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Our first few lies may be relatively innocent, but as we grow older, the seriousness of the lies increases. Almost all of us are guilty of white lies, but it becomes more serious when the lies are told on a continuous basis.
Take for example that your partner says that your new haircut looks great, while he actually doesn’t like it. In this case, he doesn’t want to hurt you and that’s why he’s lying to you. Although this is not exactly a direct danger to the relationship, it is still good to discuss all forms of lying with each other.
You have to prevent well-intentioned lies from turning into substantial lies that can be damaging to the relationship. Because whatever the reason, lies simply do not belong in a relationship.
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How do you recognize it?
Unless your partner is a master deceiver, he or she will show signs that something is wrong. These signals indicate stress or at least a feeling of discomfort. Of course, a questionable story reveals enough in itself, but it is not just the words that should cause question marks.
Consider, for example, an unnatural smile, a changed voice, dilated pupils, strange movements with hands or feet, blinking too much or too little and touching certain parts of the body (ears, neck, head). If all goes well, you know your partner so well that you notice that something is wrong with the voice or that his or her smile is different than normal.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ― Mark Twain
In addition, serious lies will also change a person’s behavior. If we take one of the most extreme forms, for example, cheating , you will notice that your partner stays on the toilet a little longer and always keeps his or her phone close to him or her.
To be clear: it does not necessarily mean that something is actually wrong in all cases, but strange behavior will certainly raise some questions in your mind.
Examples
We cannot ignore the fact that there are lies in every relationship. All of us lie sometimes, no matter how minor it may be. However, this is not always conscious and we do not always see it as lying. Reason enough to give you a number of examples that can provide clarity.
Twisting the truth
When communicating, we often try to make it seem better than it is. Everyone exaggerates a certain event now and then, and that is also quite human. We distort the truth. Not only for others, but also in our own thoughts.
The reasons for distorting the truth can be varied. For example, lying can be done to please someone, to cover up missteps, to gain advantage or even to avoid confrontations. We want to be liked by others and that does not always include the truth.
Hiding things
Let’s illustrate this with a practical example. Imagine: we have a young man (let’s call him Evan) who is married to a jealous woman (Rebecca). Evan, like every Tuesday night, went to the local bar with his friends and suddenly he ran into his ex-girlfriend. In all innocence, they talked for a while, nothing more.
However, Evan comes home a lot later than usual and this raises suspicions with the jealous Rebecca. “You’re so late,” she says in an irritated manner, to which Evan replies: “That’s right, we went to Daan’s for a drink.” Nothing wrong, right? After all, nothing happened and he saves everyone a lot of misery.
Well, not quite. Keeping things quiet can never be a good thing. Because imagine that Rebecca runs into the unsuspecting Daan in the supermarket the next day..
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Mislead
Deception comes in all kinds of forms. One of the most notable forms of this is using the factual truth to your advantage. How? We have an example for you that everyone has used. It often goes like this:
Someone else: “Hey, why weren’t you at my birthday party? I thought you were coming.” You: “True, it sucks. I’ve had a crazy week, really busy, and I was sick too.”
What is said here is in fact correct, but one thing has nothing to do with the other. You really didn’t want to have to sit in such an annoying circle again. Yes, you were indeed busy, and yes, you were also sick this week. Only you weren’t sick on the day of the birthday.
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Gaslighting
Okay, so far it’s all pretty harmless and if you’ve ever been guilty of it: don’t worry, it won’t change us. However, it’s a different story with gaslighting . In this case we are talking about serious manipulation.
In fact, it is even becoming so serious that we can speak of a ‘victim’ here. Because gaslighting makes someone else doubt their reality. The target? That this person becomes completely dependent on the so-called gaslighter. For that reason, we are talking about a manipulation technique that is often used by people with a narcissistic personality.
We can therefore also see these forms of lying and cheating as a sickening form of psychological abuse or emotional abuse . The other person begins to doubt his or her memory, perceptions and mental health.
Gaslighting combines all kinds of lying and deception: denial, concealment, contradictions, distorting the truth: it is the complete package.
To deny
Although we don’t have a good word to say about gaslighting, denial is also a serious form of lying. After all, we are often talking about a double lie here. In this case, (the full) truth is not told and when clarification is requested, a denial follows. And then the other person is fooled several times.
Of course, there is also another scenario conceivable in which there is a direct denial. In that case, a question is asked, such as “Was that barman/woman with the dark hair behind the bar tonight?” And the answer is a resounding “no”, while that person was behind the bar. And that is serious. Because keeping quiet about something is one thing, but denying it is actually one of the most serious forms of lying and cheating.
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Why it is done
Lying and cheating happens for various reasons that are often personal in nature. However, there are a number of main reasons that can be identified. Above we already mentioned that we do not want to hurt the other person. However, the fear of the other person’s reaction is also one of the most common reasons for lying.
However, shame about your own behavior can also be a reason to disguise a story. It is therefore important for yourself to find out why lying and cheating also happens within your relationship.
Does your partner lie, do you lie, or do both of you lie? Has this always been the case or have you noticed that lies are being told more often recently? No matter how noble the pursuit of lying may be, it is important to ask yourself and your partner why it is being done.
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How do you deal with it?
As with other relational issues, it is important that there is some awareness of the behavior shown. If it is only you, it is important that you try to assess the situation from the other perspective. How would you feel if your partner did the same to you?
Is it both of you? Then it is important to talk honestly about the long-term effects of the lies. In that case, try to realize that you are both guilty of nothing but lies, regardless of the motives.
Confront
Please note: a feeling that something is not quite right is not always enough to initiate confrontation. Although the feelings are often there for a reason, it is important to have evidence. Only then can you really confront someone with a certain lie.
The most important thing when entering into confrontation? To do this in a controlled manner. Try not to get too excited, no matter how hard that is. By acting in a controlled manner, the other person can be more open. And in the best case scenario, this even creates a liberating feeling.
To finish
A strong relationship is based on trust and love. Do you love the other? Then you can decide to forgive the person for smaller lies, but be careful with structural behavior. You can of course forgive a small misstep, but if you believe there is no basis for trust anymore, then you would be better off breaking up with him.
Honesty is the best policy
Anyway, in all cases, lying creates a lot of problems in our lives. Lying and cheating poisons relationships with mistrust and fear. The fact that it is often the small, innocent lies that lead to greater deception should be a cause for concern. Therefore, be as honest as possible with each other from the start, because honesty also lasts the longest in the relationship.
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