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Do you argue a lot with your partner and do you both find it difficult to talk out an argument? If you’ve become accustomed to certain behavior patterns, it may take some practice before you’re ready to work better together. It is difficult to talk in a constructive and calm manner when you disagree with each other. Everyone knows that. And that’s why they say: relationships are always a work in progress.
9 steps to make up for the fight
Arguments and arguments happen in every relationship. Some degree of conflict can even be healthy. Why? Because it means that both people in the relationship can express themselves, instead of holding everything inside and bottling up their emotions. But if you are constantly arguing with your boyfriend or girlfriend and having a disagreement on every topic, it can start to take a toll on the relationship.
Learning how to handle disagreements in a constructive way is crucial in any relationship . Conflicts are inevitable: it’s how you deal with them that matters. We explain 9 steps to help you make up for an argument.
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1. Find out why you argue
Arguing is often just the symptom, not the problem. It is important to discover what the argument is really about or what exactly caused it. If you notice that you and your partner often argue about the same things , it is important to get to the root of the conflict.
Isn’t it about something deeper that’s bothering you? Is it a characteristic of the other person? Is there anything you’re worried about? Have there been any recent changes in your lives that are putting extra pressure on either of you?
Consider children, moving, financial problems or work pressure. Has an incident occurred or are you spending less quality time together? Look beyond the emotions and look at the broader context of the situation.
2. Talk about it
To find out the cause of the argument, it is important that you talk to your partner. Talk calmly and constructively about how it affects the other person. Ask about the feelings and separate them from the situation. This can be very difficult if you are feeling emotional, but it is very important.
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3. Choose an appropriate time to talk
An argument can cause emotions to run high. Therefore, choose a suitable time to talk about the argument . It may be wise to return to the subject later, when you have both calmed down. Also make sure that you both really take the time for the conversation and that you can only focus on the conversation. So don’t do this when someone is about to go to work or when a television distracts their attention.
4. Start the conversation with something positive
No matter how angry or sad you feel, never start a conversation with a sarcastic or critical comment. It can be helpful to start by saying something positive. For example, say that you love your partner or care about him or her a lot. From that starting point you can then tell what is bothering you. But do so from your own feelings and perspective.
5. Try to see things from your partner’s perspective
To ensure that a conversation runs smoothly, it is essential that both people are heard. It can be tempting to want to get your point across, but if you want to work things out, it’s important that you take the time to hear what your partner has to say. Your partner may have a completely different perspective.
You must learn to understand the other person’s perspective if you want to find out the cause of the problem. Try to validate each other’s feelings by saying you understand his or her side. Your partner will feel heard, allowing the conversation to continue constructively.
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6. Speak from ‘I’ and not from ‘you’
By constantly speaking from the first person, you ensure that your partner feels less attacked. You take responsibility for your own emotions. Avoid phrases like “You never listen” and instead say “I don’t feel heard.”
7. Be willing to compromise
Compromising is often the only way to reach a solution. If you both hold your position firmly, the argument will continue indefinitely. Only by making compromises can you move forward. Making compromises regularly is part of having a healthy relationship . You can never always agree with each other.
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8. Avoid contempt
Do not use contempt, sarcasm or embarrass the other person. Besides being very childish, it doesn’t help the relationship. In fact, you only humiliate and belittle the other person. If that happens, you will never have a mature and constructive conversation. And there will certainly be no make-up sex .
9. Avoid criticism
When you talk out an argument, it is very important that you criticize the other person as little as possible . Providing even more negative comments on top of the current problem will not get you anywhere. The only thing you achieve with it is that the other person feels attacked and threatened. This behavior often causes a defensive reaction, which means you don’t gain anything.
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