Is Your Relationship Going Through a Midlife Crisis? Here’s What to Do About It

Relationship problems are common: there are many psychologists who offer relationship therapy and earn a lot of money with it. During your life, both you and your partner change, you experience things within your relationship and outside your relationship. A well-known trigger that can cause relationship problems, especially in people in their forties and fifties, is the well-known midlife crisis. When you or your partner are in this ‘crisis’, this can have negative consequences for the stability of your relationship.

Don’t worry: you are no different from others. Many couples who have been together for a long time experience the moment when they have to admit that they are no longer on the same page. This can cause doubts and perhaps you both no longer know how you are going to maintain this relationship.

Are you between 35 and 60 years old? Then your relationship dip could be the result of you or your loved one going through a midlife crisis.

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What is a midlife crisis?

Growing older is not always fun. It can be difficult to admit that you have left the healthiest and most energetic period of your life behind you. Your own youth has passed, the children need you less and less and what lies ahead may not be something that makes you happy.

Sound familiar? This can be the reason to end up in a midlife crisis. You feel restless and the urge to undertake new and exciting things, so that there is still enough happening in your life to be worthwhile.

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Contemplation and self-reflection

It is a phase of life in which there is suddenly room for reflection. You start thinking about what you have done in your life, what you have achieved and whether you are satisfied with it. It is a moment when you may be a little less busy because your career is stable and your children are getting older. You suddenly have time to reflect on who you are without all the daily certainties. You also suddenly have time to compare yourself to others, or worse: to compare yourself to the person you once envisioned yourself to be.

You may then end up in a midlife crisis. People in midlife crisis have the urge to prove to themselves that they are still young and brash, that life does not end at this age. This often happens by making drastic and impulsive choices that have consequences for the entire family. This has a disruptive effect on the stability of the home situation.

For example, it may happen that someone decides to make very expensive purchases (a Porsche or Harley Davidson) without consultation, by suddenly going on a long trip alone or even by entering into an extramarital relationship through Second Love . It is therefore not surprising that a midlife crisis can sometimes have disastrous consequences for the relationship.

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Who does it occur to?

A quarter of Dutch people between 30 and 60 are familiar with a midlife crisis. It is mainly men who are susceptible to this. How come? Men are genetically less empathetic than women, and also more inclined to exhibit risky behavior.

Did you know, for example, that men live shorter on average because they more often die early from unforeseen accidents and because they choose an unhealthy life by drinking and smoking more?

Women, on the other hand, are (on average) often more aware of the effect their behavior has on their environment. They will think twice before making an impulsive choice that has a negative effect on their partner or child. They will therefore not just get on a plane to go backpacking through South America for six months, while that might be something they would like to do.

Thanks to their empathic abilities, women are better able to find a balance between their own needs and those of their immediate environment, which means that a midlife crisis in women does not necessarily have to manifest itself as catastrophically as it sometimes does in men.

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How can you solve it?

It is now clear how a midlife crisis can manifest itself, both in what you feel inside and in the behavior you exhibit on the outside. That’s all well and good, but more importantly: how do you get rid of those feelings and behaviors? Below we describe a number of steps you can follow to get your relationship back on the right path.

1. Engage in dialogue

Communication is always one of the conditions for a successful relationship. So plan an evening where you can come together, not be disturbed and have full attention for each other. The goal of the conversation is to get closer to each other and to understand the feelings of the other.

It is not always easy to put your emotions and desires on the table, even when you have been together for decades. Try to do this anyway, it is necessary to be able to move forward. Here are some questions that you can look for answers to:

• What am I personally struggling with? What do I want to do and achieve in the next five years?
• What do I find difficult in our relationship, what would I like to see differently and how can we achieve this?
• Children need less and less care, how do we fill this gap and what do we do with the time we have left?
• Which norms, values ​​and interests are most important to me?
• Do I still like my job? Is there a good balance between work and home?
• Are we still compatible and are we still attracted to each other?
• What can the other person do and/or change to make the relationship pleasant and stable again?

During this conversation it is important that there is a safe atmosphere in which you can both talk about what is going on in your head. Be aware that the criticism you give is always constructive and not accusatory, and try to really listen to what the other person says. You can find out if you understood the other person correctly by paraphrasing what your partner said. Paraphrasing means giving a summary in your own words. Your partner can then confirm this or – if necessary – try to explain again what he or she meant. This way you prevent miscommunication that can lead to conflict .

2. Create new experiences together

When a midlife crisis results in relationship problems , it is important to create positive experiences and memories again. Does your partner really want to buy a new Porsche? Then don’t immediately reject it, but rent one of those cars and drive around together for a day. Does your partner need more excitement between the sheets? Maybe you are open to a swinging experience or you think it would be fun to invite a third person to your home.

Always discuss the possibilities to meet your partner’s wishes in a responsible way. Of course, you don’t have to give in to everything: your own happiness is also important. Try to reach a compromise together that you are both happy with.

After all, the person in midlife crisis doesn’t have it easy either: the need to make impulsive drastic decisions comes from somewhere. Keep this in mind.

3. Seek help if you cannot reach an agreement together

There is really no man overboard if you cannot get over the relationship problems together. There are many professionals who have studied for years to offer a helping hand to people who are not able to get along together. As described earlier: relationship problems as a result of a midlife crisis are very common.

Ask those around you if they have experience with this; perhaps they are familiar with a care provider who has helped them. You will notice that you are not the only ones who have used therapy or mediation to get everything back in order.

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