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If you were to think about the people in your life for a few seconds, you wouldn’t have to think of someone who is both single and living alone. And if a popular Psychology Today article is to be believed, chances are that person is a heterosexual man. According to psychologist Dr. Greg Matos, young and middle-aged men are lonelier than ever before. “And it’s likely to get worse,” Matos says.
The problem? The higher standards of modern dating that straight men face. As relationship standards increase, the options for men decrease, the psychologist argues. Matos says men have to change just about everything about themselves or settle for being single. Ouch .
Matos’ piece quickly went viral, sparking debate and outrage on social media channels. Within hours, thousands of posts on the topic had been shared on Twitter and TikTok. Some applauded Matos’ findings and found validation in the piece, while others clearly disagreed with it—some even sent “hate mail” to Matos.
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Why Men Have It Hard
Matos says there are three reasons men struggle to find a partner, citing the rise in dating app use , higher relationship standards and a failure to improve themselves. The article also cites a recent Pew Research study that found men are now “more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.”
One of the problems is that men make up over 62% of users on dating apps, making them overrepresented. However, women are overwhelmed by the number of options available to them due to the skewed ratio. What this means in practice is that competition among men is fierce and actual dates are rarer than ever, while women are becoming more selective and raising the standards.
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Finally the confirmation
Women were not surprised by the psychologist’s findings. They have been complaining for years about the low standards, the bar that is set too low for men and the preference for men who are ‘emotionally available, good communicators and share similar values’. For many women, it is confirmation of what they have been saying about the dating scene for years.
Men, on the other hand, were outraged because it was said by someone from their own ‘team’, claiming that women are ‘too picky’ and have ‘double standards’. According to Matos, all this has created a divide. Men are left single and lonely because they don’t meet the demands of the modern woman. And perhaps it also gives them hope that single men are increasingly left with fewer options, because then they will finally start working on their skills.
“For men, this gap in relationship skills, if left unaddressed, will likely lead to fewer dating opportunities, less tolerance for poor communication skills, and longer periods of singleness,” the psychologist says. “The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-lasting love.”
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‘Level up your mental health game’
The gap Matos is talking about is partly responsible for the trend that women would rather stay single than waste time on men who don’t deserve their time. For the men who don’t want to remain single involuntarily, there is a task ahead of them. That is to improve their relationship skills. Or as the psychologist puts it: “ Level up your mental health game. ”
“That means getting individual therapy to address your skills gap,” Matos says. “It means appreciating your own internal world and respecting your ideas enough to communicate them effectively. It means seeing intimacy , romance , and emotional connection as worth your time and effort.”
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