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After weeks of swiping, matching and chatting, you finally get it. You have a date with a ‘good’ man who you see sitting at your parents’ table on Sundays. Ambitious, helpful, honest and with a good sense of humor, he seems perfect. While you would actually prefer to meet in public, your feeling is so good that you invite him to your home. And that is not disappointing. On the contrary. It feels so good that you end up between the sheets within an hour, while you normally would never do that. What is wrong with you?
In the days that follow, the infatuation takes over. The hormones are raging through your body and you want more from him. But it still doesn’t feel right. The times that follow, he only wants to meet at home and doesn’t want to do anything fun with you. Moreover, you hear from a friend that he recently – while you were already in contact – had a match with another woman. That’s why you wonder: is he a player?
What is a player?
For the sake of clarity, let’s start by explaining what a player is. A player is someone who actively seeks romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners at the same time, without committing to a long-term relationship with any of them. For example, a player acts charming and seductive to arouse your interest, but is not honest about his intentions.
Where does the term come from?
The term ‘player’ originates from the American hip hop scene in the 70s and 80s of the last century. In that period, the term was mainly used for men who received a lot of attention from women and often had multiple partners. The player was then seen as someone who was charismatic and was able to convince women to date or have sex with him.
Over the years, the term player has not changed much from its original meaning. Men who date multiple women in a manipulative way and do not respect their emotions are still called players, although other nicknames such as ‘ fuckboy ‘ or ‘bad man’ are also used. Player therefore mainly refers to a man who is not sincere in his relationships and does not respect the feelings of women, which can also be seen as manipulative and selfish behavior.
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How do you recognize the player?
Many women think they can smell a player from a mile away. But reality tells a different story. In reality, there are only a few women who can spot a player. It is not easy either. With charming behavior, intelligent statements and atypical remarks, players can be very convincing.
Luckily, all bad guys have typical traits and habits that you can recognize them by. Whether it’s offline or online, there are always subtle hints that give away that a trained player is targeting you. Here are 15 signs, characteristics and traits that you can recognize a player by.
1. He goes fast
If a man is in a hurry to meet up, wants to do it at home, and is taking steps forward quickly, take that as a signal. There is a big chance that he is driven crazy by lust and not by love. For example, does he want to meet up on the day of the match? Then you may question whether you should do that now. The same goes for meeting up quickly at your home, which is a signal that he only wants sex and nothing more.
Non-players can also want to meet quickly, but the pressure behind it is different. It is then the result of the excitement of being able to see you and not focused on fulfilling sexual needs. As a rule, men who are looking for more than a fuck buddy are more likely to take their time.
2. He talks about sex, often and quickly
Players and bad guys are sex-oriented. One of the characteristics is that they quickly start talking about sex, as a joke, with a wink or as a serious question. If he tells you during the first conversation how sexy your body is or makes other suggestive remarks, then it is a sign that he is interested in sex.
Comments like this are made to test you. He wants to know how you will react and what he can expect from you. Will you go along with the innuendo or reject it? It’s a way to test how quickly he can talk you into bed .
3. He only misses you at night
The time of day he contacts you can make it clear that he is only after sex . If he only texts you after 9pm and claims he misses you and wants to see you, it is not your smile that he misses but something else. The difference with the serious man? He has you on his mind when he wakes up and has to restrain himself from texting you awake right away. If he only texts you late at night or on the weekend, you can assume he is a player.
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4. He is ‘open’ to a relationship
If there’s one question players don’t like to answer, it’s this: What are you looking for? A player will come up with all sorts of clever answers to hide his true intentions, usually under a big pile of fast talk. Is he saying he’s open to a relationship or is he not against a relationship? While it almost means he wants a relationship, the subtle wording is what separates the serious guy from the player.
Someone who is seriously thinking about a future with a permanent partner is honest about it. He is looking for a relationship. Someone who is open to it is basically saying nothing more than ‘I am not interested in a relationship, but I am not against it in theory’. It is a way to avoid having to lie, while the truth is being evaded.
Actions speak louder than words
5. He has the words, but not the actions
Men try to seduce women in many ways and with different strategies. The goal is to impress you, in whatever way possible. One way some men do this is by making exaggerated claims. He might say that you are the “most beautiful woman in the world” or that he is made of the best “ relationship material ”. All of these grand claims are meant to get rewarded faster and achieve his goal.
It is easier to create the illusion of a perfect future than to build that future step by step, like a serious man does. Therefore, pay less attention to the words, but more to the actions. Don’t you want to be surprised by the true nature of a man? As all Feyenoord fans would tell you: don’t take his words as your starting point, but his actions.
