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‘I love you.’ Four short, simple words that together have a huge meaning. Declaring your love to someone you haven’t known for very long is therefore not so easy. Especially when you say it for the first time. So much is going through your head that you can no longer think clearly about the timing.
Should I say it now? Is this the moment? Or should I wait? Until you have said it, you are constantly wondering when the right moment is. And then there is the fear of rejection, where the person you are telling does not feel the same way. Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is hard.
But what if you didn’t wait to make the ultimate declaration of love and said it on the first date? That’s exactly what researchers from the Kinsey Institute investigated . They asked 2,200 participants whether they would consider it a dealbreaker if someone said “I love you” on the first date.
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‘I love you’
The respondents’ responses suggest that it’s not a wise choice, although the participants were fairly divided. 46% said it was a dealbreaker (they would end it right away), while 54% didn’t see it as a reason to end the contact. So well over half of the respondents didn’t see it as a dealbreaker right away and would at least be open to seeing how things go.
Despite the common belief that women are the ones who want to hear a declaration of love , they’re actually the ones who are more likely to shut down someone who says “I love you” on a first date. Women were 55% more likely to say this would be a dealbreaker than men (37%). Among LGBTQ+ people, this percentage is even higher at 53% compared to their cisgender, heterosexual counterparts (44%).
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Different than expected
Interestingly , according to Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute and author of ” Tell Me What You Want ,” these results are quite different from societal stereotypes. For example, there’s a stereotype of lesbians jumping into relationships as soon as they meet each other, and then there’s the stereotype of heterosexual men being afraid of commitment .
Contrary to these stereotypes, sexual minority women—like lesbians —are especially likely to say that saying “I love you” on a first date is a turn-off. And despite the perception that men don’t want to commit, they are the least likely to be put off by saying “I love you” on a first date.
How is that possible? Unfortunately, that was not investigated in the study. It may have to do with the fact that women are familiar with love bombing , a manipulative tactic used to overwhelm another person. This overwhelming tactic is popular among people who mean harm, such as loverboys . Moreover, idealization and excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship is, according to many women, a sign of creepy behavior .
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Age plays a role
There was also a difference in the age of the participants. Those who were older were less likely to say it was a deal breaker. Younger people are more likely to reject someone who expresses their feelings too early than older adults.
- 18-24 year olds: 53% think it’s a deal breaker
- 25-34 year olds: 48% think it’s a deal breaker
- 35-45 year olds: 39% think it’s a deal breaker
Because the participants were under 45, we don’t yet know anything about the results among people over 45. But based on these results, we can say that the older people get, the less likely they are to see it as a red flag when someone says “I love you” on the first date.
Lehmiller thinks this is because we may be more aware of the fact that time is limited and therefore more open to potential opportunities for love. He adds that men are generally quite stable in their opinions. They hardly change as they get older. In women, on the other hand, the change is very clear and they see it less and less as a deal breaker as they get older.
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