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As a parent, you know how difficult it can be to set clear boundaries. How do you go about effectively setting boundaries for children? Children need boundaries to feel safe and loved. Without clear rules, they can feel lost and insecure. But how do you set boundaries without ending up in a constant power struggle? In this article, you will find practical tips for setting boundaries in a positive way that works. This creates more peace and positivity in parenting.
Why are boundaries important?
Boundaries provide safety, structure and peace for your child. They help children understand what is expected of them and what is acceptable behaviour. By effectively setting boundaries, your child also learns to take responsibility for his/her behaviour . Your child learns to control his/her own impulses and to express him/herself in an appropriate way. In this way, your child learns self-discipline. Both taking responsibility and self-discipline are very important skills for their development. In this way, you help your child to develop into an independent, balanced adult.
Why do children push boundaries?
Your child probably tests your boundaries regularly. This is normal behavior and a way for your child to learn. Children do not yet know what is desired behavior, how they should behave in a situation and when an exception applies or not. Some children often seek boundaries, looking for clarity and peace. They want to discover: how far can I go? Your child cannot yet (properly) estimate the consequences of his or her behavior. By setting consistent and clear boundaries, you give your child a sense of stability and predictability. Your child then knows what is expected of him or her and what is desired behavior.
How to find the balance between giving in and being strict
Many parents hate setting boundaries. They don’t want to hurt their child and certainly don’t want to provoke a tantrum . But if you are too lenient, over time it turns out that these children have difficulty dealing with frustrations and have less control over themselves. These children are sometimes seen by others as a prince or princess.
On the other hand, there are parents who have no trouble setting boundaries. They are strict and severe. If parents only focus on enforcing the rules, these children often have trouble developing their own opinions and dealing with emotions during puberty . Children who have had an authoritarian upbringing are also more likely to have problems with their peers, such as being bullied or becoming bullies themselves . It also appears that these children have trouble controlling their anger and are more likely to become depressed as adults.
So, in addition to setting boundaries, it is also important to give a child sufficient freedom and trust , because your child also needs that to become independent .
Boundaries with empathy
Extensive research shows that children thrive when parents set boundaries with empathy. This means that setting boundaries starts with connection and a strong bond with your child. You then show your child that you are there for him or her and that you understand his or her perspective. You then enforce the boundaries in a loving way. This makes boundaries more accepted and your child learns to control himself or herself better. You know your child best. Finding the right balance is trying, setting boundaries, giving freedom and adjusting again. In this way you learn better and better how much space your child can handle and needs.
Give your child space and freedom within your boundaries. You set the boundaries and within those boundaries your child can experiment and choose.
How do I determine which boundaries are really necessary?
When it comes to safety, setting boundaries is important and not debatable, such as wearing a seat belt in the car, not allowing young children to cross the road alone, and not playing with sharp knives.
Setting boundaries is also important in dealing with others. Your child must learn to take others into account and treat them with respect. Do not hit others, kick them , or say unkind things. By setting boundaries for this, you teach your child that he or she can stand up for his or her own needs without attacking others.
Children who learn from an early age that they can’t always get everything they want will be better able to deal with frustration and adapt more easily. Here too, it is important to set boundaries from an early age. For example, if your child whines for a candy, wants a toy from the store or wants to stay on a screen longer than agreed.
In every family there are different rules and these also depend on the age of your child. Think for yourself what you think is important to give your child. What are your standards and values and what do you want your child to have as an adult?
So set up necessary rules, so that there is structure and your child knows what to expect. At the same time, don’t say ‘no’ to everything. If you say no too often, it can affect the positive bond you have with your child. Focus on connection and also give your child space to experiment and learn within your frameworks and boundaries.
Setting Effective Boundaries for Children: 8 Tips
Below you will find 8 tips for effectively setting boundaries for children aged 1 to 12.
1. Invest in a strong bond with your child
Make sure your child feels like you are on his or her side. Provide lots of positive, loving moments together. When you set a boundary, let your child know that you understand him or her by acknowledging their feelings and showing understanding. Want to know more about positive parenting? Read all about positive parenting and how to apply it in the article What is positive parenting?
