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Dating in these modern times seems like a breeze, right? But trust us, once you try it, you’ll soon discover it’s easier said than done. In the 21st century dating landscape, there are all kinds of new trends that are making the path of love quite bumpy. One of those new terms you must have heard about is ‘gaslighting’.
Gaslighting is an old trick with a new twist, where someone confuses you so emotionally that you begin to doubt your own reality. Does your match lie about little things without any hesitation and flatly deny that they said anything? Or does your new lover have a habit of causing confusion by sending conflicting signals? Then you may be dealing with gaslighting in your relationship.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is like a kind of emotional mind game where you start to doubt yourself and your sanity. It’s a sneaky form of manipulation that leaves you reeling in a relationship and doubting your own perceptions. Lies, false comments, creating confusion and giving ambiguous signals are just a few examples of gaslighting.
The scary thing about this manipulative trick is that it is often used secretly and subtly, slowly but surely doing its destructive work. The target? Taking control of you. People who use these tricks often use the following techniques:
- They lie without batting an eyelid.
- They blame their own bad behavior on you.
- They deny they ever said anything, even if you have proof.
- They keep you confused with conflicting signals.
- They respond to what is dear to you.
- They continue with their manipulation.
- They say one thing but do another.
- They try to turn others against you.
- They make you believe you are crazy.
- They claim that others are all liars.
Gaslighting is not just a series of manipulative tactics, it is a form of emotional abuse that can have serious consequences for the victim. Obviously, it’s important to understand that gaslighting is never acceptable in a healthy relationship.
Example
You have been together with your partner for a while and everything seems perfect. But lately you’ve noticed subtle changes in your loved one’s behavior. Your partner increasingly starts telling you little lies about unimportant things, things that you have seen and experienced yourself. And if you point this out to your partner, they will flatly deny that they ever said anything like that. It feels like you’re starting to doubt yourself, like your memory is failing you. You wonder if maybe you misunderstood. But deep inside you feel that something is not right.
One day, when you try to talk about your feelings and doubts, your partner turns the situation around and accuses you of paranoia and excessive concern. Your partner claims that you are distorting everything and mercilessly mows down your arguments. You feel backed into a corner, confused and powerless. That’s when you realize that your partner has lured you into an emotional trap, and you begin to understand what gaslighting really means. It’s scary how your partner slowly but surely undermines your self-esteem and sense of reality.
ALSO READ: 4 Reasons To Indicate Your Limits
How can you recognize gaslighting?
You know love isn’t always easy, but what happens when the line between love and manipulation becomes blurred? In a relationship you expect respect, support and understanding, but sometimes destructive patterns creep in unnoticed. And that is difficult to recognize, because it is like a cunning shadow that slowly takes away the sun. You start to doubt yourself, your memories and your feelings. In this maze of confusion, it’s good that you can recognize the signs of gaslighting. These are the things you should pay attention to.
1. Your partner lies flat out to you
You notice that your partner repeatedly denies things that you are sure happened. These are not little white lies, but gross deceptions designed to confuse you.
2. Your partner denies ever saying anything, even when you have proof
When you confront your partner with evidence of their statements or actions, they act like they have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s like they deny your own reality and make you doubt your own memories.
“I was just at home last night, you couldn’t have seen me. I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
3. Your partner projects their own bad behavior onto you
Instead of admitting their own mistakes, they accuse you of the very same things they are guilty of. It’s like a mirror reflecting their own shortcomings back on you.
4. You begin to doubt your own memory and perception
Your partner’s constant denial and manipulation makes you think your memory is unreliable. You start to believe that maybe you’re seeing everything wrong, even if you were sure.
5. Your partner creates confusion with conflicting signals
Your partner may behave understanding at times, and cold and distant at other times. In other words: mixed signals . This creates constant confusion and uncertainty about where you stand in the relationship.
6. Your partner accuses you of paranoia
Every time you try to express your concerns, your feelings are downplayed. Your concern is exaggerated. Your partner tells you that you are too sensitive or that you take everything too hard.
“You always worry too much, it’s no big deal.”
7. Your partner isolates you from friends and family
A gaslighter exerts control over your social life, making you feel increasingly isolated. This makes it more difficult to find support outside the relationship.
8. You constantly feel uncomfortable and insecure in the relationship
The emotional manipulation and constant doubt sows a constant sense of discomfort and insecurity in your relationship. You wonder where you stand.
Also read: Why Self-love Starts With Recognizing Your Limits
9. Your partner uses emotional blackmail and manipulation
Your partner cleverly plays on your emotions and uses guilt to get you to do what they want. Emotional manipulation is the gaslighter’s tool for control.
“If you really loved me, you would do this for me.”
10. You feel like you’re constantly wrong
Whether it concerns everyday matters or important decisions, you start to believe that you make mistakes all the time. You misunderstand everything, you think. Your confidence in yourself is wavering.
11. Your partner repeatedly tells you that you are exaggerating
Whenever you express concerns, they are dismissed as exaggerated or unnecessary. They minimize your feelings and tell you that you pay too much attention to trivial things.
12. Your partner ignores you when you try to talk about your concerns or feelings
Any attempt to communicate is met with silence. Your partner seems completely uninterested in what you have to say, which makes you feel unheard.
