her how you felt, you hoped that eventually she would see how much you cared. You’re… in love.
The problem is that everything changed when you expressed your feelings. You told her that you felt more than just friendship for her and you assumed that those feelings were mutual. Otherwise, she wouldn’t want to spend so much time with you, right? But to your disappointment, she told you that she only wanted to be friends. You don’t understand. How is it possible that after all the time you’ve put into it, she only sees you as a friend?
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What is the friendzone?
If you are in a friendly relationship with someone you would rather see as your romantic partner, you can express your feelings and hope that the romantic feelings are mutual. If that is not the case, and the other person sees you more as a friend, you are put in the friend zone. The friend zone is a term used to refer to a situation where you have romantic feelings for someone who does not share those feelings, but still considers you a good friend.
Although the term sounds friendly enough, it can be a source of frustration and disappointment for the person who has the feelings. This can lead to the feeling that you are stuck in a ‘friendly’ relationship, when you would like it to be a sexual and romantic relationship. You want to be more than friends, the other person does not. In this sense, the friendzone is an imaginary space in which you reside when your feelings for a friend are not mutual.
Damn! She friendzoned me
Where does the term come from?
Although the situation of a friend who wants to be more than friends has existed for many centuries, it has only been given a name since the mid-1990s. The term friendzone was introduced and made known worldwide by the American hit series Friends. In one of the episodes, entitled ‘ The One with the Blackout ‘, Ross Geller, one of the characters, was described by another character as the mayor of the friendzone. In the Netherlands, the term only became popular in 2004 to describe the criticized situation. In the last decade, friendzone has become a common term.
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How do you get into the friend zone?
When you get friendzoned, you may wonder how it happened. Did you do something wrong? Are you not attractive enough? You wonder how it got to this point. Was it because you waited too long to express your feelings? Or did you not give enough signals that you wanted to be more than just friends?
There are several reasons why you can end up in the friend zone. One of the main reasons is that you are too passionate or reserved in expressing your feelings. You do not show passion or sexual energy, for example to avoid being rejected. Another reason can be that the other person is only interested in friendship and not in a love relationship, for example because of all the extra obligations and rules. And it can also be that you are placed in the friend zone because the other person does not want to risk the ‘friendship’.
While no one wants to end up in this difficult situation , some men manage to end up in the friend situation again and again. It is not their friends’ fault, but their own. It also rarely has anything to do with their appearance, but mainly with their behavior. They behave more like a friend and less like a partner.
- They don’t make themselves attractive enough to others, they are only friendly and helpful, they don’t tease or tease .
- They choose the wrong person, who is not a good fit for them sexually or romantically.
- They are not brave enough to express their feelings and fail to communicate their needs.
- They do too much, which means they don’t give the other person any space to develop feelings.
Example: This is how you are in the friend zone (as a man)
You met her while playing sports. You managed to get her number and since then you do everything to win her over. You walk her dog when she is away for a weekend with friends and during the week you pick up her packages at the PostNL point. Because you want to show her how good you would be for her as a partner, you are there for her.
You are there when she needs someone, you provide emotional support and lend your strong shoulder to cry on. The problem? You are not her partner. You are her friend. And you are treated as such. This is the friendzone – the horrible place you do not want to end up.
In the time that you know her, she ends up in bed with one guy after another. You know this because she tells you every time. It hurts. She asks you why men do certain things and how the male brain works . You give her the answers she needs, referring to how a real man like you would do it. And every time you hope that it will come to nothing, so that she sees how good you are for her. You are a good friend, but nothing more.
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How do you stay out of the friend zone?
If what you’re doing isn’t working, don’t try to do more. Try something else. Once you’re in the friend zone, it’s difficult—or even impossible—to go from friend to partner. There’s no guaranteed way out of the friend zone, and that’s largely because you can’t control someone else’s feelings.
However, there are a number of things you can try to change the situation. These measures and tips mainly have to do with the way your friend sees you. Because if you want to get out of the friend zone, you have to break the usual pattern of friendly behavior. These are a number of tips to get out of the friend zone and stay there.
1. Accept it
The first step to getting out of the friendzone is acceptance. You don’t sit in the waiting room waiting for the other person to be ready for you. Life is too short for that. Accept that you are just a friend and do something about it. There is no better time than now.
