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Manipulation in relationships is much more common than you think. In fact, every relationship involves some form of manipulation. No matter how good or bad your relationship is: it is almost unavoidable. Usually it’s not a big deal. Often both the manipulator and the manipulated do not even realize it. And without you even realizing it, everyone manipulates sometimes.
Manipulation occurs in all types of relationships: relationships at work, between friends and between lovers. You probably won’t even recognize it until you’re told it’s nothing but manipulation. For example, your partner wants to do something, but because you don’t want to, your partner feels lost. The result is that you – the manipulated one – feel guilty and therefore give in out of your guilt. Recognizable?
If it is incidental, then it is not a problem. But in some cases you can discover a pattern in the manipulation. And when that is the case, you are dealing with a real manipulator. We will tell you more about the manipulator.
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What is manipulation?
Manipulation is influencing another person by using a misleading method to induce the other person to a certain belief or action. A manipulator wants to gain a certain advantage. For example, he or she makes you feel like you did something wrong, while you don’t even know what you did wrong. But even though you don’t know this, the manipulator gains a certain form of power over the relationship. A manipulator is actually someone who emotionally blackmails you.
Manipulation occurs everywhere and therefore also in love relationships. In new relationships, but also in relationships that have stood the test of time. Are you insecure about yourself and not assertive or alert enough? Then you are easy prey for a manipulator.
When are you being manipulated?
You are manipulated by your partner when you do something you don’t really want to do. In a devious way, the manipulator tries to get you to do something. However, you do not immediately recognize most manipulators. In the beginning they are very nice to you and give you everything. You think you’ve met the sweetest partner in the world. Everything seems to be perfect, but it isn’t.
As soon as you are completely in love with the other person and completely trust your partner, he or she will start with the manipulative behavior. Then suddenly they want something in return for everything they have given you. The result? You are forever indebted to the manipulator. And then that person will do anything to get the point across.
5 forms of manipulation
Various forms of manipulation are possible in relationships. Sometimes the manipulation is very subtle. Then you may not even realize that you are being manipulated. Other times you know you are being manipulated, but you cannot recognize it. Once you know how a manipulator works, you can defend yourself against the manipulation.
Do you recognize one of the examples of manipulation below? Then ask yourself carefully whether you might not be in a manipulative relationship. And ask yourself why you are so sensitive to manipulation.
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1. Responding to your guilt
A manipulator likes to play on your feelings of guilt. The manipulator first makes you dependent on and love the manipulator. And then the manipulator uses statements like: ‘I have given you so much, now you have to give something back’ or ‘I paid off your student loans, so now you have to stay with me and love me forever’.
2. Playing on fear
A manipulator knows how to find your weak spot like no other and likes to play on your feelings of fear. The manipulator does this with statements such as: ‘If you don’t do this for me, I will leave you’ or ‘If you don’t do this, no one will like you anymore’. The manipulator knows exactly where your fear comes from and will use it to push through the sentence. Your insecurity gives the manipulator the opportunity to make you do everything that is asked for.
3. Responding to your sense of duty
A manipulator also plays on your sense of duty. “It’s your job as a mother, so why are you being so difficult.” This way you can feel responsible for doing something, while you actually don’t want to do it. Do you have a great sense of duty? Then make sure that a manipulator cannot abuse this. Does something not feel right? Then don’t do it, or talk about it to someone other than the manipulator. This way you can resist the manipulator together.
4. Control
A manipulator usually has little confidence in his partner. The typical manipulator wants to maintain control, is suspicious and reads apps and messages without permission. You may think that it is not that bad because you have no secrets from your partner. But if your partner is a manipulator, he will – as soon as the opportunity arises – use the messages to manipulate you.
5. Social media jealousy
Your partner can also manipulate through social media. The manipulator will then, for example, post photos with another man or woman. Or the manipulator responds to photos of an ex-lover via social media. All of this aims to make you insecure. Ultimately, the manipulator can manipulate you in such a way that you will again do what the other person wants.
Recognizing a manipulator
A manipulator will do anything to get the match. If you say ‘no’, the manipulator will do everything he can to turn that into a ‘yes’. A manipulator’s methods can be characterized as cajoling, blackmailing and even threatening. But a manipulator always needs someone to manipulate. And he often knows how to find the perfect partner to manipulate. Are you such a partner?
If you are insecure, have low self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect, then you are the perfect candidate for a manipulator. It is therefore important to recognize a manipulator so that you do not become a victim of manipulation. Because although you may be sensitive to it, you can recognize the behavior of a manipulator.