13. You find yourself constantly apologizing
You apologize again and again, even when your partner is the only one misbehaving. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s like taking the blame to keep the peace.
14. Your partner says you’re twisting things
When you try to clarify your position, they claim that you have misunderstood the situation or that you are distorting the facts . They turn reality around.
“You completely misunderstood, that wasn’t what I meant.”
15. You feel trapped in the relationship
Your partner’s manipulative control makes you feel more and more trapped. It’s like an emotional prison from which escape seems impossible.
16. Your partner mocks your feelings
Your partner uses sarcasm and cynicism to ridicule you. And that is humiliating and hurtful.
17. You are often confronted with passive-aggressive behavior
Instead of communicating openly, your partner expresses dissatisfaction in an ugly way: with passive-aggressive behavior . Think of silence, sabotage or revengeful actions.
18. Your partner tries to cut you off from financial resources
Your partner tries to take full control of your finances, making you dependent on them for money.
19. Your partner threatens to end the relationship
Your partner uses a potential breakup as a manipulative tactic to get you to comply. Or at least give in to their demands. With the aim of putting pressure on you.
20. You start to wonder if you’re going crazy
The constant manipulation and confusion makes you doubt your own mental health. You wonder if you are losing your grip on reality .
“You really need help, you’re really confused.”
Also read: 4 Reasons To Indicate Your Limits
21. Your partner tries to convince you that they have your best interests at heart
Despite their harmful behavior, they continually claim that they have your best interests at heart. Their actions come from a place of concern for you, of course.
22. You avoid sharing your thoughts and feelings
You feel inhibited from being open about what you think and feel because you fear your partner’s negative reaction.
23. Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you
Instead of offering support during difficult times, your partner uses your vulnerabilities and insecurities as a weapon against you. Your partner knows exactly what you are sensitive about, how they can affect you and uses this against you.
24. You constantly feel exhausted and stressed in the relationship
The constant battle for the truth takes its toll. You constantly feel tired and stressed.
25. Your partner manipulates you into doing things you don’t really want to do
Your partner applies pressure to force you to do things that go against your own wishes and beliefs. That can feel like you are losing your own autonomy.
26. You lose touch with friends and hobbies
You find yourself spending less and less time with friends because your partner actively discourages or criticizes this.
Where is it from?
The term ‘gaslighting’ has its origins in Patrick Hamilton’s play ‘Gas Light’, which was first performed in 1938. The play was later adapted into a film of the same name, ‘Gaslight’, released in 1940, directed by Thorold Dickinson. The film was later remade in 1944 by George Cukor and given the same name.
In the original story, a woman named Paula is slowly and systematically manipulated by her husband Gregory into thinking she is going crazy. Gregory does this by dimming the gas lamps in their house at night, claiming that Paula is imagining things when she notices the change in light intensity. He begins to isolate her and convinces her that her perceptions and feelings are incorrect. The term ‘gaslighting’ is derived from the act of dimming the gas lamps in the story.
Although the term originated in fiction, it is now used to describe a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. The author and therapist Dr. Robin Stern contributed greatly to the understanding of gaslighting and wrote about it in her book ‘The Gaslight Effect’, bringing the term to greater attention in the context of emotional abuse and manipulation many years after its film adaptation .
The consequences
Stern says that – at best – the behavior can make the woman feel uncomfortable because she is always wrong. At worst, it can lead to deep depression, where strong and vibrant people become trapped in a life of misery and self-loathing. Long-term abuse can result in persistent feelings of anxiety, confusion and reduced confidence in your own memory and perception.
1. Loss of self-confidence
You begin to doubt your own capabilities and ability to correctly perceive the world around you. The gaslighter’s constant denial of your feelings and perceptions makes you question your own intuition. This can result in a serious loss of self-confidence and a constant feeling of insecurity.
2. Insulation
Slowly but surely you are kept away from friends and family. The gaslighter wants to make you dependent on their support and manipulates you into distancing yourself from people who could help you. This is a suffocating situation in which you become isolated and increasingly dependent on the manipulator.
3. Anxiety and depression
The constant feeling of confusion, powerlessness, and incessant pressure from the gaslighter can lead to severe anxiety and depression. It’s like being trapped on an emotional roller coaster without end. The constant stress starts to take its toll on your emotional well-being.
4. Health problems
The chronic stress associated with gaslighting can manifest itself in physical health problems. Headaches, stomach upsets and even a weakened immune system can result from the constant tension. Your body is reacting to the emotional torture you are going through.
Also read: How haptotherapy helped me recover from my burnout
5. Self-doubt
You start to doubt your own identity and decision-making ability. The constant repeated feeling of being wrong and the belief that you can never make the right choices creates deep-seated self-doubt. Your identity slowly fades away and is replaced by the manipulative reality the gaslighter has created for you. You lose confidence in yourself and your ability to see the truth.
If this deception continues, you can be manipulated to the point where living a normal life seems like an impossible task. Stern describes it as “a form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even more difficult to break free from.” People who manipulate others in this way do so to maintain a tight grip on them and make others dependent on themselves. And let’s be honest: that’s really sinister, right?
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