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The first six months of your relationship are over. Normally you would say that things should be a bit more serious now, but you have the feeling that something is not right. Your partner seems more interested in fulfilling their own needs, while yours are ignored. In addition, your new lover is mainly concerned with himself and not with how you feel.
The little hints in your partner’s behavior have made you doubt the relationship. Your partner never seems to really listen to you, let alone take your needs seriously. Instead, your partner always tries to push their own agenda, without concessions or compromises. As a result, you increasingly feel that you are in a destructive relationship in which you are losing yourself. You think you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
What is narcissism?
A narcissist is someone who has a strong need for admiration and attention from others. This is often at the expense of others. It is characterized by excessive self-confidence, a need for confirmation and control, and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic people are often obsessed with their appearance or performance and tend to manipulate others to achieve their goals.
The official name of narcissism is narcissistic personality disorder. Although some people are quick to label a ‘narcissist’ on someone who is a bit selfish, a number of characteristics must be present for narcissism to truly be true.
You are not a narcissist because others say so about you, a diagnosis must be made by a psychiatrist or psychologist. They describe narcissism as a behavioral pattern characterized by an obsession with oneself, also known as self-love. The disorder begins in early adulthood and may continue to develop as the person ages.
“It’s very hard to be superior to everyone I know.” – Anonymous Narcissist
For the narcissist, everything revolves around their own personality, often linked to selfishness, dominance, ambition and a lack of empathy. And it’s not just selfishness. It is like an excessive love for oneself that dominates everything. That can be quite confusing, especially if you’re trying to date someone who exhibits narcissistic traits.
Narcissism is therefore a personality disorder. But even without the official disorder, someone can have narcissistic traits . For example, it is possible that someone has an exaggerated sense of self-esteem and low empathy, but does not have a strong need for admiration. In a relationship with a narcissist, it may involve a pattern of dishonest and manipulative behavior. Narcissists may see their partners as:
- check
- not showing empathy
- keeping isolated from others
- take down
- blaming for relationship problems
When you’re dating, you want to avoid ending up with a narcissist at all costs. These are the people who initially seem like a blessing until you get to know them a little better. The catch is that a narcissist will not mention the narcissistic behavior in the dating profile. That makes it quite difficult to recognize a narcissist. Before you know it, you find yourself in a relationship where you feel used.
To avoid falling into the trap of a narcissist, you first need to know what exactly narcissism means, how to detect it and which signs to recognize. After all, you don’t want to end up with someone who cares extremely about themselves and nothing about you.
Also read: Based on his zodiac sign, this is the type of woman he craves
The characteristics of narcissism
- Feeling superior with exaggerating one’s own achievements or talents and expecting to be treated as superior.
- Fantasies about success, power, genius, beauty or love.
- Misplaced self-image with the feeling of being unique or special with the expectation that only interacting with equally “special” people is normal.
- Desires for extreme admiration.
- The feeling of having special rights with unreasonable expectations and deviant treatment of others.
- Abusing others to achieve one’s own goals.
- Lack of empathy where the feelings and needs of others are ignored.
- Being jealous of others is common, but so is the feeling that others are jealous.
- Arrogance and/or haughty behavior.
With a narcissist you often encounter the “other side of the coin”. On the one hand, they will puff themselves up and radiate an aura of self-confidence. But on the other hand, there is often a deep-seated feeling of lack of self-esteem and insecurity.
The narcissistic behavior that you see in a narcissist can therefore arise from that inner insecurity, which they often even unconsciously hide. This phenomenon is known as the ‘narcissistic paradox’. It’s actually a kind of compensation where the narcissist constantly praises himself to cover up that feeling of low self-worth.
As you can imagine, this behavior can be quite confusing in a relationship. You see someone who pats themselves on the back, but inside they struggle with doubts and insecurity. It’s like they wear a mask to hide their true feelings.
Also read: 4 Destructive Tactics Violent Narcissists Use to End Things
Where does the term actually come from?
