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Leaving a partner is never easy. Not even if there is a feeling of relief after the decisive conversation. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been together for two, five or ten years. Ending a relationship is difficult.
For example, after a few months of working from home, you discover that there are a number of problems that you can no longer ignore. Problems that cannot be solved. Or, after years of difficulties, you finally realize that your partner treats you like a doormat.
Perhaps you initially ignored these problems, hoping they would resolve themselves. But when that didn’t happen, you told your partner 41 times. But whatever you said had no effect. And that puts you in a situation you no longer want to be in.
Whatever the exact circumstances are, it doesn’t even matter. Sometimes you know there is no way back and you realize there is only one solution: leaving your partner.
Leaving partner
Most of us enter relationships without thinking about endings. It is indefinite and preferably forever. You think it will last forever. But even though you’re fully committed to a ‘happily ever after’ love story, at some point you may come to the conclusion that the relationship has no future . But leaving your partner? Then that’s not nothing.
There is a shared home, the financial picture, your well-being and perhaps even that of your children. Literally breaking up a household is accompanied by the necessary obstacles and challenges. And we haven’t even mentioned the emotional aftermath of a breakup. Leaving a partner is not a decision you make lightly.
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11 steps to go through
If, after careful consideration, you have decided that staying is not an option, you can start preparing for a breakup. You can go through these eleven steps if you want to leave your partner.
1. Think about an explanation
Sometimes it’s no surprise that you want to leave your partner. That is the case when things have not been going well for a long time and it was only a matter of time. In other cases, the signals were not received and there was no clear advance warning, despite the fact that you did communicate some things. In such cases, you can bet that your partner will be shocked by the message. The question you can always expect is: “Why?”
What is the reason why you don’t want to continue? According to psychologist Robert Taibbi, author of thirteen books and with 48 years of experience in relationship therapy, it is important to work out this question carefully in advance.
Taibbi: “Ideally, talk more about you and your feelings, rather than about the other person and their behavior. You don’t want to be angry, you don’t want to blame. Instead, you want to be as calm as possible, be clear, give a reason that you can state in one or two sentences.”
The danger here, Taibbi says , is that the message is not clear. This is the case, for example, if the reason is vague or you mention contradictory reasons. According to Taibbi, there is a good chance that your partner will be confused and possibly get false hope. Conversely, you should not share too much information, because the other person will then not be able to process what you say.
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2. Expect to have doubts
There’s a reason why people often call their divorce an emotional rollercoaster. No matter how confident you are, expect to doubt your reasons. It is difficult to leave behind something that has been (part of) your life for years. You will be in doubt, you will waver in your feelings and hesitate about your choices. Even if you stand by your choice and stand by it, expect a wave of uncertainty to wash over you.
3. Ask yourself what to do next
In an ideal situation, you have taken plenty of time in advance to think about the different scenarios. What do you do once you’ve shared the bad news with your partner? Because once your partner has asked the question why and has received an answer to it, there is another question that will come: “What now?”
So ask yourself what you want to do after the message. Are you going to sleep somewhere else? Are you taking any children with you? Or are you still willing to share the household chores? This requires rational thinking in an emotional state. That is why it is wise to think this out in advance, in a situation where emotions do not have the upper hand.
4. Think about life after leaving
A big part of leaving a partner takes place in your imagination. What will your life be like when you are alone? Where are you going to live? How do you get a home? These are all questions you can ask yourself. You may not even remember much of what life was like before you moved in together. And because of that you can hardly imagine what it will be like. But if you want to leave your partner, you have to be prepared for it.
If you ask yourself practical questions about life after the breakup, you will increasingly gain a clear picture of what the next steps are. These are some questions you can ask yourself:
- Will your partner have to leave the house or will you?
- Where do you want to live?
- Do you have sufficient income to rent or buy?
- If not, should you get a second (or different) job?
- What can your employer do for you?
- Who will the children live with?
- How do you divide the contents?
- Is there money to distribute?
- Who must pay alimony?
- Will your partner cooperate or resist?
5. Think of the children
The well-being of your children, if you have any, should take priority over your own wishes. The fact that you want to leave your partner should not be at the expense of the children. So don’t just think about the consequences for you personally, but also for the children. How do you tell them? What will their life be like after the breakup? Who will they live with? Should they go to another school? When it comes to children, these are all questions you need to be able to answer. With every step you take, you keep them in mind.
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6. Make a plan
Even if you think your partner – like you – will be relieved when the relationship is over, it’s important to think about worst-case scenarios. The fear of the unknown does strange things to people. What if your partner suddenly starts behaving very differently? What if your partner does not cooperate, but does everything to antagonize you? To stay in control of the unexpected, it’s smart to make a plan for these worst-case scenarios. Think about ‘What do I do if…’
- …my partner does not accept the breakup
- …my partner threatens to harm himself
- …my partner and the children are leaving
- …my partner withdraws all our money
- …my partner becomes violent
7. Get help
Once you know it’s time to separate, having the support of friends and family can help. It’s not something you have to do alone. Your social environment can primarily provide emotional support, but also provide practical help. Friends and family can help with moving and possibly offer temporary accommodation.
Lean on the people you trust during this difficult time. From family members and friends who can help you financially to anyone who can lend a listening ear. Share your concerns, ask for advice, get suggestions: every little bit helps when you make a drastic life choice such as leaving your partner.
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8. Hire a lawyer
Whether you are married or just live with your partner, consider talking to a divorce attorney. Divorce involves a lot , as does a jointly owned house that is being vacated. A divorce lawyer explains how divorce proceedings work, what the consequences are and what can be arranged, even for couples who are not married. In other words: the lawyer can prepare you for what needs to be done. On the other hand, you also have to take finances into account, because a lawyer is not exactly cheap.
9. Copy important documents
To avoid problems, it is wise to make copies of all important documents. From mortgage documents to bank statements to identification papers, make a copy of each document and keep the copies in a safe place. In any case, it is advisable to keep your personal identity documents out of the reach of your partner.
In addition to these documents, consider taking photos of the contents and making backups of any digital information you don’t want to lose. In the run-up to the conversation in which you indicate that you want to leave, you can also change all passwords so that your partner no longer has access to these accounts.
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10. Open your own account
If you want to move on with your life alone, there is no longer room for a joint account. Therefore, open your own checking and savings account, possibly at a different bank if you do not want your partner to find out. You cannot finance your own rental property from the joint account with your future ex-partner. That’s why you’re getting ahead of yourself by opening your own payment package. It also helps if you have saved some money of your own prior to the break-up, which is separate from the joint assets.
11. Departure
Ultimately it will be D-day: the day you really leave your partner. How exactly you spend this day is up to you. Every situation is different. For some, it will be a sudden departure and without the knowledge of their partner. For others it is a process that they have been living for for months. But if you have followed these steps, this day also marks a new and fresh beginning.
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