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Most people enter into relationships with new people without any problems, as if it were a given. For these people, connecting with another person is as natural as breathing or driving a car. But for some people, every relationship is a complex situation, where doubts and fears can get in the way of a possible future.
Are you having trouble getting into a long-term relationship or do you have a partner who still doesn’t want to call your relationship a ‘relationship‘ after many months? Then it could be the result of commitment phobia. We’ll tell you more about this relationship phobia.
What is commitment phobia?
Fear of commitment is a familiar expression. You read about it in magazines, hear it on television, and perhaps even use it to describe yourself or others who seem chronically unable to maintain a committed relationship. But fear of commitment is more than that.
Fear of commitment is a psychological term that refers to the feeling of fear or inability to make a long-term commitment or relationship. People with fear of commitment often feel suffocated, trapped, or restricted when they try to commit to another person, such as in a romantic relationship.
Fear of commitment is also known as relationship phobia, gamophobia or relationship anxiety.
The fear of commitment can manifest itself in a variety of ways, such as avoiding emotional intimacy, physical contact, commitment or responsibility, or constantly seeking new experiences and relationships without committing to one person. As you can imagine, an inability to form a healthy, long-term relationship can seriously hinder the quality of your life. And this fear can have negative consequences for both the person with the fear of commitment and their partner.
Fear of commitment is not a psychological condition in itself. It is usually connected to one or more deep-rooted psychological problems. These problems are not created in a day, which means that they will not disappear in a day.
“I love her so much, even though I’ve only known her for a short time! She just wants everything so fast. It may not be fast, but it feels that way. Every time she hints about living together or a long-term future, the hairs on my arm stand up, I get the shivers and I wonder how I’m going to escape!” – Anonymous
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Symptoms and characteristics
Falling in love with someone with commitment issues can be a nightmare. You’re willing to commit to someone for the long haul, but every mention of a future together ends in a heated argument. While you can’t completely avoid falling in love with someone with commitment issues, you can recognize the symptoms and characteristics.
Do you think you might be suffering from commitment phobia? You don’t have to exhibit all of the following symptoms, but the more symptoms you exhibit, the more likely you have a fear of commitment:
- You’ve only had short relationships
- You don’t like to make plans more than a few weeks into the future
- You don’t like to define the relationship
- You use a lot of words like maybe, perhaps and probably
- You are sexually active, often with different partners and without obligations
- You don’t say you love someone quickly
- You don’t have many good friends
- You don’t use the words ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’
- You’d rather not think about the future of the relationship
- You are unpredictable and impulsive
- You often want to take it easy
- You need your own space and time
- You often have doubts in relationships
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Who has it?
People with commitment issues come in all shapes, sizes and colours. You can’t see it from the outside and their exact dating and relationship behaviour varies. Some people who fear relationships stick to one-night stands to avoid any form of commitment, while others can maintain a relationship for months. And then there are people with commitment issues who can maintain a relationship for years, but then it is nothing more than an on-again, off-again relationship without any form of obligation. Although traditionally thought to be a male problem, both men and women can have commitment issues.
People with relationship anxiety generally have a serious problem staying in a relationship for the long term. While they can feel love like anyone else, the feelings can be more intense and scary than for most people. These feelings lead to more anxiety, which builds on itself, creating a snowball effect as the relationship progresses and the commitments increase.
When it comes to the ultimate dilemma, they are more likely to end the relationship than to make an “official” commitment, such as living together, getting married, having children, or even naming the relationship. Or they are open to it at first, but change their minds days or weeks later.
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What causes the fear?
The causes of relationship phobia are as varied as the people who suffer from it. For most people who have it, it stems from past experiences. Either they have experienced it themselves or through observing others, for example if they have experienced a bitter divorce from their parents. Here are some common causes of fear of commitment:
1. Previous experiences of abandonment or rejection
People who have been rejected or abandoned by significant people in their lives in the past may develop a fear of commitment as a way to protect themselves from future pain.
2. Uncertainty about one’s own abilities or personality
Some people with commitment issues may feel insecure about their own ability to maintain a relationship or fear that they are not good enough for someone else.
3. Loss of autonomy
Some people have a fear of commitment because they are afraid that a relationship will take away their independence . That will limit their freedom of choice and they don’t want that.
4. Fear of intimacy
People with commitment phobia may experience fear of emotional intimacy, making them uncomfortable sharing personal feelings and thoughts with others.
5. Negative experiences in previous relationships
People with commitment phobia may also have had previous negative experiences in relationships, making them reluctant to get into a similar situation again.
6. Personal problems
Finally, personal issues such as depression and other psychological problems can be responsible for the fear of commitment.
Before you jump to conclusions, it’s important to realize that not all of the above reasons have to be true. There could be another reason why you don’t want to commit to the person. That’s when it’s simply not the right relationship for you. Your partner may be sweet, attractive, and well-mannered—sometimes the romantic attraction just isn’t strong enough.
