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How is it that some relationships fail after the first few weeks, while others last until death do them part? We know there is no perfect formula, but there must be something that makes a relationship work. What is this secret ingredient that is essential for a successful relationship?
Hundreds or even thousands of scientists from various academic disciplines have studied relationships between people over the years. Many of these studies focus on the negative sides of a relationship. From the reasons why people break up to the differences between men and women; a lot of time is spent predicting why something won’t work.
The secret ingredient
A professor named Ogolsky , an assistant professor at the University of Illinois, did it the other way around. He has dedicated his career to understanding the positive aspects of relationships. What is the secret ingredient that keeps people together forever? To find the answer, Ogolsky analyzed more than 1,100 studies.
He looked at all published studies since 1950 that are in any way related to human relationships. During this thorough analysis, he and his team identified the most common strategies and techniques that couples use to stay together.
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Two Critical Techniques
It took Ogolsky and his team more than two years, but it did yield valuable information. The scientists discovered that people in successful relationships use different techniques. These two techniques make the difference between short and long-term relationships, the study shows. The secret techniques and strategies that are essential in successful relationships? People in successful relationships use techniques to prevent a breakup, but also techniques that improve the relationship.
Prevent breakage
First, people in successful relationships use techniques that prevent breakups. They do this individually but also as a couple. For example, one of the two can do something to avoid a relationship break-up, but it is also possible that both try to prevent it together.
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Improve the relationship
Improving the relationship is the second technique that influences the success of the relationship. Again, these can be individual or joint efforts to keep love healthy.
One technique is intended to maintain the relationship, the other technique is intended to improve the relationship. The result is a relationship that doesn’t fail because one or both of them keep working on it. They do this with different strategies:
What individuals do to prevent a breakup
1. Idealizing the partner and relationship
People in a relationship see their partner or relationship as better than it actually is. They idealize the relationship or partner. They believe that their relationship is special and have the illusion that it is an above-average happy relationship . When it comes to the partner, he or she is prettier, nicer or more attractive. For example, you can tell your friends that your partner is the most attractive man/woman in the world, while there are many more attractive people.
2. Ignore the alternatives
When people are in a relationship, they often give little or no attention to other potential partners. Some people tell themselves that other people are uglier than their partner, others try to eliminate interest in others. Ignoring the alternatives helps to avoid a breakup.
3. Interpret the partner’s behavior positively
Some people always look on the bright side when their partner does something wrong. It was unintentional, not meant, a joke or for the greater good; the behavior is assessed more positively. Partners are more often given the benefit of the doubt, so the chance of a breakup is smaller. Has your partner cheated? Then you can assess it in two ways, for example:
- “He’s a bastard and I never want to see him again. A fox doesn’t lose his tricks, he’ll do it again.”
- “He made a mistake, he realizes that. It was a one-off.”
Which interpretation is most likely to make the relationship work? The way you judge your partner’s behavior affects the success of the relationship.
What couples do to avoid a breakup
4. Avoiding conflict
Couples who want to stay together find a way to resolve their differences and disagreements, whether that means compromising, accommodating, or apologizing. If you don’t avoid conflict or refuse to work through it, you’re less likely to stay together.
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5. Forgive
For a relationship to be successful, it is necessary to be able to forgive each other. This is the standard recipe for most romantic comedy scripts, but it has a scientific approach. Relationships in which you can forgive each other are stronger and have a greater chance of a shared future.
6. Sacrifice
A relationship for life means that you have to be willing to sacrifice something. You give up your own interests and activities; you sacrifice yourself for your partner. This is an important aspect in maintaining a relationship. According to Ogolsky, it has to come from both sides, a balance is needed to make it work.
7. Helping each other
If you help each other frequently, this leads to mutual dependence. You have to rely on each other, which scientists call ‘facilitation‘. For example, you can help your partner make plans, complete tasks, or achieve goals.
8. Relieve each other’s stress
A massage after a long day at work: it is not only good for the muscles but also for reducing stress. We all have that a lot these days and that is not good for the relationship. Financial problems, unemployment or arguments in the family. Reducing each other’s stress is a proven technique to be able to last longer together.
What individuals do to improve the relationship
9. Praying for your partner
It may not be something you immediately think of, but several studies show that praying for your partner can help the relationship. In addition to the supernatural explanation that prayer helps, prayer can work in the same way as mindfulness, or help you to think about your partner with your full attention.
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10. Thinking in the form of us
What’s best for you isn’t necessarily what’s best for the relationship. People who rely on the relationship and not on themselves last longer. According to Ogolsky, spending time on your relationship, such as thinking about your partner or reminiscing, is a sign that the relationship can be successful in the long term.
11. Be generous
Unpacking the dishwasher while your partner is still sleeping, cleaning the windows while your partner is working; all the little things you do for your partner help the relationship. You don’t have to buy a gift to be generous; it’s “any random act of kindness toward your partner,” Ogolsky says.
12. Show gratitude
Are you treated to a delicious meal after coming home from work? It’s easy to take it for granted when this is your standard routine. But it helps the relationship when you show gratitude; for the relationship and for your partner.
What Couples Do to Improve Their Relationship
13. Doing fun things together
A good time with your partner helps the relationship. It comes as no surprise, but doing fun things together is essential if you want to make your relationship work. It helps to improve communication, define roles and increase satisfaction in the relationship.
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14. Talking about the relationship
Couples who have been together for many years magically talk a lot about the relationship. They periodically reflect on the state of the relationship and how it is going. They discuss where they think they are, where they are going and what their problems are.
15. Make time for each other
Talking freely to each other is usually not enough. It’s about speaking with attention. You make time to pay attention to each other. For example, when you come home from work, you don’t eat alone on the couch, but you wait for each other so that you can eat together.
16. Using humor
People who are funny in the right way can sustain their relationship. It is the humor that you use to reduce stress, or to relieve the stressful situation by approaching it with a joke. This helps the relationship to work because it is beneficial for both parties in the relationship.
17. Communicate openly
Couples who are happy ensure that there are no obstacles for each other every day. This means that they are positive towards each other, are open, offer each other security and also divide the work in the household or do it together.
These are the 17 strategies and techniques that emerged from an analysis of more than 1,100 studies. It may not be a complete guide to a happy relationship, but it should give you an idea of what you can change in your own relationship. No two relationships are the same, but if it worked for the people in more than a thousand studies, it might work for you.
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