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Some parents wonder if their child is depressed. You notice that things are not going well: your child withdraws, has no interest in anything or often gets angry about something small. As a parent you sense that something is wrong, but what exactly?
Perhaps you are wondering whether your child is depressed. Can a child actually be depressed? And if so, what are the signs in children? In this article you can read what to look for and how you can help your child as a parent. If you pay close attention to your child, you can make a big difference as a parent.
Can a child be depressed?
A child can indeed be depressed. It often manifests itself differently than in adults. Children are less likely to talk about feelings. They do not say: “I feel depressed.” Instead, you see behavioral changes. Some children become quiet and withdrawn. Others become more active or angry quickly.
Childhood depression is more common than you might think. It is estimated that 2 to 3 percent of children under the age of 12 suffer from depression (Trimbos, 2023). And those are only the children in whom it is recognized. Childhood depression can be a serious mood disorder that affects your child’s daily life, relationships and development.
When is being sad normal and when is it more than that?
Everyone feels sad sometimes, even children. For example, after an argument, a bad day at school or a disappointment . That is part of it. Children cannot yet regulate their emotions well , so sometimes they can express intense emotions. That is part of normal development. But if that sadness lasts longer (weeks instead of days) and the behavior changes visibly, then there may be more going on. Your child can then no longer do things that he/she used to be able to do. For example, your child can no longer concentrate, while that was not a problem for your child before and you suffer from several of the complaints below.
Watch out for these signs:
- Your child no longer enjoys things that used to be fun
- Your child sleeps badly or a lot
- He/she eats less or more
- He/she gets irritated or angry quickly
- Your child has difficulty concentrating and making decisions
- Your child often complains of stomachache or headache without a medical cause
- He/she has little energy
- He/she says things like “I wish I wasn’t there” or “there’s no point anyway” or has thoughts about suicide
- Your child is depressed, overstimulated or irritated
- Your child laughs little and/or cries a lot
Do you recognize several of these signals, and do they persist for more than two weeks? Then it is good to look further.
Is my child depressed?
There is no simple test that you can do yourself, but you can pay close attention to behavioral changes in your child. Children generally experience more intense emotions than adults. As your child gets older, your child learns to deal with his/her emotions better.
A child with depressive symptoms feels sad, tired and has no interest in anything. Your child often thinks negatively about themselves and their future. Your child may feel less valuable than others.
You only speak of depression if the symptoms last a long time and are serious. This means that your child almost always suffers from these symptoms and it hinders him or her in normal things. For example, your child can no longer go to school or clubs or meet up with friends.
There is usually no single clear cause for depressive feelings in children. They often arise from a combination of factors. This can sometimes be difficult for parents to see.
Sometimes you don’t see it coming right away. A child who seems to do everything ‘right’ can still be struggling inside. Especially with quiet, sensitive children it can be difficult to notice signals.
An example situation: A ten-year-old girl gets good grades and never complains. But she increasingly says she is tired, does not want to go to sports anymore and complains about stomach aches. Only after a conversation does it become clear that she has been feeling sad for months and often feels excluded at school.
Another example: Your eight-year-old son doesn’t want to hang out with friends anymore, keeps coming up with excuses not to go to school, and cries for no apparent reason. At first you think: maybe he’s just not feeling well. But if this continues for weeks, it’s important to take it seriously.
What could cause a depressed child?
There is usually no single clear cause. Depressive feelings in children often arise from a combination of factors. Some children are more susceptible to developing depression. Others experience intense things that throw them off balance. Depressive feelings are normal after experiencing a bad, drastic event. As a parent, you can sometimes see these causes, but often you can’t.
Below are some possible triggers or risk factors:
1. Stressful events
A move , divorce , death in the family , or a sick parent — such changes can have a big impact. Even if the child doesn’t seem to react strongly to it at the time.
2. Bullying or exclusion
Being bullied for a long time or feeling like you don’t belong, affects a child’s self-image . Children start to doubt themselves and can withdraw more and more.
3. Hereditary susceptibility
If depression or other psychological complaints occur in the family, the chance is greater that your child is also more vulnerable to this. That does not mean that your child will become depressed. But some children react more sensitively to stress or disappointment.