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8 Tips to Combat Commitment Anxiety
Fear is one of the main reasons why some people never stay in a relationship for long. The fear can come from previous relationships that went wrong, growing up in a broken home, or losing your own personality or freedom. Whatever the reason, the fear is all in your head and there is almost always something you can do about it.
Although it is not easy to fight fears, it can improve your life considerably. If you do want to commit to someone, there are things you can do to get past the critical point. Here are some tips that can help you get over your fear of commitment:
1. Be honest with yourself
The first step in overcoming fear of commitment is to acknowledge the fear. Only when you are honest with yourself is it possible to do something about it. Ask yourself what is holding you back from staying with someone longer.
- What do you think happens when you commit to someone?
- Is it based on realistic future prospects or are you exaggerating?
- What scares you when you think about a future with someone?
- What are the real reasons why you never last long?
By asking yourself these questions, you will get a better picture of what is holding you back from committing to someone for a long time. It will not only help you, but also your partner. After all, you can only share it with someone else if you have gained some clarity for yourself.
2. Ask yourself if it’s you or your partner
Does fear of commitment come up in every relationship or do you have it with just one person? If you don’t normally have it but suddenly have a fear of commitment to someone, it may not be your fault, but the other person. Some people are afraid of commitment to everyone in romantic relationships, regardless of who the partner is, others are afraid of commitment to a specific person.
If you are open to committing to someone for a long time, but not to your current partner, then this is a reason to think carefully. Why don’t you want to commit to this person? Can it be changed or do you have little confidence in it?
3. Write down your fears
Writing helps you organize your thoughts. What are you afraid of and what are your worries? Several studies have shown that writing down your worries can calm you down. Writing also helps reduce your worries about the future.
An interesting study on fear of commitment is from the University of Chicago. According to the scientists , ‘when you write it down, you reevaluate the situation and think about what needs to happen, rather than what you could lose’.
When you write it down and see it in black and white, you often realize what is really going on. It helps you get the full picture and this makes it possible to tackle each obstacle one by one. You may even realize that the future with a relationship is not nearly as scary as you thought.
4. Decide to decide more often
It’s easy to always leave everything open so you don’t have to make a choice. Do this often enough and your indecisiveness will eventually become a habit. Every time you don’t make a choice, you’re not committing to that choice. If you can’t commit to a relationship because you can’t make a choice, it can help to start with the small decisions.
Practice making decisions when you are faced with choices in your daily life. This will teach you to be more decisive in many small ways. Whether you are buying a new sweater, getting coffee at the kiosk, switching jobs or being active on a dating app , make that choice.
The more time you spend weighing the pros and cons, the more confused you become. In fact, studies show that overthinking a decision can lead to poorer choices. By starting with small decisions, you can teach yourself to be more confident in the choices you make.
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5. Accept the uncertainty
When it comes to ‘accepting’, it is always easier said than done. What you have to realize is that the future is filled with uncertainty. Unless you have a crystal ball that actually works, no one can predict the future. Yet, there is often a lot of uncertainty about the future, so much so that it leads to worry.
Ironically, worrying about the future is the biggest regret in the lives of older adults, according to a Cornell University study that surveyed more than 1,200 seniors. In short, while you may think worrying about the future is helpful now, you’ll regret it when you’re old.
6. Set goals
One way to deal with anxiety is to set goals. If you know where the problems lie, you can do something about them. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy is often recommended for an anxiety disorder, a way to change your thoughts, feelings and behavior. This changes the way you look at a situation, the feeling you get and the behavior you display. In the same way, you can combat the fear of commitment. A crucial part of this form of therapy is setting goals.
Once you understand why you struggle with a fear of relationships, you can set some goals to address that fear. If you are in a relationship, you can make small commitments, reschedule postponed dates, or do something else that will make you more committed to your partner. If you are single, you can start dating on one of the dating apps. Or you can date different types of people or do the dating itself differently.
7. Talk about it
Once you’ve taken the time to determine the root of your commitment issues, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. This is especially true if you’re in a relationship where your partner is ready to take the next step and you’re not. Talk about what’s bothering you, how you’re feeling, and ask for input. Your partner can reassure you if you feel like your freedom is a thing of the past or you don’t have time for yourself anymore. Talking about it can also help you figure out if this is the kind of partner you want to commit to in the first place.
8. Read a book
To understand where your fear of commitment comes from, it helps to read books on the subject. With clear examples and easy-to-understand explanations, you will gain a better understanding of how it works and what you can do about it. There are dozens of books available that deal with problems in love, but these two books are particularly instructive when it comes to fear of commitment and abandonment. These books offer solution-oriented tips, but also authentic stories from practice:
- “ Addicted to Love ” by Jan Geurtz
- “ Love Fear ” by Hannah Cuppen
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