The term narcissism has its origins in psychology and was first introduced by none other than Sigmund Freud, the great founder of psychoanalysis. This neurologist, who came into the world in the 18th century, decided to name the phenomenon after none other than Narcissus , a figure from Greek mythology who plays the leading role in the story of Narcissus and his reflection.
According to myth, Narcissus was a handsome young man who lived for hunting. Countless women fell madly in love with him, but he rejected their advances and wanted nothing to do with their love. One day, tired from his hunts, he stooped near a sacred river to take a drink of water. As he looked at his own reflection in the water, he became obsessed with the divine appearance he saw.
He tried to hug and kiss himself, but of course without success – he literally fell in love with his own reflection. Eventually, Narcissus withered away and died, leaving behind only a flower now known as the daffodil. This age-old story lives on in the word ‘narcissism’.
Back to Freud: he discovered the phenomenon whereby some people pay a lot of attention to themselves, while there is hardly any room for others. According to him, it was a form of self-infatuation, an obsessive self-love. In relationships, this often translates to a narcissist who cares more about being loved than loving himself.
This self-infatuation results in the narcissist viewing others as ‘lesser’, while he or she uses others to meet his or her own needs. These characteristics still apply to narcissism, but many other characteristics have been added over the years.
18 signs to recognize a narcissist
If you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, it can sometimes be difficult to recognize this. Because the narcissist’s behavior is often at the expense of someone else, it is important to be able to recognize these signs. Even if it is only to protect yourself if you are actually in a relationship with a narcissist. These are eighteen signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
1. Your partner avoids emotional intimacy
One of the clearest signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist is that they do not want to have intimate conversations about emotions or personal things. They will find these conversations uncomfortable or even avoid them completely. Narcissistic people do not like emotional intimacy because they are afraid of showing weakness or expressing their vulnerable feelings.
2. You feel constantly attacked
One thing that often happens in relationships with narcissistic partners is feeling constantly attacked. If they get angry or don’t get what they want, they can quickly react aggressively and seem more focused on revenge than on communication. They direct their anger and frustration at you instead of turning inward and thinking about what went wrong.
Also read: The Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: 7 Signs of the Silent Struggle
3. Your partner is always at the center of the relationship
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will find that your partner is always at the center of the relationship. Everything revolves around your partner; whether it concerns needs, wishes or feelings. Your partner ignores your needs and does not include your opinion in the decisions your partner makes. It’s not about what you want or think – your opinion doesn’t count.
In the narcissist’s world there is a clear hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top. This means that everyone is inferior. The narcissist must always be the best and brightest, but also have to do everything his or her way. For example, in a situation where it is cool to do something bad, the narcissist will believe that he has done the worst thing.
4. Your partner has difficulty with empathy
Since narcissists are mainly focused on themselves, they often have difficulty with empathy or understanding for other people. For example, your partner never understands what you feel or think, which can make it difficult to build a connection on an emotional level .
Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others. The narcissist tends to be selfish and is unable to imagine another person’s opinion. After all, others think and feel the same. That’s why you’re unlikely to get an “I’m sorry” apology from a narcissist. The lack of empathy also causes facial expressions and body language to be misjudged and sarcasm to be misunderstood.
The lack of empathy makes it difficult to maintain a relationship with a narcissist. This is also difficult to achieve with someone who cannot see the world from someone else’s perspective. The narcissist longs for an emotional connection, but is unable to maintain one. For example, the narcissist wants someone to understand him or her, to empathize with what they are experiencing, but on the other hand they cannot respond to the other person’s emotional needs.
5. You are controlled and manipulated
Narcissistic partners like to exert control over their partner. Manipulative behavior is therefore fairly common in these relationships. For example, your partner tries to influence your opinion about something through lies, which leads you to the point where you accept your partner’s version as the correct one. A narcissist may also try to withhold information to make you insecure or dependent.
