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It is one of the most complicated things in life and yet there is no suitable training for it: entering into and, above all, maintaining a love relationship. However, there is some kind of guidance in the event of problems and that takes the form of relationship therapy.
We see relationship therapy more and more often, especially in countries such as the United States. In the Netherlands we are perhaps a little too down-to-earth for that, because the acceptance of relationship therapy is not nearly as high here as in other countries.
Relationship therapy is still seen by many Dutch people as a kind of last resort that you only choose when you have your back against the wall and can’t go anywhere. That’s a shame, because a good relationship therapist can make the difference between getting closer to each other and a complete escalation.
Simply allowing in a third party, or perhaps better yet, a listening ear with an objective view of things, can work much better than you might have thought possible.
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What is relationship therapy?
Expectations in a relationship have increased in recent decades and that is, in principle, a good thing. We no longer marry each other for financial or religious reasons, but do so because we love each other. As a result, expectations are much higher.
We expect each other to make a certain contribution to the relationship and we are not just talking about love. After all, living together means having to share, compensate and respect together. At the same time, we must also continue to love and preferably continue to excite.
And that’s quite a lot of things if you ask us. All in all, it’s a kind of balance between you and your partner, or being together instead of being alone.
Fascination gives way to frustration
As time passes, you will also see that the novelty wears off and so will the above-mentioned stimulation. In the beginning you are attracted by a certain degree of unfamiliarity. That unknown feeling, that mysterious one, ensures that the attraction between two people continues.
The same unfamiliarity also knows how to frustrate us really well, because not knowing things also turns out to be hard to bear. While you are fascinated by that at the beginning of the relationship, as the relationship progresses you have the feeling that you have the right to know everything. And that is where it goes wrong.
There is an imbalance in the relationship
A certain form of imbalance can also arise due to new phases of life, personal development, or impactful events. In this case, these new phases of life ensure that you grow more and more apart and the goal is of course to get closer to each other again and regain the right balance. An attempt is often made to do this without external help and even more often, against one’s better judgment, one hopes that the balance will restore itself automatically.
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When you can no longer do it on your own
If that rapprochement no longer seems to work on your own, you would do well to call in a relationship therapist. In that case you bring in a third party who has turned listening and observing into a completely proper profession. This means that relationship therapy is also an objective view of things without having to be seen as a bag of tricks or a panacea.
There is no clear solution, because every relationship and every person is unique. Relationship therapy does not work with prescriptions and it is ultimately a process that you and your partner will have to make an effort for.
Even science finds it difficult
Every therapist works from a certain vision of people and everything that comes with it. There are different ideas about what an ideal, or at least healthy partner should look like. For both therapists and those directly involved, something like that is very personal.
Over the years, many scientists have been working on finding out exactly how a man and woman should behave to keep the relationship between them pleasant . And science, as you might have guessed, is not entirely sure about this. Difficult, difficult.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
Social qualities of therapists crucial
It is therefore not surprising that a specific plan of action or a proven method is not always the decisive factor in solving relationship problems. The therapist’s approach is often a crucial factor in itself. The personality of the therapist and the entire atmosphere that is created is often at least as important as the theory applied.
Successful relationship therapy will often depend on the personal and social quality of the therapist in question. Of course, science counts too. But so does the atmosphere during the entire process. Therapy constantly evokes feelings.
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When in therapy?
Many people who go to therapy do so far too late. In fact, they usually only do so after years of persistent problems in the relationship. Going to therapy is usually seen as a kind of last resort and people are even somewhat ashamed of it. “Getting help because you can’t control your partner? You don’t see me doing that,” is often the thought.
It is also often assumed that the common relationship problems will go away by themselves, because you do love each other. Unfortunately, couples do not know that relationship therapy should be used in time and is anything but a last resort.
Relationships without problems are rare
Relationships without problems are rare and that in itself is not a bad thing. Tensions arise especially when people love each other. If someone doesn’t care much about you, he or she won’t care much about what you’re up to, but when it comes to your soulmate, it becomes a completely different story.
So if you suddenly feel like you’re arguing more often, it could also be that you’re in a phase where you’ve really started to care about each other. Not every argument is immediately disastrous: sometimes it’s even healthy, because it shows that you care about each other .
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What are the main causes?
Although every relationship is completely unique, we as people are inclined to show the same kind of behavior in the relationship. And therefore also to have something in common with each other in a similar way. The main reasons to go to relationship therapy are therefore:
- Destructive communication : everything starts with good communication and this also applies in the relational sphere.
- Conflicting relationship needs : a one-sided desire to have children is a common reason for conflict and even ending a relationship.
- Mistrust : Often this is caused by resentment. The most common reason for resentment is another affair that was never fully healed.
- Sexual needs : the mutual experience of sex and expectations regarding sex differ too much in this case.
- Norms and values : here we are talking about views on financial matters, child rearing, but also religious and political differences.
- Traumas : consider, for example, the loss of a child or another loved one.
Individual complaints: depression or addictions that have an impact on the relationship. - Growing apart : you have entered a new phase of life or have developed to such an extent on a personal level that you no longer recognize each other.
How does relationship therapy work?
Every relationship therapist has a completely unique approach. Of course, there are a number of classical methods that are successful and the approaches of different therapists are also quite similar in general.
During sessions with a therapist, the feelings of both parties are often called upon and it is expected that they also talk about this openly. The inevitable result is that the feelings are often expressed in a conflicting way in opinions instead of actually communicating with each other.
The result is constant recriminations and a lack of nuance. At the same time, an urgent appeal is made to the inner feelings of both therapists. The goal is ultimately to look beyond the accusations, but to see what feelings or needs are behind them.
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Honest: towards your partner and yourself
Many people who go to therapy have the feeling that pressure is being put on them. They are constantly expected to put their feelings into words and that is easier said than done. Having a feeling is one thing, but being able to explain it in a calm way is something completely different.
However, by not talking about it, the problems start to gnaw at the surface in a strange way and often the result is that the smallest things escalate. Think of that fatal argument that was caused by that red towel suddenly being somewhere else than it normally is.
In relationship therapy you have to be open about everything that seems to be going wrong and that can be quite confronting. Only when you are honest with your partner and yourself, you really start working. It takes some perseverance in the beginning to benefit from it in the long run.
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