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It seems like every year a new dating term is coined for an existing situation. The term that came out of nowhere and has now become entrenched in the dating lexicon is ghosting : the act of immediately ceasing all communication. Like a ghost, because out of nowhere you stop responding to messages and phone calls – without giving a reason. While that reason is there, but is not shared openly and honestly.
Ghosting often happens in the early stages of a relationship. After just a few dates or so. It’s the modern equivalent of “buying a pack of cigarettes” and never returning. When someone does it, it’s like they were never there. Your texts go unread, your phone calls go unanswered, and there’s no explanation of what happened. Nothing.
The reason? Because ending a relationship with someone—no matter how short or long—is never easy. Whether it’s been a three-date affair or a long-term relationship, ending a relationship almost always involves hurt feelings. And often, those feelings are hurt on one side of the relationship, not both. But according to psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, there’s another way to end a relationship that’s actually more painful than ghosting: the slow fade .
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What is the slow fade?
The term slow fade refers to the situation in which someone slowly drifts away from you. This person has made the decision to end the relationship, but then does not share this decision. Instead of telling you that it is over and done with, they continue to act as if nothing is wrong. In the meantime, mixed signals are sent and contact is gradually reduced, hoping that you will get the hint.
“This is different from a slow fade that occurs naturally when both people stop maintaining the friendship due to various factors, such as moving, leaving school, or changing jobs,” Vilhauer says in an article in Psychology Today .
“People who use the slow fade when the decision to end a relationship is one-sided often think they are being kind by cutting someone off slowly rather than abruptly,” she adds. “They get to feel good about themselves for trying to be kind, and they also don’t have to deal with the emotional discomfort of a difficult conversation or the other person’s hurt emotions.”
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Why It’s Worse Than Ghosting
While ghosting involves an abrupt cessation of communication, slow fade keeps the connection intact. It doesn’t lead to the intense realization that the relationship is over right away . It feels much softer than ghosting. And if there are doubts, it’s not much different than a reserve bench for the other person to sit on for a while.
What happens though is that the slow fade creates even more confusion than ghosting. It’s not clear, like ghosting is, because it gives a form of false hope. And that uncertainty about the future of the relationship is not good, it’s bad.
“Clarity and certainty help someone process a psychological event,” says Vilhauer. “Research has shown that uncertainty can exacerbate an emotional situation, making an unpleasant situation even more unpleasant.”
When the victim finds out what is going on, it is even worse. They may feel like they have been lied to and cheated on. It is not nice to make someone feel like they have been fooled. And even during the slow fade, the victim starts to doubt themselves, the relationship and wonder if the other person still wants it. The slow fade makes ending a relationship an ordeal.
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How do you want it: fast or slow?
Compare ghosting and the slow fade to removing a band-aid. With ghosting, you pull the band-aid off quickly: it hurts more at first, but it is very short-lived. But because it hurts so much, you remember it longer and think twice about putting a new band-aid on your skin next time.
In the slow fade, you torture the other person by slowly and with sadistic passion removing the bandage. And every time the other person thinks it’s over, you pull the bandage off a little more. Ghosting may be better than the slow fade, but neither is ideal. Because no matter how you remove the bandage: it always hurts.
The best way to reject someone else’s love is still to openly and honestly explain your feelings, no matter how hard it may be. According to Vilhauer, that’s the best choice: “Gentle clarity that the relationship is over, so they can process what happened and move on.”
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