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It is one of the most difficult decisions we make in our lives: to break up or to stay. Anyone who has had to make the difficult choice knows how difficult it is to make the decision. Making a final decision about something that is such a big part of your life is not easy for anyone.
To break up or not
A complex thought process has started in our minds that seems to have no end. Are the difficulties worth enduring? Or is it an obstacle that we need to avoid? Is the relationship – despite all the frustrations – still worth fighting for ? Or have you, as a couple, become lost in a maze of negative patterns?
If you were to follow the script of a romantic comedy, love should win out. Because that’s what we see every time: two people finding a way to be together – no matter what obstacles stand in their way. They are in love and that is all that matters. But in real life it works differently: love alone is not enough to make a relationship work.
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5 strategies to help you choose
Changes in a relationship are inevitable as you face challenges and obstacles over the months and years that change the dynamic. How you work through it together makes the difference in how the relationship changes. Sometimes it makes the relationship better, in other cases it tests the resilience of the relationship. Ultimately, almost every relationship is tested and it is normal to wonder whether you should break up.
To break up or not? According to love expert and psychology professor Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. it’s hard to know for sure. But there are a number of ways to feel confident about the choice you are making.
1. Weigh the reasons
Relationships are complicated. So no matter what question you ask, the answer is always complicated. The question of whether you should stay in the relationship or break up is no different. Research shows that there are 27 main reasons to stay in a relationship and 23 reasons to break up. Lewandowski suggests that you go through these 50 reasons and decide for yourself which of them apply to you. Here are those reasons, ranked from most to least important.
27 reasons to stay
- Emotional intimacy
- Emotional investment
- Family duty
- Partner’s personality
- Pleasure
- Emotional safety
- Physical intimacy
- Financial advantages
- Compatibility
- Worries about/for partner
- Optimism
- Validation
- Dependency
- Attraction
- general satisfaction
- Comparison of alternatives (fear of not finding anyone else)
- Barriers (shared bank accounts)
- Fear of uncertainty
- Social connections
- Comfort
- Habituation (satisfaction with the way things are)
- Company
- Long-term orientation (a future together)
- Long-term prospects
- Social pressure
- Self-improvement
- Social status
23 reasons to break up
- Partner’s personality (defects)
- Breach of trust ( cheating )
- Partner withdraws
- External reason (long-distance relationship)
- Physical distancing
- Conflicts
- Not set to each other
- Emotional distance
- Lack of validation
- Lack of financial benefits
- Lack of fun
- Problems with long-term prospects
- General dissatisfaction
- Inequality (one-sided relationship)
- Social consequences (relationship destroys friendships)
- Dealbreaker (physical violence)
- Loss of attraction
- Too demanding
- Alternative partner ( in love with someone else )
- Pursuit of other partner
- Fear of commitment
- Obstacle to self-improvement (bad influence)
- Not according to expectations
2. Map the ups and downs
The second way to gain insight into whether your relationship is really as bad as you think is to map out the ups and downs. Some days your relationship feels like it can withstand anything, while the next few days it feels like emotional torture? If you were to chart these ups and downs, what would the graph look like? Is it a horizontal, stable line? Or is it a curvy line that bounces from bottom to top? What the graph of your relationship looks like affects how it ends.
“We tend to live in the moment,” says Lewandowski. “But to reveal the future of the relationship, it is more useful to recognize how the relationship changes over time.” As an example, Lewandowski gives a study among 376 couples who were followed over a period of 9 months. The research made it clear that couples who have a lot of ups and downs are more likely to break up.
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3. Ask yourself these 15 questions
According to Lewandowski, who has published more than 50 scientific articles, the best way to examine your relationship is to take a series of long, complicated tests. But he also says this is a bit impractical. As a solution, Lewandowski has developed a smaller test that anyone can do themselves.
They are 15 yes/no questions based on what science knows about successful relationships. The answers can help you better understand the future of your relationship . These are the 15 questions about the future of your relationship to test for yourself:
- Does your partner make you a better person and do you do the same for your partner?
- Do you and your partner both enjoy sharing feelings, trusting each other, being attached to each other, and are you trying to avoid worrying about the other person breaking up with you?
- Do you and your partner accept each other for who you are, without trying to change each other?
- When disagreements arise, do you and your partner communicate with each other respectfully and without contempt or negativity?
- Do you and your partner share decision-making, power and influence in the relationship?
- Is your partner your best friend and are you your partner’s?
- Do you and your partner think more in terms of ‘we’ and ‘us’ instead of ‘you’ and ‘I’?
- Would you and your partner trust each other with social media passwords and bank accounts?
- Do you and your partner have a good image of each other – without having an overly positive view?
- Do your close friends, as well as your partner’s, think you have a relationship that will stand the test of time?
- Is your relationship free of red flags such as cheating, jealousy and controlling behavior?
- Do you and your partner share the same values when it comes to politics, religion, the importance of marriage, wanting to have children (or not) and raising children?
- Are you and your partner willing to sacrifice your own needs, desires, and goals for each other (without being a doormat)?
- Do you and your partner both have pleasant and emotionally stable personalities?
- Are you and your partner sexually attracted to each other?
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4. The best friend test
Despite the fact that the first ways are quite extensive, Lewandowski also has a very simple way to determine whether you should stay with your partner or not. Basically, you only have to answer one question. It is this: “Is your partner your best friend?” If the answer is yes, then that says a lot about the relationship you have with your partner.
If you don’t see your partner as your best friend, you may wonder why that isn’t the case. What do you expect from your best friend and do you have similar standards for your partner?
5. Toss a coin
Want to toss for one of the most important choices in your life? Yes, that’s exactly what Lewandowski means: heads for breaking up and tails for staying. It can be that simple. If you’re wondering if it’s time to end your relationship, a coin flip can give you the insight you need.
Lewandowski’s idea is derived from a concept coined by economist Steven Levitt. He stated in the book Think Like a Freak that – contrary to what everyone tells you in life – you should stop doing it. Levitt says that when the going gets tough, you don’t always have to persevere to overcome it. Instead, it’s often better to quit and do it now rather than later. In other words, the will not to give up keeps you from doing what is right for you.
When 200 people assessed their relationship with the heads-or-tails decision, and so about 100 of them ended their relationship, almost all of them said they were satisfied with the outcome. It may be a bit freaky to decide on your relationship this way, but research shows that you’ll be okay with it either way.
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Doubts are very normal
At some point, sooner or later, almost everyone starts to doubt a relationship. The fact that you do that is not unique, it is actually very normal. According to a study of 464 newlywed couples, it occurs in two out of three relationships. The study, which was conducted in 2012 , found that in two out of three couples, at least one person had doubts about the relationship. Doubts about the future of the relationship and the partner are therefore not uncommon.
If we look at the bigger picture, most people stay in their existing relationships. The will to separate often turns out to be less than the comfort of the known. If you stay, it’s worth learning more about your relationship and how to improve it . Whether you read relationship books or take relationship tips ; It may not remove your doubts, but it will make you stronger in the choices you make.
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