In general, all manipulators have the same characteristics. They follow the same pattern and all want the same thing: for you to do what they want. The main characteristics of a manipulator are:
1. A manipulator only thinks about himself
At first it may seem like the manipulator is always thinking about you, but in reality they are only thinking about themselves. What the manipulator wants is important and the manipulator will do everything he can to achieve that. This starts with cajoling, but if that doesn’t work, the manipulator can also use other means, such as gaslighting , blackmailing or threatening.
No matter how sweet and generous your manipulating partner seems to be, remember that a true manipulator always wants something in return. Because a manipulator only thinks about himself – not about you.
2. A manipulator always blames others
A manipulator will never admit a mistake. It’s always someone else’s fault. And the manipulator also gives you the feeling that you have done something wrong. You start to doubt yourself, you think you were the one who did it wrong and you end up blaming yourself. The manipulator is not to blame and you are left with a feeling of guilt.
Of course, there are more people in this world who find it difficult to admit that they have made a mistake. And they are not always manipulators. But do you see a pattern and are you always made to feel guilty? And does that feel unfair? Then you may be dealing with a real manipulator.
3. A manipulator is very generous and helpful
A good manipulator is always generous and helpful. The manipulator cares a lot and he also lets you know that. But remember that the manipulator always only thinks about himself. The manipulator always expects something in return. He or she gives you the feeling that you have a ‘debt’ that must eventually be paid. It is a conscious attempt to create a debt that must ultimately be repaid.
4. A manipulator lives in a world of his own
A manipulator will never admit what his true intentions are. In their own world they are always right. That is the manipulator’s truth and no one can change that. There is therefore no point in arguing with a manipulator. The manipulator always knows how to spin things so that it is the fault of something or someone else. And then you feel guilty again, because the manipulator has given you the feeling that you have not properly empathized with the manipulator’s world.
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Well-known sayings of manipulators
If the above characteristics of a manipulator are not enough for you to recognize a real manipulator, there are a number of statements that manipulators often use to get their way. Do you have a partner who uses the statements below to get his or her way out of you? Maybe you are dealing with a real manipulator in your relationship.
So do you often hear one or more of the statements below from your partner? Then this should really ring a bell. Because then you are probably dealing with a real manipulator.
- It’s for your own good.
- After everything I’ve done for you.
- You’ll let me down if…
- And while you are the most important person in my life for me.
- I ask you something once and then you don’t answer.
- I do it for You.
- You’re the only one who can help me.
Do you recognize these kinds of sentences? Then you might be dealing with a real manipulator. Pay close attention to see if you see a pattern. And if you know you are being manipulated by your partner, seek help. First of all, for yourself, so that you can resist the manipulation.
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What can you do to prevent manipulation?
Now that you know how a manipulator works, what the manipulative tactics are and how to recognize them, it is important to know how to prevent manipulative behavior in your relationship.
1. Find your weak spot
The manipulator knows exactly where your weak spot is. This person knows you inside and out. And because you have given your trust to the manipulator, he knows exactly how to respond to your weakness. With the aim: to make you do what the manipulator wants you to do.
Do you also know your weak spot? Then be alert if the manipulator attacks you in this place. Then you actually already know that you are going to do something that you actually don’t want to do. Get help, talk about it with your non-manipulative friends, and make sure you don’t let yourself be influenced so much when someone attacks your weak spot.
2. Learn to say ‘no’
The most important thing to combat manipulation is to put yourself first. You should only do those things that you support. Does something make you feel bad? Then don’t do it, because then you know that you are being manipulated. Know what your limits are and guard your boundaries. Learn to say ‘no’ and stand up for yourself.
A manipulator cannot deal with someone who is assertive. If you cannot be assertive, teach yourself this behavior. You can probably follow an assertiveness training course where you live. Or there is an online course somewhere. Often when you are already trying to change your own behavior, the manipulator already knows that you are no longer so sensitive to the tricks.
3. Be short and concise in your answers
If you know you are dealing with a manipulator, make sure you give short and clear answers. You don’t have to explain why you don’t or don’t want to do something. A clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is sufficient. And then you don’t give your manipulator any tools to ask further questions.
By being concise in your answers, you do not give the manipulator an opportunity to argue with you. Because that’s the only way to manipulate you. And you almost always lose an argument with a manipulator. Because a manipulator will do everything he can to convince you.
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