Someone who always wants to be in control is not immediately a narcissist. Yet this is one of the signs by which you can recognize a narcissist. The narcissist is constantly disappointed with the imperfect way in which life unfolds. By taking control, the narcissist wants to do as much as possible to control it and mold it to their liking.
In a relationship, for example, this means that a narcissist expects you as a partner to behave as expected. If this is not the case, the narcissist becomes restless, upset and angry. In the narcissist’s life story, you as a partner are just a character.
6. You become isolated from friends and family
Narcissists often have difficulty interacting with other people. This is mainly because they can never really understand what others feel or think – that is why they try to exclude others as much as possible. If you notice that you are becoming isolated from family, friends or other social networks, you can see this as a sign.
“I’m looking for a man who will treat me like a princess.” – Anonymous Narcissist
7. Your partner wants special treatment
In a relationship, narcissists assume that their wants and needs are put above those of their partner. They have an unrealistic expectation that they should be treated special. In their eyes they have certain privileges. This way, your partner can expect to be given priority over others, even if it means others suffer. Narcissists may also feel like they need to be served or respected before other people.
8. You feel unfair
If you are in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, you may feel that everything that is happening is very unfair. It can feel like it’s never about you and always about your partner. Never about your needs or goals, only about your partner’s. You get this unfair feeling mainly because all the effort you put into the relationship is never recognized or rewarded.
9. Your partner is extremely jealous
Jealousy is a well-known trait of the narcissist. Why? They are jealous of others – even those close to them – because they fear that other people will get more attention than themselves. Or be more successful. In a relationship, this can mean that the narcissist can suddenly be very jealous and react with suspicion. The idea is that the narcissist is afraid of losing attention to himself if you as a partner receive more attention.
10. Your partner doesn’t trust you
Much of the narcissist’s life is controlled by fears. These fears may never have been discussed or suppressed, but this often results in difficulty trusting other people. The fear that the narcissist’s true nature will emerge or be exposed is reason not to let anyone get too close. Reassuring does not help, because the narcissist only sees the situation from his own perspective.
11. Your partner doesn’t take responsibility
Have you noticed that your partner does not take responsibility for their own actions? And does your partner shift the blame to others – like you? Then that could be a sign, because this is something that often occurs with narcissists. Not taking responsibility makes it difficult to resolve conflicts . What you may also notice is that your partner makes excuses for the behavior, but does not want to acknowledge that the behavior was inappropriate.
Although the narcissist likes to remain in control, he or she does not want to guarantee the results. If something does not go as expected, the narcissist will not hesitate to blame and pass the buck to someone else. This is necessary to maintain the facade of perfection. In a relationship, the partner is once again given the choice. This is the safest choice because it is least likely to refuse.
“Enough about myself; I’m curious what you think of me.” – Anonymous Narcissist
12. Your partner wants to be admired
Narcissists love attention and admiration. They constantly look for confirmation and often look for it from people who can provide it unlimitedly. In other words, they like to surround themselves with people who constantly praise and cherish them. Narcissists like to be admired, so much so that there can be an excessive desire for admiration.
Attention is so important to the narcissist that it is never enough. This attention is necessary for the validation of others, not of oneself. While there is no shortage of boasting, the narcissist is actually very insecure and afraid of losing the approval of others. The narcissist continually tries to elicit compliments, words of support, and positive feedback to feed on.
13. Your partner is extremely competitive
Does your partner tend to be very competitive? Does your partner always try to be better than everyone else in all situations? This could be one of the signs that your partner has a narcissistic personality. This competitive behavior can lead to conflict with others, because narcissists usually refuse to give in or accept losses.
14. Your partner pulls others down
A narcissist does not shy away from putting others down to feel better than others. They use negative language not only to blame others, but also to lower the status of others. Think of that one colleague they think is stupid, the boss who never listens to others, and the partner who never seems to be able to do anything right. By undermining the self-esteem of others, the narcissist gets an ego boost.
