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Make compromises, make compromises and adapt yourself to the needs of the relationship. It works for most people. Some even call it a crucial part of their successful and long-lasting relationship . And let’s be honest: it does make the relationship a bit “easier” not to have to fight all the time.
At first you think you have found Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, but thanks to the flood of hormones you do not see the flaws. You only discover this a while later. Love is blind . The once so tidy partner starts to look more and more like a hoarder and the ambitious entrepreneur turns out to be quite a workaholic . And because you start to get more and more annoyed by this, you ask your partner to change.
Conversely, your partner is going through the same thing and now you have two people in a relationship who want to change each other. Just as you are irritated by the mess room, your partner’s dislike of your busy work schedule is growing. Completely normal.
If the love is there and the relationship is generally good, it is wise to accept that it is very likely that you want to change your partner’s behavior and that your partner wants you to change your behavior. But there is a limit.
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7 Things Not to Change
There are some things you should never change for someone else. Maintaining your identity is important for a healthy relationship , so that you can be and remain yourself. In that sense, you should not change yourself for someone else, but for yourself. Because you want to. So no matter how small the things are that your partner would like to see differently, change only works from within.
While you may be open to self-improvement in the eyes of your partner, there are some things that only you should be able to change. Not because your partner wants you to, but only if and when you want them to. Otherwise, it simply won’t work. Here are 7 things you should never change for a partner:
1. Your personality
If there is one thing that makes you you, it is your personality. It determines to a large extent what you think, feel and do. In fact, it is your personality that distinguishes you from other people. Your upbringing and environment have made you who you are today. And that is not something that you can simply change, because it is who you are .
So when someone asks you to change your personality, you are actually being asked to stop being yourself. And while it is possible to adapt yourself, in the long run it is a harbinger of problems. With yourself and your partner.
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2. Your style
Everyone is unique in their own way. Your clothes, accessories, make-up, perfumes, hair, favourite colours and all other things that you can put under the heading ‘my style’. Even if you have “no style”, you have your own style. Your style says who you are, how you like to express yourself and that is something that no one can and may take away from you. If you are asked to change your style, you are actually being asked to change your core : your individuality.
3. Your passions
Everyone has to have something to live for: a driving force behind your personality. One person collects Coca-Cola stuff, another is crazy about football and yet another works like a maniac. So everyone has their own thing: that habit that provides the drive . And although it may sometimes get a bit out of hand, and you may be asked to tone it down a bit, no one can ask you to stop it completely.
4. Your contact with loved ones
Ask a random passerby: “What is the most important thing in your life?” Chances are that your relationships with family, friends and colleagues will be mentioned. All of these people are vital and together they make up a big part of your life. A partner who cannot deal with your loved ones is annoying, but that is not why your partner should ask you to cut off contact with these people.
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5. Your appearance
Women in particular have been criticized for their appearance since the beginning of time. Thanks to social media, this has probably become a bit worse. You should not be too fat (fat shaming), too thin (thins shaming), but also not too white, too brown, too tall or too short ( body shaming ). It’s honestly never good.
Everyone is entitled to look the way they want. And if your partner wants you to change your appearance, for example by losing weight, that is not your problem. Dye your hair, eat your fill, go to a tanning bed: do what you want to do, but only because you want to and not your partner.
6. Your faith
Faith is something that can divide or unite people. It is mysterious and individualistic, which means that it is impossible to put into words why one person believes and another does not. In other words: it is your own choice whether or not you want to follow a certain faith. That is not something that someone else can decide for you. Does your partner have problems with your faith? Then you may rightly wonder whether it will work between you.
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7. Your opinions and views
Everyone has an opinion about everything these days. Everyone thinks you should have an opinion and everyone knows best. Disagreements are not only fought out on the opinion platform Twitter, but conflicts can also occur in relationships.
Your views on Dutch asylum policy are rejected. You give your honest opinion about a new jersey, but it is not appreciated. No worries : it is a shame that it is not appreciated, but if your partner always insists on changing your opinion? That goes a bit too far. You are allowed to have your own opinion and express it.
Especially in a relationship, it is important to maintain your own opinion. The last thing you want is to transform into a yes-man: someone who does not express his own opinion. Because if you are not allowed to express how you feel about something, how can you still be yourself?
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