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In the past few weeks, you have received a number of likes from someone who now lives in your thoughts every day. It did not only stop at likes on your posts. Sometimes you also received a DM with a compliment. The problem is that it often stopped there. You wanted to expand the contact after a few messages, but the other person did not respond to that.
You feel a bit uncomfortable with the situation, because why doesn’t the other person respond after a few messages? Why do you get a flirty message every now and then, but no one comes when you want to make concrete plans to meet? It feels like you’re being strung along and that’s why you wonder: is this breadcrumbing ?
Wat is breadcrumbing?
It will not have escaped your notice that ‘breadcrumbing’ is an English term . In Dutch this means ‘leaving breadcrumbs’ and in the context of dating it is therefore a metaphor. Since 2017, breadcrumbing has been used as a term to describe a certain dating situation in which you keep someone on a string. For example, you send a message every now and then, but you never really have the intention to meet up or start a relationship.
The idea behind breadcrumbing is that you keep leaving little breadcrumbs behind, so that the other person thinks that there is more to get. Maybe even a whole loaf of bread. In the context of dating, you don’t leave breadcrumbs behind, but you give little moments of attention. However, that doesn’t lead anywhere. It is a dead end for the person receiving the attention. They may be hoping for more, but that is false hope.
Does leaving breadcrumbs sound familiar? Sure, following breadcrumbs is part of the classic Hansel and Gretel fairy tale . In the story, the siblings leave crumbs of their bread behind them to find their way back later. In the dating world, messages, likes, and DMs are the breadcrumbs we use to find our way back into someone else’s heart. At least, that’s what breadcrumbing suggests.
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Why do people breadcrumb?
Let me be clear: breadcrumbing is not a new dating situation – it has been around for years. Almost everyone has experienced it or done it themselves, not knowing it was breadcrumbing. For example, breadcrumbing occurs when you give someone the idea that there is a chance that you are interested, while you never had any intention of starting anything with that person. With the breadcrumbs you keep someone sweet, in case that person might come in handy later.
Ultimately, people can have different reasons for doing this, and breadcrumbing is done for the same reasons as stringing someone along . Here are some of the reasons why people breadcrumb.
Fear of commitment
Sometimes it’s because they ‘re afraid of commitment and aren’t comfortable with the idea of ​​a serious relationship. By sending messages every now and then, they keep the other person interested without actually committing to a relationship.
Egoboost
Do you like knowing that you can ‘get’ someone? Probably, because it’s an ego boost for everyone. The same thing happens with breadcrumbing. People like to get the attention of multiple people and with breadcrumbing they can assure themselves that they are still liked. Breadcrumbing gives validation.
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Not ready for relationship
It could also be that someone finds the idea of ​​a relationship enticing, but ultimately isn’t ready for all that it entails. Breadcrumbing can help them feel like they’re in a relationship without actually getting into one.
It’s a backup
Breadcrumbing is also often used in practice as a back-up. The one who is the victim and picks up the crumbs is the backup partner . By occasionally giving some attention, they keep that person interested. That way they always have an option in reserve, if they change their mind later.
Whatever the reason, breadcrumbing can be frustrating when it happens to you. You’re attracted to someone who’s just stringing you along. You want to start something with them, but they don’t seem to want to and are just giving you mixed signals . In other words, even though the bread alone can satisfy your hunger, all you get is crumbs.
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11 Signs of Breadcrumbing
Sometimes a message, sometimes a like. But if you make contact, you are usually ignored again after two messages. Is there breadcrumbing? Then it is possible. Pay special attention to these signals and signs whether there is breadcrumbing.
1. The contact is not consistent
The person sends you a message every now and then, but doesn’t keep in touch on a regular basis.
2. No concrete plans
When you want to make an appointment , the other person remains vague or makes up an excuse.
3. The conversation remains superficial
There seems to be no interest in your personality or deeper topics .
4. You don’t know where you stand
Because the contact is unpredictable and the feelings are unclear, you never know where you stand.
5. There is no follow-up
All forms of contact are incidental and will be followed up at least by other messages.
6. Always the same moment
You will only be approached when the other person is alone or bored.
7. You are not alone
That person can do the same to more people.
8. There are mixed signals
You are receiving signals that can be interpreted as both romantic and non-romantic.
9. It’s a flashing light
One moment the other is very positive and quick to respond, the next moment short and distant.
10. You don’t understand
The other person’s behavior, such as not responding for more than a day, is incomprehensible.
11. Avoidance behavior
There is no serious discussion about the future – that conversation is avoided.
If you recognize these signs, you are probably dealing with breadcrumbing. It is up to you what you do with that information. But know that breadcrumbing comes with a number of negative consequences.
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What are the consequences of breadcrumbing?
Generally speaking, everyone agrees that this type of behavior is unfair to the person being breadcrumbed. The victim is put in a difficult position because not responding to the advances is not really an option. Think about it: would you ignore a text message from someone you would like to have a relationship with? The victims of breadcrumbing are charmed by the person leaving the breadcrumbs, which makes it difficult to say no .
Wanting much more and getting little is frustrating. Breadcrumbing therefore comes with a number of related consequences, such as disappointment and uncertainty. Receiving a message every now and then while you want daily contact? That is disappointing. You want more and get less. It is a miserable situation because you also do not get any clarity.
In the worst case, the victim will forgo all other opportunities for love, hoping to one day start a relationship with the breadcrumber. For the victim, it is a difficult situation because they often do not know where they stand.
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4 things you can do
If you find yourself following the breadcrumbs and never finding the bread, there are a number of things you can do.
1. Discuss your feelings
Tell them how you feel and make it clear that you want more than just breadcrumbs. Say that you are looking for more commitment and clarity. If the other person cannot give you that clarity, think about the next steps.
2. Set boundaries
Breadcrumbing is only possible if you don’t set boundaries. You decide to what extent you go along with the pattern, not the other person. That’s why it’s important to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. For example, you can take a ‘take it or leave it’ approach in which you indicate that you will no longer be satisfied with superficial contact
3. Take distance
Not getting the results you want? Then step back and focus on other things in your life. Some relationships just don’t work and keep you from living the life you’re meant to live.
4. Be honest with yourself
It can be hard to admit that you’re chasing something you’ll never have. Be honest with yourself: do you really think a relationship with this person is in the cards? If the answer is no , then stop lying to yourself and do what’s best for you. Even if that means cutting ties.
Ultimately, interacting with a breadcrumber will rarely fulfill all of your needs. That won’t change, because there’s a reason you’re being breadcrumbed. And that reason ensures that you’re never seen as a full partner.
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