Do you also like to have everything ‘under control’?

Have you ever been irritated?

What are most of the irritations about? Traffic, children, work, relationships? All things outside of ourselves. Where do these irritations come from? Doesn’t it all have to do with the fact that we always want to keep control? We try to keep control over children, partner, etc.

What can you control and what not? We have no control over the future, no one knows exactly what will happen. We have no control over other people, they just do what they want to do. If you think about it, you see that you cannot control a lot of situations and people. You actually only have control over what you do – here and now.

If you have no control over something, so you can’t change it, you can only accept it and let it go . That feels very unnatural because control is so ingrained in our system. We have the illusion that we can influence almost everything. If that were true, then everyone would lead a perfect life, wouldn’t they? You would have “arranged” that long ago.

There are a number of questions you can ask yourself when you notice that you are feeling irritated/internally restless. 

1. What am I trying to control/change? Do I want a guarantee for the future? Am I trying to determine what someone else should do? (this is very often the case) What do I feel insecure about? Find the core of the tension. For example: -I regret that I made that choice back then (past), -I hope he keeps his appointment. (future), I want to be sure that this is good for me (future), Why did she do it that way? (past.
2. Can I really control this? Can you really change this? Do you really have influence on this? Is this within your power? There are 2 possibilities: a) Yes, you can do something about this. That’s great – stop worrying and do it! b) No, you have no influence on this (anymore). Then you can only accept this and let it go.
3. Am I willing to let it go? We understand intellectually that we need to let something go, but we just don’t want to or can’t. Why not? Because we still feel too many negative emotions: fear, uncertainty, doubt, regret, frustration, etc.

Yet there is a very good reason to let go. Because by letting go you help yourself. Because by holding on you harm yourself. When you have gone through this, you have seen what you are trying to control, you have seen that you cannot control it, you know that you have to let go and you are willing to actually let go. Now you are ready for the final step: LET IT GO!

You can use short sentences (this is also called affirmation, autosuggestion or mantra). Your own words are always the best. Here are some examples; – I am at peace with it, – I let it go, – It is what it is, – I let it rest, – It is okay. Notice how powerful these sentences are when you say them when you really mean them. You accept the situation because there is nothing you can change. You can move on… what a space.

This exercise is not a one-time thing. You will have to repeat it. Repetition is the power of any skill. Relaxation is the result of practicing letting go. Control is a habit that comes back. You will notice that every layer you let go of in one area, helps you in other areas. If you let go of control a little at work, you can do that in your relationships too. The core is always the same. Letting go is an art that you can refine your entire life. There is no end point, we can always let go of something deeper. Good luck…. ☺

How haptotherapy helped me recover from my burnout