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During my high school years I struggled with depression and even though I was on medication, there was always a gray cloud present. I was extremely dissatisfied with myself and the diagnosis of depression made me feel even more worthless.
I started to blame myself, I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t cute enough and couldn’t do anything well. It even got so bad that I started having panic attacks. Thanks to my therapist, I discovered the driving force behind my depression. She showed me that I was being bullied by a very mean girl.
Also Read: 3 ways to convert self-criticism into self-love
That mean girl was me.
I constantly gave myself negative criticism. “You’re not good enough, so why apply for this job?” “That other person is definitely much better at relationships than you” I said things to myself that I would never say to my friends, it would ruin our friendship. Yet so many people say this to themselves.
My psychologist pointed out to me that this process is one of the main causes of all the negative feelings that come with depression. The hallmark of depression, my psychologist said, is thoughts of self-loathing. And I realized that if I could change this process, I might be able to heal my depression and feel some happiness in my life again.
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Friendship is the Key to Being Kind to Yourself
Many people struggle with the false belief that loving yourself is akin to being selfish. But being kind to yourself is not about your ego. Being kind to yourself means that you recognize who you are and that you are true to who you really are and that you are kind to yourself despite the fact that you are not perfect.
We all have bad days sometimes. But it’s that mean little voice that really impacts your mental and emotional health. That little voice that says: “You did it wrong. You have failed. You let other people down. You let yourself down.” Instead, try to reassure yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend who is having a bad day. You would tell her: “It’s okay, we all have a bad day sometimes.” “I’m so sorry you feel like that right now, what can I do to make you feel a little better?”
Also Read: How to become your own best friend (and why this is more important than you think)
Being kind to yourself does not mean that you are suddenly selfish. No, it is a healthy habit that you should always continue to practice, such as sleeping and eating.
No one is perfect… not even you
Kristin Neff, professor at the University of Texas, has done a study on self-compassion and in her TED talk, she divides self-compassion into 3 categories: kindness, humanity and mindfulness. Humanity means knowing that you are human and embracing reality. Self-compassion means understanding that we are not perfect, that we are unique and that we all have different talents and gifts.
If you strive for perfection, you will only hurt yourself if you don’t succeed. When we fail at something we can feel abnormal for the fact that we fail, while all people fail sometimes. Embracing yourself with compassion at those moments ensures that you actually grow as a person.
Also Read: Self-love in action: this is how you really take care of yourself
Listen to yourself
When you want to learn to be kind to yourself, this also means knowing what your pitfalls are, which means that you acknowledge the thoughts that hurt you. By being mindful you actively listen to how you talk to yourself. You may have been talking so loudly and unkindly to yourself for so long that you don’t even notice it anymore. My psychologist says the following about this: “If you can put the feelings you have into words, then you are already well on the way to recognizing what you say to yourself and how you influence it.”
When we have thoughts that are actually very painful, our body sees this as a threat to our well-being. According to Doctor Neff, your body then prepares for the ‘fight or flight’ response, which causes the cortisol levels in your body to rise enormously. Our body often responds to this by shutting down, which can lead to depression. On the other hand, our body responds positively to a soothing voice. By being kind to yourself you can feel comfortable and safe with yourself.
Also Read: How strict are you with yourself? Have an interest in self-compassion
Whether you struggle with depression or want to improve your personal happiness, learning to be kind to yourself will help you feel more confident and powerful. Changing your thoughts takes time and effort and will not happen all at once, but when you notice that you are making progress, you will go even further than you ever thought. Because you know that your biggest supporter is always there for you: yourself.
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