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Do you feel misunderstood by your partner while you are showered with compliments? Then it is possible that your partner speaks a different love language than you.
For example, you need support, but your partner thinks that dinner at that nice sushi restaurant will cheer you up. Or your partner has been working overtime all week and gives you a gift at the end of the week and then again doesn’t give you any quality time .
What you want and expect is different from what you get; it is a form of miscommunication in the field of love.
Five Love Languages
Do you find yourself repeatedly confronted with the feeling of being misunderstood? Then chances are you and your partner communicate differently when it comes to love. The good news is that you don’t have to feel misunderstood forever.
It has to do with your love language, and according to a marriage therapist, anyone can master the language of love. This marriage therapist is Dr. Gary D. Chapman, author of the book Five Love Languages . In his opinion, a healthy relationship consists of one or more forms of verbal and nonverbal communication, what Chapman calls the “5 Love Languages.”
Chapman first published his world-famous book on the subject in 1995, “ The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts .” The popular guide to a happy marriage has remained wildly popular for nearly three decades.
While the mobile phone has changed into a mini-computer with unprecedented possibilities during this period, Chapman’s theories have survived the test of time. The book is still widely available today:
- The 5 Love Languages (Original Dutch)
- The Five Love Languages (Origineel Engels)
What the love language is all about
The concept behind the beloved relationship book is simple; find out the ways people communicate with their partners, decipher your own ‘love language’, identify your partner’s and unravel the mystery of what you and your partner really want and need in the relationship.
According to the illuminating book, everyone has their own love language, the way in which they prefer to receive and give love. This applies not only to yourself, but also to your partner. If you express yourself in one language while your partner expresses himself in another language, love will not come across.
In short, knowing which language you and your partner “speak” can help you become better at communicating in those languages.
The 5 Love Languages
In his more than 30 years of experience counseling couples, Dr. Chapman has noticed specific patterns in the way partners communicate with each other. It turns out that most people express and interpret love in the same five ways. He calls them the five love languages:
Love Language 1: Positive Words
The first of Chapman’s love languages is ‘Words of Affirmation’. This language is about spoken communication.
Repeatedly telling your partner how much you love them, giving compliments and pet names , and using sweet words to each other is what this love language is mainly about. Conversely, negative words and insults hurt more when you speak this language.
If your partner expresses himself in this love language while you do not express your love in words, you can do something about it. It may feel unnatural to you, but Chapman says it’s a skill you can teach yourself.
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Love Language 2: Being Together
If you speak the language of ‘Quality Time’, or Being Together, you show your love by giving your full attention to your partner. After a busy day, lying on the couch together without smartphones in hand, watching a Netflix series together or doing something fun together . It is not only about making time for each other but also about consciously dealing with this time.
In relationships with busy individual lives, these are often the few moments to get closer to each other. If you notice that your partner really appreciates these moments, while you speak a different language, it will help you if you make an effort to reciprocate that attention.
For example, don’t plan your entire agenda full of hobbies, friends and obligations, but set aside an evening or two a week to be together. Moreover, it is not just about full days or evenings; If you just give your full attention for fifteen minutes a day, it will help keep your relationship alive .
Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts
The third love language is giving and receiving gifts: ‘Receiving Gifts’. If you speak this language of love, you are not immediately materialistic. It’s so much about the gift but more about the gesture behind it.
You feel appreciated when your partner lets you know with the gift that he or she has thought of you. Just a bar of chocolate can be greatly appreciated if you speak this love language. It shows that you take the time to do something thoughtful for your partner.
If your partner regularly buys you something nice or spoils you with gifts , you can reciprocate this appreciation by doing the same. These gestures are not about the money or the value of the gift, just giving the gift is enough.
For example, pay attention to what your partner shows interest in to surprise him or her with. It is these small gifts that are received grandly by someone who speaks this love language.
Love Language 4: Serving
The fourth love language that people speak is ‘Acts of Service’, translated into Dutch as Dienen. This is a language spoken using behavior rather than mouth.
People who speak this language express love by doing things for others; washing the car, cooking a delicious meal or planning a holiday to relieve the other person of their worries. For these people, actions speak louder than words.
If your partner complains about a busy day at work, you can express your love by taking over the household chores. Lend a helping hand shows them that you really care. In a busy family, this could mean doing the dishes while the other person showers and puts the kids to bed.
People who speak this language react badly to broken promises or lazy behavior. If you are not prepared to show them your appreciation by doing them a favor, you are essentially saying that you do not appreciate them.
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Love language 5: Physical contact
The last of Chapman’s Love Languages is Physical Touch. People who prefer this love language feel valued by regular intimacy. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end up between the sheets every day. Kissing, cuddling, touching, caressing; these are the forms of physical contact that these people enjoy.
If you notice that your partner is constantly looking for touch but you don’t do it yourself, it can help your relationship to start doing it yourself. It doesn’t have to be all day long, just adding some physical contact during the day is already progress.
Hold your partner’s hand while walking the dog, kiss your partner goodbye before work, and end the night with a long cuddle in bed. Even these light forms of physical contact help strengthen the bond.
There is a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone, that plays a role in this. It is scientifically proven that physical contact increases oxytocin levels which in turn results in less stress, more trust and better bonding.
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Do the love languages really work?
Everyone expresses love in different ways. According to Chapman, everyone does so with a primary love language that is sometimes supplemented by a secondary love language. If your own language clashes with that of your partner, this can cause typical relationship problems . Or you feel misunderstood, unappreciated or unfulfilled in your needs.
That’s why you start by identifying your own love language. By deciphering what you value in a relationship, you can figure out what makes you happy. Is it a gift or would you rather receive a hug?
On the other hand, the system of love languages makes you think about the wishes and needs of your partner. This alone is an eye-opener for many people; they realize that their partner actually values something completely different or discover new insights into their partner.
The solution to many relationship problems is to understand each other’s expectations and desires, which are described as love languages. When you learn your partner’s love language, it gives you new opportunities to show your appreciation and express your love; in a way that was previously unknown to you.
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Test your love language
With more than 11 million copies sold, The 5 Love Languages book has transformed countless relationships. If you don’t want to buy the book (yet) but still want to know which love language you speak, you can test it yourself. This is possible with the official assessment of the 5 Love Languages website; answer the questions, leave your details and you will receive an email with the results:
The results explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect with others. If you don’t want to leave your email, for privacy or other reasons, you can download the test in PDF format to calculate the results yourself:
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The love languages of singles
Even if you’re not currently in a relationship, you can benefit from discovering your love language. Chapman’s system may be aimed at people in relationships, but singles can use it to decipher themselves as well.
Because if you know what your love language is, you can search more specifically for someone who speaks the same love language. It is not a guarantee of success, but the chance that you will be appreciated in a way that you want is greater.
For example, you could use dating apps to select at an early stage based on the qualities that match your own love language. Are you the type who speaks first love language with a penchant for spoken or written words? In the conversations on a dating app you quickly find out whether someone knows how to express themselves in words.
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