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Are you dating a guy and are you starting to think that he is a real mama’s boy? He seems to be unhealthily attached to his mother. She does everything for him and without her he wouldn’t be able to function normally? Your suspicions may be correct. But not every man who likes his mother is a mama’s boy.
What is a mama’s boy?
The term “mama’s boy” is often used colloquially to describe an adult male who has an unhealthy dependency on his mother. While he is at an age where he is expected to be independent and self-reliant, he is not. A mama’s boy is a male who still relies on his mother in various aspects of his life. So much so that it seems unhealthy.
A man who loves his mother is not necessarily a mama’s boy. In fact, research has shown that men who have a strong bond with their mothers are mentally healthier, more empathetic, and have better relationships with women. So a man who loves his mother very much is not always a mama’s boy.
For example, a man who loves his mother will help his mother when her internet is down. Or he will call her weekly with updates on his life. A mama’s boy, however, will call his mother when the internet is down. And maybe even when he is trying on new clothes in a dressing room.
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How to recognize a mama’s boy
Does he love being pampered by his mother? Do you find it a little strange that he – as an adult – is treated like a little toddler all the time? And can he not make a single decision without asking his mother first? Chances are you are dealing with a mama’s boy. Here are some clear signs that indicate he is a mama’s boy:
- He talks openly with his mother about his intimate love life.
- He seeks his mother’s approval and permission for every decision he makes.
- He values her opinion more than yours.
- He doesn’t do his own laundry yet, because his mother does it for him.
- He lets his mother in unannounced.
- He likes to take his mother’s side.
- He complains in front of his mother, hoping she will reassure him.
- He blindly trusts his mother’s relationship advice.
8 Ways to Deal with It
Is your husband a real mama’s boy? If so, it can put a huge strain on a relationship when the boundaries of the relationship are constantly being broken. It’s not easy knowing that you’re living in the shadow of another woman, and it’s especially hard knowing that your husband is hopelessly dependent on someone else – the woman who raised him. What now? Here are eight ways to deal with it.
1. Don’t make him choose between you and his mother
It is not wise to make your partner choose between you and his mother. He is clearly not ready for that and there is a big chance that you will lose him because of it. If you choose an aggressive approach, you will only drive him more into the arms of his mother.
From his perspective, it will seem like you are trying to turn him against her. Of course, that is not your goal; you just don’t want him to be a mama’s boy, not to stop loving his mother. He is probably unaware of the unhealthy attachment he currently has to her.
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2. Set clear boundaries
With mama’s boys, it is very important to set clear boundaries. For example, let him know that a visit to his mother is of course no problem, but that you do not want him to discuss your most intimate details with her. Give as an example the boundaries you set with your own mother.
Also set clear boundaries in your own relationship to prevent you from taking over the mother role. For example, you are fine with giving advice on his outfits, but you are certainly not going to lay out his clothes for work every night. In your relationship, you expect equality.
When it comes to setting boundaries with his mother, that is not your place to do it. He is the one who needs to set those boundaries and realize that his attachment to his mother is not healthy. However, it has taken years to build, so you cannot expect him to easily detach from his mother. Therefore, encourage him to set those boundaries with his mother himself.
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3. Remind him what it means to be an adult
Adults are people who take responsibility for themselves and their actions. They are independent and self-reliant enough to take care of themselves. They can make decisions on their own. An adult does not need someone to get dressed, take care of the finances, or schedule a dentist appointment. If your husband is a mama’s boy, this realization has probably not yet dawned on him.
4. Encourage him to take care of himself alone
It is important to keep communicating with your partner about his relationship with his mother. Have a good conversation and ask your partner if he would like to take more care of himself. Does he really want his mother to always take care of everything for him? If his mother is in charge of his groceries, clothes, finances, health, decisions, and happiness, then she is in charge of his life. It is time for him to realize that he should be in charge of his own life.
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5. Explain to him that you deserve priority
It’s great to have a good relationship with your parents, but it’s not necessary to tell them everything. As a child and teenager, it’s normal for your mother to be very involved in your life. But at some point, as an adult, you don’t have to share everything anymore. A good start is for him to not share more with her than he does with you. And then especially with regard to the things that you as his partner should know first.
6. Don’t involve her in your relationship problems
Relationship problems are, as the name suggests, problems in the relationship . A mother is not part of that. Of course, it is fine if he vents his heart to friends or family members. But if your partner constantly complains to his mother about you, then the relationship is doomed to fail. Keep the relationship problems internal and tell him that you expect the same from him. Her involvement in your relationship should be as minimal as possible.
7. Make decisions together without asking her
Does your partner call his mother to ask what he should wear to a job interview? Or where you should go on vacation? Let him know that while his mother can give him advice sometimes, he is not obligated to follow it. And certainly not that she can make decisions for him.
At his age, he should be able to think for himself and make his own choices. Especially when it comes to decisions regarding your relationship, it is essential that you make them together. There certainly does not need to be a third party involved, let alone his mother.
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8. Never move in with his mother
It is important to keep the relationship completely separate from the mother. This also means that you should never move in with his mother, or his mother with you. Never do this, even if you have no other options to live together at the moment. It may not be a problem if an adult man temporarily moves in with his parents. But if he is a mama’s boy, then this is a big problem.
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