15. Your partner struggles with personal boundaries
Because a narcissist makes everything about themselves, they find it difficult to respect boundaries. This is reflected in their tendency to ignore other people’s boundaries . They are quickly convinced that everything is theirs, even when it clearly is not. If they want something from you and you turn them down, they won’t just accept it. They will do anything to get what they want, even if that means trying to appease you or criticizing your behavior.
“I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let me do this.” – Anonymous Narcissist
16. Your partner is often arrogant
Arrogance is a common trait in narcissism, resulting in derogatory behavior towards people close to them in their lives. Narcissists feel that they are special, more unique and better than others. They may make snooty comments and praise themselves in response to simple questions.
17. Your partner doesn’t want any contradiction
Criticism is something narcissists don’t like – even if the criticism is intended to be constructive. Instead, they react aggressively when you criticize . The typical narcissist also does not accept contradiction, because this leads to a loss of control over the situation – so you as a partner have to take this into account when you are together.
18. Your partner is a perfectionist
It is a natural need of the narcissist to do everything to perfection. Everything has to be perfect; not just the narcissist himself. but also the life around him or her. Events must occur as expected and if they do not, the narcissist is dissatisfied and complains constantly.
It is important to remember that no two narcissists are the same. Everyone is different and not all partners with narcissistic traits behave in the same way. Some narcissists may be more subtle in their manipulation and control, while others are more overt. In contrast, most narcissists use their partner to boost their own ego, for example by belittling their partner.
Also read: 18 Reasons to End Your Relationship (and Dump Your Partner)
Dating a narcissist
In the initial stages of dating, a narcissist can be incredibly charismatic, full of charm and willing to shower you with compliments. Their self-confidence and the way they emphasize their positive qualities can easily win you over. Moreover, narcissists often know how to win over the opposite sex through their attention to their appearance. You might even think you’ve won the jackpot, when in fact no prize is ever awarded.
For the narcissist, the initial stages of dating are usually just a game of playing with the feelings of others. When a so-called ‘relationship’ does arise, the real game only begins. For example, narcissists may continually test their partner by exhibiting worse and worse behavior, simply to see where their breaking point is. Or they completely isolate their partner from the rest of the world, get angry when criticism is made, or turn people against each other. Life in the world of a narcissist is anything but easy.
If you have gone through all the characteristics of a narcissist, you will quickly come to the conclusion that a narcissist is not suitable relationship material . The lack of communication skills, lack of empathy and inability to trust others make a narcissist unsuitable for a relationship. In a loving relationship, understanding each other’s feelings is essential, and that is not on the list of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. And if you think you can change a narcissist, you are mistaken; the chance of that succeeding is virtually nil.
What to do with a narcissistic partner
What’s also important to remember: it’s never okay if your partner constantly crosses your boundaries. You have the right to be treated with respect. Everyone deserves to feel heard and valued. You too. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely challenging and emotionally draining. These are some steps you can take to protect yourself.
1. Seek support
It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust. About your relationship, what your partner does and how it makes you feel. This could be a friend, family member or a psychologist.
2. Set boundaries
In any relationship it is important to set clear boundaries and maintain them. This is even more true in a relationship with a narcissist who constantly pushes the boundaries. Communicate your needs, adhere to your wishes and indicate where your limits lie.
Also read: Why loving yourself is so important and how to do it
3. Take good care of yourself
Despite the fact that your partner demands priority, you must continue to think about yourself. Prioritize your own well-being over that of your partner. This means that you also make time for yourself, for self-care and time to relax. These can be activities that help you relax, such as sports or another hobby.
4. Seek professional help
If you feel like you have lost yourself in a relationship , it can help to talk about it with a professional. This is even more important when there is physical, psychological or sexual violence.
5. Consider ending the relationship
If you feel unhappy or the relationship is having a negative impact on your mental health and well-being, you may need to end the relationship. Narcissists don’t change. So if you don’t change anything, everything stays the same.
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