What is Phubbing and Why is it a Problem?

Millions of apps, triple cameras, beauty filters and social media; there is no doubt that smartphones have changed our lives. And not only your own life, but also that of your partner. There is also no doubt that smartphones can unintentionally cause conflict in a relationship.

Reading a text message from your partner without responding, who doesn’t do it? It’s an innocent act that can sometimes have major consequences. Thanks to the blue check marks, your partner knows that you’ve read the message, but haven’t bothered to respond. The read receipts leave him or her confused, and ultimately create a drama about nothing.

Why isn’t he/she responding? Did I say something wrong? Am I not important enough? Does he/she prioritize the relationship? The simple symbols in an app that don’t change color: they sometimes guarantee a heated discussion about relationship values. Some even argue about it and only realize after half an hour that it meant nothing at all. He or she was simply too busy working, or fell asleep.

This is just one of the examples of the smartphone effect in a relationship. And it’s nothing compared to another bad relationship habit . We’re talking about phubbing: ignoring your partner while you’re on your smartphone.

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What is phubbing?

Phubbing is the act of insulting someone by not paying attention to them while using your smartphone. You treat others as if they are not important and give priority to your smartphone. The perhaps somewhat strange term is a combination of ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’, the latter being the English translation of ignore.

Phubbing was first coined as a term in May 2012. An Australian advertising agency created the word to describe a growing phenomenon. Everyone knows that phenomenon: people who ignore their friends and family and scroll through their phones instead. Shortly after, the ‘Stop Phubbing’ campaign was launched. In the meantime, the term phubbing can even be found in the Dutch VanDale.

phubbing (communicatiemedia)

Ignoring your conversation partner by being busy with your smartphone 

While the word “phubbing” isn’t something you say every day, the act is something that happens every day in your relationship. One study found that more than 17 percent of people phub someone at least four times a day. And nearly 32 percent of people reported being ignored two to three times a day because someone prioritizes their smartphone. ²

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Why is it a problem?

It’s clear that the phone doesn’t force you to scroll through Instagram while you watch TV with your partner. The smartphone isn’t the problem, the people using the smartphone are. But the smartphone is still the cause of some unique relationship problems that didn’t exist 20 years ago.

And because you use your phone every day, it’s a piece of technology that can cause subtle conflicts every day. Without realizing it, you’re ignoring your partner multiple times a day, and it’s having a negative effect on your relationship. While the behavior may not seem like a big deal, research suggests that phubbing can harm your relationship and even your own mental health.

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The consequences

Phubbing is not innocent, although it may seem so. Because while using your smartphone is part of your daily routine, it directly affects the quality of your relationship. Phubbing interrupts your ability to be present during a conversation and connect with the people around you. Conflicts over phone use are the driving forces behind relationship problems.

• You feel neglected when your partner doesn’t pay attention to you, but does pay attention to the smartphone.
• You become disappointed when tasks don’t get done because the phone demanded all your attention.
• Your time together is disrupted by apps, emails and other notifications.

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What do the studies say?

The phenomenon may seem like an annoying part of modern life, but research shows it can damage your relationships. Ironically, phubbing is meant to connect you with someone, through social media or messaging, but at the same time it can disrupt personal relationships with the people around you. And especially the relationship with your partner. This is what the studies have to say about it.

• One study shows that texting during a face-to-face conversation makes the conversation less satisfying for everyone involved, even the phubber. 
• Another study found that partners who phub each other are more likely to suffer from depression. 
• Overall, smartphone use and phubbing can also impact marriages. Another study shows that phubbing reduces satisfaction in a marriage. 
• According to research, the effect of phubbing is most prevalent among people who are ignored because someone else gives priority to the smartphone. Phubbing threatens ‘basic needs’, the study found. 

Phubbing your partner is also the start of a vicious circle. Research shows that people who are phubbed are more likely to reach for their phones themselves. They then try to connect with their social media network to fill that void. But unfortunately, social media doesn’t help you feel better about your relationship either.

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