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A tickle. In my belly. A tickle in my stomach!!
A tickle in my stomach instead of pain between my shoulders. A tickle in my stomach instead of the heavy tired backpack.
This is how I woke up this morning. Kriebel has (temporarily) replaced the painful luggage. The night passed without wild, lifelike and deadly tiring dreams. No waking hours at night this time. But sleep. Peace. Fine!
That tickle of energy. In my belly. That itch is not just an itch. Not just some fluttering, not just some enthusiastic tickling. No. This tickle represents trust.
Confidence in what is to come. Trust that things will be different. I’ll be back!
Eight months ago.
Eight months ago, exactly today, the lights went out.
The image went black…or whatever metaphor you want to throw at it. On. Diagnosis: burnout.
Also Read: How haptotherapy helped me recover from my burnout
As if I saw it coming. Yes, in retrospect. But that’s easy. So no. I didn’t see it coming.
Not as clear as you would expect.
When you run out of money, the ATM machine in the supermarket emits a wonderfully honest, clear and, above all, loud beep.
And when you run out of gas, you will be warned by a nice glowing light. Signals that something needs to change. That you have to take action. Despite all the bells and whistles, the signals from my body were apparently not clear enough for me. A loud beep or a lit light would have been useful.
Tired all day, even after a night’s sleep I got up tired, the reason for this was: busy at work/change in weather/going to sleep too late. Lying hunched over for hours from stomach pain, almost fainting in the shower = maybe I ate something wrong/there is something going on at school/got up too quickly.
I couldn’t fully explain the thinning hair, breaking nails, etc., but I assumed it was because I needed extra vitamins. No matter how sick I felt sometimes, the rule; puke or fever? did not apply. So it was up and down.
Also Read: Back in the office after your burnout, what now?
All those inconveniences bothered me. They were mostly clumsy. There was always something. Stupid. It bothered me. Because everything I did had to be done with full dedication. Being a teacher, being a friend, being a family member, being a dance partner. Everything perfect. With everything I had. And that sometimes faltering body got in the way. At least, it tried. Because I wasn’t listening anyway.
So I plodded on. Struggling with a smile. Above all, an attentive smile, because there is no shortage of attention for others. How I and my smiling struggle got through the last day of work is still a mystery to me, but back in the car it was over. No more ignoring. No more pushing away. No more smiling.
‘Give in’, ‘Take good care of yourself’ and above all: ‘Take your time’ Summary of all well-intentioned advice. However true. But I just wondered: how? How do I give in to this? I just want to get to work and go to class. How do I take good care of myself? I thought I already did that… And time? I don’t have that at all! I have to work, exercise, socialize.
But this time my body won. Without a thoughtful smile, she took me down hard. First by letting the walls close in on me. By making me feel so stressed and hyper that I couldn’t even get that f#ckng mandela colored. And then let the fatigue consume me.
My couch and my bed became my two best friends. My new BFFs. The night, on the other hand, is my enemy.
I lay awake for hours, I was ‘on’ in the middle of the night. And no, this was not ‘because I had to be more active during the day’ or ‘because I might have slept too much’. It was ‘just’ my dysregulated cortisol production. Disrupted by years of excessive use. The waking peak had shifted to 3am. Top.
Also Read: 10 signs that you are heading for a burnout
Together with bed/couch/walks and trips to the supermarket, I bumped through the weeks and months.
Careful steps in social life are accompanied by all kinds of preconditions and reintegration at work with the motto: Not a class, but a job.
Unfortunately, these activities take all the energy I have. There is little reserve left. I still have to make that. By resting, walking and relaxing even more. By focusing on what works. What is possible. What there is.
That itch. In my belly. Just like that. Suddenly.
Also Read: 4 inspiring quotes that helped me through my burnout
Name known to the editors, 35 years old, primary school teacher.
For years I taught full-time with love and passion, but due to all the measures in education, I was no longer able to work the way I wanted to and add to that a perfectionist/control freak/fervent yes-sayer and things went wrong. So I am currently recovering from a burnout. A difficult, emotional and yet beautiful process in which I learned a lot.
Reading about the experiences of others helps me with this. Hopefully that’s what my blog can do too; help someone.
I now know from experience that recognition can be very nice.
Love!
