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No relationship is perfect . The goal is for it to come close to perfection, but in reality it never does. Because we know this, we at least assume that we feel safe, respected and trusted. But if that is not the case, then we call that an unhealthy situation. Unhealthy behavior in a relationship can have a significant and detrimental impact on your health, happiness and overall well-being.
Anyone can find themselves in an unhealthy situation, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. The problem is often that we don’t notice it right away – it’s a silent killer. Unhealthy patterns don’t develop overnight, they grow in a relationship. And while some behavior patterns are clearly harmful and toxic, other unhealthy relationship patterns are much more subtle and difficult to spot.
Relationship therapist John Gottman and his colleagues at The Gottman Institute have been researching relationships for decades and have recognized four behavioral patterns in relationships that can predict a breakup. They call these The Four Horsemen : criticism, contempt, defensiveness and ignoring. Being able to recognize these four ‘Horsemen’ in the discussions you have is, they say, the first step in replacing them with healthy communication patterns.
1. Criticism
The first behavior pattern is critical. Criticizing your partner is different from giving feedback or voicing a complaint. Everyone sometimes finds themselves in a situation where we give feedback, such as when your partner is driving too fast and you say something about it because you feel unsafe. However, things are different when you criticize the person themselves . That’s when you say your partner ‘can’t drive’. The latter is an attack on your partner’s core, while the former is a complaint about a specific problem.
Occasionally saying something about what you would like to see differently is not the problem. Constant criticism, yes. This is an unhealthy pattern of fault-finding behavior that makes your partner feel hurt, rejected, or attacked.
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2. Contempt
The second negative pattern in relationships is contempt. When you show contempt for your partner, you are mean. You treat the other person disrespectfully , use sarcasm to mock (in public), give ugly nicknames, imitate the ‘nagging’ voice, roll your eyes when your partner says something – we all know this. According to Gottman, contempt is one of four unhealthy behaviors in a relationship that can predict a breakup.
Contempt is fueled by a long period of negative thoughts about the partner that surface when your partner attacks you from a position of relative superiority. Contempt goes much further than criticizing. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt does the same but also takes a position of superiority – as if one is better than the other. This makes the target of contempt feel worthless and subordinate.
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3. Defensive
The third behavior pattern is defensive behavior. According to Gottman, it is a typical response to criticism. We have all reacted defensively to criticism at times. But if this is a pattern, then it’s a recognizable part of a deteriorating relationship . Some signs that you are consistently defensive:
- You think your partner always overreacts.
- Your partner is too sensitive.
- You often express your opinion that the other person is wrong.
- You never say sorry.
- You often think that you are doing nothing wrong.
- You think your partner is turning a mosquito into an elephant.
While it is completely normal to want to defend yourself, especially when you are stressed and feeling attacked, this defensive approach will not have the desired effect. Being defensive will only escalate the conflict if the other person doesn’t back down or apologize. This is because being defensive is a way of blaming the other person, when that is often not the case. Therefore, it does not enable healthy communication.
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4. Ignore
The fourth negative pattern in relationships is stonewalling , ignoring your partner and withdrawing from the conversation. This is, for example, the case when you close yourself off to the other person, do not respond and withdraw from any form of communication. It is also called the silent treatment . Instead of discussing the problems with your partner, you work against a solution by avoiding any form of contact.
People usually fall into this negative behavior pattern because they don’t have the skills to deal with it. They block. It is a result of feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Instead of starting the conversation, they ignore their partner and avoid the conflict . But a pattern of ignoring and withdrawing makes it impossible to solve relationship problems. It can destroy the bond with your partner by making your partner feel abandoned and ignored.
According to Gotmann, this pattern of behavior is difficult to stop. They do advise that it is better to stop the discussion and ask for a break:
“Okay, I’m too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a moment? It will be easier to get through this when I calm down.”
Then take 20 minutes to do something alone to calm yourself down – read a book or magazine, take a walk, go for a run. Just do whatever helps you stop feeling overwhelmed and then get back into the conversation when you’re ready.
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