2. Let the other work for your attention
Those who end up in the friendzone are often easy to reach. There is no challenge to get your attention. You are there. Always. If you are available at all times of the day, you are doing it wrong. Make the other person work to get your attention, otherwise it is not challenging enough.
3. Don’t tell everything
When you meet someone for the first time, you are curious about everything about that person. You ask a lot and share a lot. But sharing information about yourself can work against you. Tell everything about yourself right away and you take away the excitement and interest for the other person to discover you. It takes away the interesting part of yourself, the mysterious part that the other person wants to know more about. So stay a bit mysterious. The lack of information about yourself makes you interesting and that creates part of the attraction .
4. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
Feeling sorry for yourself will not help you get out of the friend zone. Or worse, allowing your friend to feel sorry for you. Don’t be angry or down on yourself for not being good enough. This is the very behavior that got you into the friend zone in the first place. Give yourself a chance to make things right.
5. Don’t put the other person on a pedestal
One of the main reasons why someone ends up in the friend zone is the unfair distribution. Not only do you want more than the other person, but you also give more than the other person. What often happens with men is that they put a woman on a pedestal. However, that only pushes them further into the friend zone
6. Call and text less
To get out of the friend zone, you have to behave differently than you normally do. The usual pattern of calling and texting? Just interrupt it for a while. When you break this pattern, the attention you get changes. By not making yourself heard, you will probably get more attention than if you text and call every day.
7. Take distance
When you distance yourself for a while, don’t let anyone hear from you for a while and reduce contact, you give the other person the chance to miss you. We often only appreciate things when they are no longer there. When you are in the friend zone, this emptiness is never there; you are always there as a friend. By distancing yourself, you break the friend zone.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire: it extinguishes the small, but kindles the great. – Spinoza
8. Show less interest
You ask questions and show interest in the other person’s life. That’s what a friend does. To get out of the friend zone, you do the exact opposite – you show less interest. Showing less interest makes you more challenging, mysterious, and hard to get.
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9. Don’t be friends
If you think that you will get closer by becoming friends ‘first’, you are wrong. You are more likely to create a situation from which it will be difficult to escape. Do not give relationship advice as a ‘friend’, but also do not discuss your own love life. It is very simple: if you do not become friends, you cannot get into the friend zone.
10. Dare to say no
As a friend, you tend to avoid conflict and go with the flow of the friendship. This pattern of friendly conversation and polite actions makes you a potential victim of the friend zone. Set boundaries and say no when you don’t want to do something. The people who always say yes end up in the friend zone.
11. Stop asking permission
Friendzoners, let’s call them that, often do everything they can to avoid being disappointed or rejected. They ask permission before they do something because they are afraid of being disapproved of. They are afraid of rejection. If you want to get out of the friendzone, stop asking permission right away – you are the boss of your own actions.
12. Don’t show your real feelings
Are you in love? Then keep in mind that this can be a reason to move you to the friend zone. This is especially the case if you know that the other person does not (yet) feel this way about you. You are going too fast. You are showing too much. You are not a challenge.
13. Take charge
Don’t be afraid to make decisions, even if it’s not always to the other person’s liking. This is part of an equal relationship. Especially for men, it’s important to take the lead if they don’t want to end up in the friend zone. If you let her make all the decisions and dance to her tune all the time, you’re seen as weak. And that’s a reason why you’re more likely to be placed in the friend zone.
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14. Stop obsessive behavior
Texting all day, stalking social media, looking at photos, you name it: if you are obsessing over your ‘friend’, take a step back. It will not help you get out of the friend zone if you continue to obsess. It will only push you deeper into it. Do this the same way you would with an ex. Delete the photos from your phone, hide the social media updates, and do everything you can to get the other person out of your mind.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. – GK Chesterton
15. Date others
Sometimes people don’t realize how they feel about someone until it’s too late. And that’s exactly what this tip is about. Date others to show them that you’re attractive and desirable as a partner. Give your “friend” the chance to be jealous, so they might look at you differently. Again, people don’t appreciate something until they’re about to lose it. With these dating apps, you can be talking to someone other than your friend within minutes.
If the jealousy is not there and you don’t see any emotion or competition in your friend, then you can assume that it will probably never be more than friends . Fortunately, by then you will already be in contact with others who want and… deserve your attention.
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