2. Provide brief explanations, but do not be punitive or preachy
Give your child a brief explanation of why you are setting the boundary, so that your child understands why this is expected of him or her. Resist the temptation to preach and react negatively to your child. Also try not to be punitive in your words, because this is counterproductive. Trust that setting the boundary will teach your child enough.
3. Be clear and specific with positive language
Vague rules are hard to follow. Be specific about what you expect. Instead of saying “Behave,” say “Stay in your chair while eating.” Phrase your boundaries in a positive way. Instead of “Don’t run around the house ,” say “Please walk quietly around the house.” This helps your child understand what you do want to see, rather than just what you don’t want them to see. Read more about this in the article Dealing positively with your child and also download the free Positive Parenting Formula, with many examples of how to be specific and clear with short sentences.
4. Look at the situation from your child’s eyes
Try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Look at the situation from his or her perspective and try to name it. For example: “I understand that you really want to play here longer”. Be empathetic while setting the boundary.
5. Involve your child in the process
As your child gets older, you can involve him or her in setting rules. Sit down together and ask what your child finds important and take your child’s opinion seriously. This gives your child a sense of responsibility and makes him or her more likely to follow the rules.
6. Stay calm and clear
It is important to remain calm when setting or enforcing a boundary. Children often respond to your tone and the emotion you show. A calm and clear explanation helps them understand and accept the rules better.
7. Give your child choices
Choices give your child a sense of control and autonomy. This can help reduce resistance. Instead of saying “Stop playing and go to bed now ,” you can say “Should I carry you upstairs or will you go up the stairs yourself?” Give your child the space to make their own decisions, but within your boundaries. You determine the boundaries of the boundaries and your child is allowed to move freely within these boundaries.
8. Deviating from rules
It is not necessary to always be 100% consistent. Consistently following the rules gives your child something to hold on to, but in practice it is not always consistent. There are always exceptions. Sometimes a day goes differently, you are in a different place or it is a holiday. Many children are flexible and can handle this just fine, as long as you explain well why something is or is not allowed.
Please note that you decide whether an exception applies and not your child. Your child will undoubtedly try to push a boundary. Although children always do this for a specific reason and not to annoy you. If you give in too quickly when your child gets angry or has a tantrum, your child learns: if I just get angry, I get my way. And that is exactly what you don’t want. It is not bad if this happens once, because raising children can be intensive and tiring. But in the end you only make it more difficult for yourself, because your child will show negative behavior more often.
Examples of effective boundary setting for children
Supermarket
Suppose your child always makes a scene in the supermarket. Ask yourself in advance whether your child is not too tired to go shopping or whether there is another reason for his/her behavior. If your child is not too tired or hungry, go shopping together and briefly discuss your expectations in advance:
“We are going shopping. I expect you to walk next to me. If that works, you can walk yourself, if it is difficult, I will put you in the cart with me.”
By stating clear expectations and clear consequences, you teach your child how to behave. If your child stays with you, you respond positively and give your child a hug and a compliment. If your child runs away, you calmly walk over to him/her, pick him/her up and put him/her in the stroller. For example, you say: “That’s how I lose you, come into the stroller for a moment, then you’ll be close to me”.
Playground
Another example of something that happens often is that you want to go home and your child wants to stay longer. -> “I understand that you want to play longer. This is such a nice playground. Too bad, isn’t it, that we’re going home. Choose one more thing to do and then we’ll go.”
To want something very much
Or your child wants something that is not allowed, for example a toy or a treat. Name your child’s emotion, but stick to your boundary.
“What a beautiful toy, huh? I understand that you think it’s beautiful and would really like to have it. But we’re not going to do that, because it’s not your birthday/it’s also very expensive/we don’t need it.”
“I understand you want a candy, they are so tasty. We are going to eat later, so it is not allowed now. You will get one in the weekend”
Want tips on how to set boundaries when your child hits or hurts someone? Read the examples and information in the article Dealing with aggressive behavior in a 2, 3 or 4 year old child .
Setting boundaries is an essential part of parenting. Setting effective boundaries for children provides safety and helps your child learn important life skills. By setting clear, consistent, and loving boundaries, you create a harmonious environment for your child to thrive. Stay calm, use positive language, and involve your child in the process. This will help you build a strong, loving bond with your child..