4. Upbringing and family situation
Children often sense tensions in the home very well. Arguments between parents, little positive attention or a lot of pressure can contribute to gloom. At the same time, loving upbringing offers no guarantee. Children from stable families can also become depressed.
5. Low self-esteem or perfectionism
Some children set the bar very high for themselves. If they do not meet their own expectations, they quickly feel like failures . They are perfectionists , worry a lot and hardly dare to make mistakes.
As a parent, you don’t necessarily ’cause’ it. Most causes are beyond your control. What you can do is be alert to signals and be available for your child. That makes a world of difference.
Is your child in puberty? Then depressive feelings are more common. During puberty, your child’s body changes and there are hormonal fluctuations. Many young people become insecure, are more easily irritated, feel gloomy or don’t feel like doing anything. Teenagers change their emotions quickly. Depressive feelings are also part of this phase. These complaints usually diminish after a while.
Help for parents with a depressed child
It’s not easy to see that your child is depressed or not feeling well. You want to help, but you may not know how. Good news: as a parent, you can make a difference, even if you sometimes feel powerless.
1. Be available, without forcing
Some children talk on their own. Others withdraw. Don’t force the conversation, but do show that you are there. For example, say:
“I’ve noticed you haven’t been very cheerful lately. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.”
Stay calm, open and available. Children quickly sense when you are impatient or tense. A safe atmosphere is more important than the ‘perfect conversation’.
2. Listen without fixing
As parents, we often want to solve problems for our child. But children often just want to be heard first. It is better not to say right away: “Then you should just play outside more” , but rather:
“I’m sorry you feel this way. Do you want to tell me what’s happening?”
By listening without judgment, you give your child space to share feelings — and that’s a relief.
3. Bring structure and peace to the day
Children who feel depressed benefit from predictability. Eating, sleeping and exercising at fixed times help to maintain an overview. Small routines, such as reading a book together before bed, provide stability.
4. Focus on small positive things
Big conversations don’t have to be every day. Sometimes it’s enough to do something small together that works or feels good. Think of:
- baking cookies together
- go outside, even if it’s only for five minutes
- watch a funny video
- joking and laughing together
Bright spots help to break through the feeling of hopelessness.
5. Put feelings into words
Some children don’t know what they feel. You can help by putting words to what you see:
“I think you’re feeling sad. Is that even remotely true?”
This way your child learns to recognize and name feelings, which makes it easier to talk about them later.
6. Teach your child to think positively
Give your child a positive mindset from a young age. Do you want to teach your child to think positively? Always try to remain curious about your child’s experience. Give positive attention, without judgement. This way you can help your child find words for what is going on.
When should I seek help?
Are you unsure whether it is ‘bad enough’ to seek help? Then apply the tips above and consult with other important adults around the child. Look for the following signs if you are unsure whether your child is depressed and needs help:
- The depression is severe and hinders your child in his normal life
- The sadness lasts for more than two weeks
- Your child no longer wants to go anywhere or participate in anything
- There are concerns about school, sleep or eating habits
- Your child says things like, “I wish I wasn’t there”
- As a parent, you worry more and more and feel powerless
Share your concerns with the teacher. The counselor of the school can often think along with you whether your child could be depressed and needs help. You can also choose to discuss your concerns with the family doctor first. He or she will think with you whether more help is needed and can refer you to an educational psychologist or child psychologist.
If your child is referred, most children will have conversations with a child psychologist or play therapist. In these conversations, your child will learn to recognize, express and deal with their feelings. Your child will learn more about depression and will work on structure and doing activating, positive activities. For young children, this will happen in a playful way. Parents are usually actively involved, so that you can also connect with what your child needs at home.
You don’t have to do it alone. These professionals are there to help you support your child. By seeking help, you are actually showing that you are taking good care of your child.
If your child is depressed or feels sad for a long time, show interest in your child and listen attentively. Try to find out what is bothering your child. Your involvement is very important for your child. By looking carefully, listening openly and seeking help in time, you give your child the best chance of feeling good again.