Extremely Shy Child: 10 Tips for Parents

Do you have an extremely shy child? For example, your child hides behind your legs at a party. Or your child has trouble making new friends. Many children are shy, but some children are extremely shy. This article will help you better understand and support your extremely shy child.

Extremely shy child 

Extreme shyness is more than just a little bit of reticence. Many children are shy in a new situation with new people. That is very normal. With extreme shyness, your child experiences a lot of fear in social situations. Your child feels uncomfortable and anxious in contact with other people. We also call this social anxiety. Your child finds it exciting to look someone in the eye, shake hands or say anything at all to people he or she does not know or does not know well.

This extreme shyness can lead to avoiding social situations. If the fear continues to grow, it can hinder your child’s daily life. For example, your child will no longer want to go to school, play with friends, go to clubs or parties. Realize that what one person calls extremely shy, another person may consider a normal, wait-and-see attitude. In our culture, assertiveness is important and we quickly label wait-and-see, modest children as shy (Lange, 2018). 

Causes of extreme shyness in children

Social anxiety in an extremely shy child is caused by your child thinking that others are a danger or threat to him or her. There are various causes that play a role in the development of this extreme shyness in children. Your child’s genetic predisposition plays a role, as do environmental factors. For example, experiencing bullying or other traumatic experiences can play a role, as can certain innate character traits, such as being introverted or sensitive to stimuli. The way of raising children also plays a role. Due to an overprotective parenting style, your child may learn less well to deal with insecurities , which can lead to extreme shyness.

Shy child in class

At school, an extremely shy child is often overlooked. He or she may not participate in group discussions and may even seem uninterested. But that is not true, an extremely shy child is afraid to participate and to speak in front of the group. They can also be underestimated, because they do not immediately show what they can do. These children often need more time to feel safe and comfortable in group situations. That is why it is important at school to invest in a good relationship with the teacher and a feeling of safety in the classroom.  

Never call your child ‘a shy boy or girl’ in front of others. If your child hears this often, your child may start to believe it and that has a restrictive effect.

Dealing with a Shy Child: 10 Tips for Parents

How can you help your extremely shy child? Shyness is common and does not have to be a problem. However, it is important to support your child in this. Here are 10 tips: 

1. Listen and show understanding

Listen to your child and be understanding . Realize that social situations can be very scary and overwhelming for your child. Acknowledge these anxious feelings . Try to understand your extremely shy child without judging the shyness. 

2. Avoid labels

Never call your child ‘a shy boy or girl’ in front of others . If your child hears this often, it can be inhibiting, because your child will start to believe that he or she is just shy. 

3. Show how you handle social situations

Set an example for your child on how to handle social situations. Show your child how you interact with others, approach strangers to ask for something, and how you behave at parties or in situations where you meet new people. This way, your child will learn from your example. 

4. Small steps

Help your child take small steps. Start with a simple, doable step for your child, such as greeting the neighbor or asking a friend something. Compliment the effort your child has made to take this small step. This will help your child’s self-confidence grow. When taking the steps, create safe social situations for your child, in which your child already feels comfortable and expand this gradually. 

5. Celebrate small victories

Every small step your child has taken is a victory over fear. Celebrate these moments together with your child. This way you stimulate your child’s self-confidence. Give your child process-oriented compliments , read examples of good compliments here . Do you want to know more about how to give good compliments?

Or delve into boosting your child’s self-confidence and get started with these 10 fun exercises to boost self-confidence . Building more self-confidence will help overcome shyness.

6. Give your child space

Don’t force your child and give your child time and space to get used to and relax. Your child is anxious and forcing can be counterproductive. Stimulate your child, but follow his or her pace in small steps. 

7. Stay patient

Change and overcoming fears takes time. Don’t expect immediate changes, but stay patient, positive and radiate confidence to your child. A little shyness is not a bad thing at all. Accept your child’s characteristics and give your child the feeling that he/she is fine the way he/she is.

8. Teach your child social skills

Practice with your child how to deal with social situations. Role-playing is a fun way to practice social interactions. Read more tips on how to improve your child’s social skills here.

9. Encourage your child’s interests and hobbies

Find activities, sports or clubs that your child enjoys. These are natural, fun times for your child to practice social situations and interactions with other children and adults.

10. Seek help if shyness is hindering your child

Shyness often decreases over the years, but if your child’s extreme shyness or social anxiety increases and starts to hinder your child, it is important to seek help. Especially if you notice that your child no longer dares to go to school or is hindered in other ways in daily life, it is good to seek help. Find an educational psychologist or child and youth psychologist in your area. This can be done through the GP and they can help well with social anxiety. If the shyness is less extreme, but you still want help for your child, a child coach can offer help. 

This article gives you 10 tips to help your child reduce extreme shyness. You know your child well and know which tips will help your child the most. Try together what works for you. With your love, patience, help and the right approach, your extremely shy child can learn to feel more relaxed in social situations.