6. He doesn’t ask you questions
A difference between a player and a man who wants to start a relationship with you? You can find that in his way of communicating. Do you ask him a lot of personal questions but not the other way around? Then this is a sign that he wants something different from you than you want from him. If he doesn’t ask you personal or deep questions , chances are he doesn’t need those answers.
When he is serious about you, he wants to know different things from you than when he is serious about physical intimacy. Do you have a good relationship with your family? If he does not want to start a relationship with you, he will not ask. Players almost make it an art to make you feel like you matter, while in reality they show no interest in you as a person.
7. He doesn’t take you to see friends or family
Does he never take you to a friend’s birthday party? Or to his parents’ barbecue? Unless you’ve only met once, this is a clear sign that he has no serious plans for you. If he doesn’t see you as part of his future, he thinks, there’s no point in introducing you to the people in his life. By keeping you apart from his circle of friends, he’s confirming that you’re not going to be together in the long run.
Does this mean that you have found the one if he does take you? No, not really. The meeting does give you the opportunity to gauge how his friends treat you. Are they happy to meet you after all the stories they have had to listen to or do they not know who you are at all? Do they show interest in you or are you just another woman he takes with him? It is the small details that can tell you whether he is a player or not.
8. He doesn’t make you a priority
A busy job, hobbies, sports and other commitments; there is little time left to see you, except on weekends and only when it suits him. A sign that you are not being taken seriously is that you are not a priority for him. If he wants to be with you and share his life with you, he will do everything to make that happen. No buts or other excuses, he will find a way. If you are dealing with someone who does take you seriously, you do not have to fight for a spot in his schedule.
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9. He always knows the right thing to say
Players are called this because they are masters of the game. He knows what to say to make you feel special and does it at just the right time. What he does, he does well and the way he does it is exactly what you crave. Before you know it, the butterflies in your stomach are caught in the web of seduction. Unfortunately, smooth talk is a hallmark of the player.
Players will do anything to get the desired result. They will say what you want to hear, just to achieve their goal faster. If you notice that he gives the right answer just a little too often, then it is time to think carefully about whether his motives are as sincere as he says. Because if it seems too good to be true, it often is.
10. He met you on a free dating app
Tinder and similar apps have a hard time shaking off the ‘quick sex’ image. Free dating apps attract relatively more players and bad guys, while serious men tend to choose other platforms. Although there are serious men on free apps , they are in the minority.
Apps that focus on serious relationships and advertise for them, as you might expect, attract this audience. Although they are often not free, this also has an advantage. It prevents players from becoming members. In other words, the chance that you will meet a player on a free dating app is greater than on an app that you have to pay for. Which serious apps are we talking about?
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11. He has the reputation
Do people often say that he is a player? Then that is often true. A man’s reputation can tell you a lot about what he is like. Do others tell you that you are dealing with a bad man, but you think differently? Then it is time to take stock again and think carefully about whether your ‘sweetheart’ is not a player.
12. He hasn’t had a long-term relationship yet
A three-month relationship has been his longest relationship, while he is already in his early thirties. Or worse: he is already forty and has never had a serious relationship. Men who are ‘older’ and have little relationship experience are usually problem cases. Either he has trouble committing to someone or he is a player.
13. He only goes out with friends
Especially at a younger age, women often have to deal with it; a (bad) man who only goes out with his friends. No matter how much you want to go out with him, he just doesn’t seem to want to share the going out with you. Moreover, it seems that he deliberately never goes out to the same places as you. Why? He never answers that.
Because this is happening in a different city, where no one knows him and he can do whatever he wants, you have enough reason to doubt him. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he has a different sweetheart in every city, but it is a sign that you may not be the only one.
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14. He is acting suspiciously
The hallmark of a typical player or bad guy is that he doesn’t stop at one woman. While you feel like you’re the only woman in his life, he’s dating multiple women . That’s only possible if he’s leading a double life and hiding things from you. If he acts suspicious at times, chances are he has something to hide.
That one time he leaves the room to call someone for work is not a cause for alarm. However, if he regularly ignores your calls or deletes texts from his message list, then it is possible that he is hiding someone from you. Do you never get the chance to read a text, do you suddenly find a second (working) phone or does he always turn off his phone when he is with you? These are the signs that you should not ignore.
15. He doesn’t take no for an answer
Players have a habit of seeing a challenge in everything. He won’t accept your rejection and will do anything to get a yes . A woman who says no is worth the chase: game on .
While the signs of a player can help you spot a bad guy, not every player will fit these criteria. Moreover, it doesn’t mean anything if he matches one or two of the signs but passes all the others. If you can check off the entire list above, there’s no reason to doubt yourself. Get out of here and never look back – save yourself from a broken heart .
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