What is an On-Off Relationship? The On-Off, On-Off Relationship Explained

Yes, you love your partner with all your heart and it hurts so much every time you have another heated argument, but deep down you know that you cannot live with him or her. These are the hallmarks of an on-again, off-again relationship, a term that most of our readers have probably come across.

Roughly speaking, it means that the love and especially the desire for each other is enormous, but that those extreme feelings are over with just as much ease. The result? That the relationship is often broken by an impulse of resentment or frustration, while the reason was actually (as is often the case) very childish and not even relevant. And yet over time you find each other again.

But does such a so-called on-and-off relationship really make sense? Or is divorce ultimately better than suffering? That’s what we’re going to talk to you about today. On-again, off-again relationships may have been given a very light-hearted name, but the problem really runs very deep.

What is an on-again, off-again relationship?

You’re single, you’re in a relationship, you’re single again, you’re in a relationship again: you don’t really know yourself anymore, because there’s no hold on anything. It’s never completely on and never completely off. In other words: there’s a complete lack of stability and that makes you quite confused on an emotional level.

It seems clear to us that you have a difficult relationship. Yet this is about more than just a difficult relationship. If the relationship goes off and on again all the time, we call it an on-again, off-again relationship. And we think that is a well-chosen term. By this we mean nothing other than that the relationship – just like a flashing light – keeps going on and off.

The two people involved break up, then miss each other, rekindle the relationship, and not long after end the relationship again . This pattern sometimes repeats itself infinitely often, in such a way that it is no longer possible for family and friends to keep up. Off and on: rarely does an on-again, off-again relationship last in the long term. And yet you don’t want to realize that.

How many relationships have this?

Let’s say the key ingredient of an on-again, off-again relationship is instability itself. You and your partner love each other, but fail to provide stability. In an on-again, off-again relationship, people argue more than usual and that has to do with, you guessed it, poor communication.

A 2009 study by the journal  Personal Relationships  found that about two-thirds of people have had at least one  on-again, off-again  relationship in their lives. And we think that’s just as good a term as the Dutch “on-again” variant.

You have to learn from an on-again, off-again relationship

The chance is therefore present that you or someone you know has had an on-again, off-again relationship and in itself that is not unusual, especially among young people. Especially when you are a bit younger, you are less stable on an emotional level. Put two teenagers opposite each other and of course you quickly have an on-again, off-again relationship in some form.

Not every on-off relationship is therefore seen as serious, as we are in a kind of learning process. You learn from every relationship and the older you are, the more you have hopefully learned. The ultimate goal? That communication eventually improves and the number of on-off relationships decreases.

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How do they arise?

It is different if you are old and wise, but still have to deal with an on-again, off-again relationship. Apart from the early youth, there are quite a few other causes for an on-again, off-again relationship.

It may be that one of the two partners is simply somewhat unstable on an emotional level, for example. However, instability can also occur in other areas, such as someone who lives in different places all their life and is therefore unable to find stability. It becomes difficult for such a person to commit to someone, which causes a constant feeling of restlessness in the relationship.

Another word that we can link to this same problem is that of the so-called fear of commitment. We also mentioned the lack of communication above. If you are both able to communicate well with each other, arguments will probably occur more often and you will learn to understand each other more quickly. However clichéd it may be, communication is key.

Constant outbursts and outbursts

Because you communicate less and act more impulsively, it happens more often that the relationship is broken up. Does it sound familiar to you that the well-known sentence ‘ it’s over! ‘ suddenly blurts out from you or your partner? Usually this sentence is thrown out on impulse and has the most dramatic consequences. Note: temporary consequences. It can indeed mean that you are going to break up. Perhaps that happens so easily because you know that the breakup will eventually be glued back together.

We should add that it is more than just poor communication. Hurt feelings or damaged egos also cause you to make a radical decision. There is nothing more dangerous in a relationship than an emotional outburst. Disappointment, resentment, frustrated feelings are therefore a particularly dangerous mix.

Emotions take over

All of the above characteristics have to do with emotion and much less with rationality. Your actions, and perhaps those of your partner, have much less to do with clear thinking, but more with sporadic outbursts. You probably recognize that one or both of you has or have difficulty expressing your feelings in words.

You could also call the emotional decision a kind of subterfuge. Only to regret it later when you do think about it. The well-known ‘learning to count to 10’ is a lot easier on paper than in practice.

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Back with the ex again

It’s over. But after the breakup there is a great loss and you only come to that realization once you have gotten over the phase of disappointment. Now you can think clearly about everything that happened and everything that was said. There is a big chance that you are somewhat ashamed about what was said. You also want to make it up again: you want your ex back .

Loneliness eats away at you, because you are not complete without your other half. No matter how difficult life is with him or her by your side. Both physically and emotionally (how could it be otherwise?) you long for your partner and once reunited with each other you are head over heels in love again. In fact: you are certain that this time it will work out. Until the next argument erupts.

What are the consequences?

There are quite a few disadvantages to an on-again, off-again relationship. Yes, you go for it every time and the return feels really good. But on-again relationships also have a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy . Deep down you know how it will end, but despite that you don’t want to give in to it. You end up in a vicious circle where it becomes damn hard to really build something lasting.

Destructive dynamics

According to psychologists, an on-again, off-again relationship often occurs when you and your partner feel extremely sexually attracted to each other. The result is a destructive dynamic of continuous attraction and repulsion. The relationship involves a lot of mental and physical abuse, in which we should not shy away from the most extreme terms: you cannot live without each other, but when you are together you poison each other with excesses. 

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Attack on mental health

‘We came out of this much stronger together;’ is a common statement from people who have gone through a relationship crisis. The problem is that this idea is a bit too opportunistic and far from based on reality. According to an American study from the University of Missouri in Columbia, an on-again, off-again relationship can have a lot of negative effects on your mental health. 

On your mental health that is, because you are in the same boat. Because the fact that you will come out stronger is something you tell yourself and also try to convince others. We don’t want to talk you into breaking up, but unfortunately we can’t do anything other than remain realistic.

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Are things ever okay?

On-again relationships usually arise when one of the two partners is (a lot) less committed than the other. The one who is tolerant continually tolerates the other, even if he or she shows unacceptable behavior. This is another attack on the mental resilience and self-confidence, which in the long term creates an unhealthy relationship between you both.

If you are the one who just accepts everything, then you will always wonder what you are doing wrong. And where there is an attack on the emotions, things cannot continue to go well. Fear, jealousy , even depression can be the result. Are you in such a pattern? Then it is better to say goodbye to it as soon as possible, no matter how difficult that is.

Is there someone who makes you feel so bad? Is it even a little bit like emotional abuse ? Then end the relationship. Do you know for yourself that what you are doing to the other person is not okay? Then draw your own conclusions.

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Before you damage each other too much

People can be damaged in the long run and sometimes you have to make the most painful decision to benefit both of you. Be honest with yourself, but also especially with others.

Do you know someone who has an on-again, off-again relationship, but with whom things turned out well in the long term? Well, we estimate there is a small chance of that. On-again, off-again relationships don’t just improve themselves out of nowhere.

If you really feel something for the other person, but continue on the same path, this problem is guaranteed to continue. Either you work on your emotions or you have to say goodbye to each other. The choice is yours, both of you. Make sure that you can come to a final decision together, whatever that may be.

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