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In an iconic episode of ” The Big Bang Theory ,” intelligent physicist Sheldon Cooper sets out to deepen his relationship with shy neurobiologist Amy Fowler. “I present to you,” he tells Amy, “the relationship agreement.”
At 31 pages, the agreement explains the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, hereinafter referred to as “The Friend,” and Amy Farrah Fowler, hereinafter referred to as “The Girlfriend.” As Amy looks at Sheldon in amazement and flips through the relationship contract, she notes dryly, “That’s so romantic.” To which Sheldon replies, “That’s mutual indemnity always.”
Now this is just a fictional situation between two actors who enter into a relationship contract with each other only in the series. But the relationship agreement itself is not fictitious, because more and more people are entering into such an agreement. Also in real life.
When Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg asked his girlfriend Priscilla Chan to move from Boston to Palo Alto, Chan had some doubts. She wanted to know what awaited her once they moved in together in the center of Silicon Valley. Would she be alone in the apartment all day, while he would spend all his time at Facebook headquarters? To gain clarity in advance, the two drew up a relationship contract.
In the contract, Zuckerberg agreed to take her on a date once a week. He was contractually ‘obligated’ to spend 100 minutes alone with Chan every week, outside the office or his apartment. Since the two are now not only married but also multi-billionaires, it doesn’t seem like a bad idea to consider a relationship contract. But what exactly is it?
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What is a relationship contract?
A relationship contract is a document that is drawn up and signed by (usually) two people within a relationship. It is not legally binding. It is not a cohabitation or marriage contract. It is an agreement that is not even legally valid. In reality, the relationship contract is a summary of an honest conversation about the needs, expectations and desires in a relationship. In this sense, a relationship contract is a kind of wish list, or a business plan for a successful love relationship.
Unlike the agreements made by a notary, there is no standard way in which a relationship agreement is written. There are no legal rules that the agreement must comply with. They can vary in length from a short list to a 20-page syllabus with specific information about date nights , quality time and demands placed on each other and the relationship.
Basically, it means that it is mainly about creating and maintaining a relationship , rather than the financial consequences if the conditions are not met or if the relationship ends. Although you can fill in the topics yourself, they are usually about topics most likely to cause conflict, such as money , sex, chores and childcare.
In the relationship contract you state all the things you want to include. You print it, both sign it and voilà: your own tailor-made relationship contract.
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5 benefits of a relationship agreement
Relationship agreements are rare. But many couples, or almost all couples, do make agreements with each other. They often do this orally and not in writing. They therefore know how much time they want to spend together, who takes care of the children most and who cooks the food. If these agreements are not clear or are often disputed, a relationship agreement could provide clarity. Because yes, then it is on paper. And that’s just one of the benefits of a relationship agreement.
1. It’s fair
Most agreements we make with each other in a relationship are hidden. They are the things that grow so much and that are never explicitly talked about – despite the fact that one or both of them would like to see it differently. By drawing up a relationship contract with your partner, you both get the opportunity to be completely transparent and honest about what you find important in the relationship. This can prevent unnecessary frustrations and built-up resentment.
2.It is clear about the needs
While some topics are often consciously avoided in a relationship, the relationship agreement can provide clarity about the needs of both . It makes you aware of your partner’s needs and gives you a chance to communicate your own needs. In other words: the relationship contract gives you a clear insight into what your partner’s physical, emotional and sexual needs are.
3. It gives reason to talk
The consequence of a relationship contract is that the relationship conditions become negotiable. The idea is that you can come back to the terms of the contract to discuss them. Small irritations do not go unspoken, they are dealt with constructively. Thanks to an agreement, you can discuss relationship issues with a safe feeling and therefore it also helps with communication.
4. Alignment on intentions
In addition to the fact that a relationship contract provides clarity about the needs, the agreement is also a way to find coordination between what both parties want. This is especially important when not all needs can be fully met, so compromises can be made. This alignment on intentions can prevent one or both people in the relationship from feeling like their needs are not being met.
5. It exposes the deal breakers
Because a relationship contract provides clarity about future expectations and – if done right – leaves nothing unsaid, you can expose deal breakers at an early stage. For example , mentioning a desire to have children and the timing thereof can be a deal breaker if the other person does not have that need. For example, just a conversation about the conditions of the relationship contract can ensure that what was previously unknown is expressed.
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