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It is a familiar scenario for many people: the same colleague comes to help you with your work every time and that while you did not ask for it. In fact: it is even unnecessary, but okay, he keeps insisting and does not accept no for an answer.
It could well be that these people are struggling with the rescuer syndrome. Characteristic of this is that offering help has a compulsive character. The rescuers in turn are insecure people and are looking for appreciation and recognition through the help offered. The fact that the rescuer syndrome also occurs in relationships can cause the person being helped to suddenly become a victim. We explain how this works.
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What is rescuer syndrome?
They jump up at the slightest thing and are ready to help someone else at any time of the day. That sounds very noble in itself, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, the other person is also helped, but as crazy as it may sound, they mainly help themselves. People who have to deal with the rescuer syndrome struggle with a considerable lack of self-confidence.
There is also a downside to this behavior, because based on 30 years of therapy experience, the American psychologists Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger would give the behavior the title ‘The White Knight Syndrome’.
The book ‘The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others’ discusses rescuer behavior in romantic relationships. The book tells how there are people who time and again choose their partners based on their need for help.
People who are fearful or have structural problems, for example. In love, these so-called knights on white horses go in search of people who are vulnerable. The goal of that? That the rescuers can once again fulfill their starring role and then run away with all the praise.
Often both people in the relationship get a rude awakening: the relationship becomes unsatisfactory in the long run. And when it does succeed in pulling the other out of the pit, then the mission is accomplished and time to move on to the next person who can be helped.
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Relationship with drama triangle
Then there is also something called the drama triangle which can be seen as an ineffective communication spiral between three characters: the perpetrator (accuser), the victim and the rescuer. The relationship between these three is also characterized as the rescue triangle. This means that the rescuer fulfills the same role as mentioned above: he or she is always there for the victim.
The fact that conflictual behavior can occur at a later time does not, however, take away from the fact that a rescuer can be kind, easy-going, and social. By helping the other, the rescuer has found a way to give his or her own grief a place or better said: to avoid a relapse. The attention is shifted to someone else and in this way it is prevented that he or she worries too much about his or her own problems.
The conflicts arise when the victim does not recognize the help of the rescuer. Rescuers therefore need applause and it seems to us that the role of the perpetrator does not need to be explained: the perpetrator is seen as the cause of the victim’s problems. The rescuer’s help is very timely, it seems.
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5 Signs of ‘White Knight’ Syndrome
Rescuer syndrome is about a deeper, emotional need of your own. Do you recognize this in your relationship? Then you are not a rescuer because you want to help someone, but because the role of rescuer is a selfish addiction for you.
In this case, it is difficult for you to distinguish between the needs of the people who need help and your own needs. Often this takes its toll at a certain point, because there is an unhealthy and actually unnecessary dependency relationship.
In the most innocent case, you help the other person because you are simultaneously fulfilling your own needs, but in the worst case, you also harm the other person because you are using him or her to fulfill your own neurotic needs.
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When the dependency ends
The problems arise when the rescuer is no longer needed. Rescuers cannot accept psychologically that their help is refused. During a love relationship there is a constant tendency to create a kind of mutual dependency .
You can imagine that this is not the right basis for a healthy relationship and often an unworkable situation arises at this moment. If you recognize this situation, it could be that you or your partner are dealing with the helper syndrome. Some specific characteristics are as follows:
1. Self-satisfaction
You base your self-worth on your ability to “fix” people. White knights pride themselves on “saving” others and this is an important part of their identity. Instead of opening up to true equality in relationships, they seek out unhealthy partners. They are attracted to people with serious emotional problems and are constantly fixated on healing the other person.
2. Problematic past
You also have a history of unhealed wounds. The rescuers usually come from problem families or even broken families. As a result, the rescuer often had to deal with loneliness. This does not necessarily mean that the rescuer often grew up alone, but did experience it as such. This includes traumatic experiences in the family environment.
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3. Search for vulnerable people
You are drawn to people who are needy and have dramatic backgrounds. You analyze your partners, infantilize them and treat them as if they are fragile and incapable of taking care of themselves. In doing so, you even encourage an unhealthy dependency in which the partner would have to rely on you even to function.
4. Controlling the other
You try to control your partner’s life and are focused on what the other person should or should not do to avoid further harming him or her. But actually, this desire for control stems from a lack of control over your own life. Under the guise of helping your partner, you draw attention away from your own problems.
5. Manipulation
You try to manipulate your partner and entangle them in a kind of dependency dance that never seems to end. Even when your partner tries to escape from that dependency, you give them reason to fall back on you. You do this by providing a combination of support and feedback moments. In this case, that is very different from showing empathy, it is about one person taking on the role of ‘parent’.
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