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His eyes are constantly on you, as if he is memorizing every move and every smile. If this was the only thing, then there would be no problem. But when you talk to friends, you also notice that he is always paying attention, listening to every word that comes out of your mouth. It’s almost like he has no life outside of you, and the idea that he might be the obsessive type slowly dawns on you.
His messages flood your phone, every day, every hour. He expects almost instant replies, and if you don’t respond right away, he sends more messages to get your attention. You start to wonder if he even does anything other than message you and monitor your online activity. He also always appears at unexpected times, and you start to wonder if this is just a coincidence or a sign of something deeper. Is he really as obsessive as he seems?
What is obsessive behavior in a relationship?
We’ve all heard of people who are madly in love. They do things that people don’t normally do, as if they are heavily under the influence – not of drugs, but of love. It’s a wonderful feeling to be so deeply in love, they say. But, as with everything in life, there is a fine line between passionate love and intense obsession.
Imagine that you have a garden with beautiful flowers that you lovingly care for. You give them attention, feed them with love and care, and you are happy with how they grow. You probably proudly show your garden to visitors. This is similar to healthy commitment in a relationship.
But now imagine that you are obsessed with the flowers. You spend every minute of the day hanging around the beautiful flowers and compulsively wandering through your garden. You keep an eye on them constantly, smell them and smother them with buckets of water and food. This excessive and suffocating behavior can be seen as obsessive behavior in a relationship.
Difference between healthy devotion and obsession
In a healthy relationship there is a balance between commitment and affection. You are excited to spend time with each other, you support each other and you are given the space to be and remain yourself. But even though you are committed to the relationship and put effort into it, you maintain your own identity and independence . This healthy devotion brings you closer together and that creates a strong bond.
Also read: 18 Reasons to End Your Relationship (and Dump Your Partner)
On the other hand, we have an obsessive commitment that occurs when you or your partner sacrifices your own life to constantly control, claim, and limit the other. You feel a burning desire to always be in the other person’s presence. And while trying to fulfill that insatiable need, you keep invading your partner’s personal space and ignoring every boundary. As you can imagine, this can be suffocating and ultimately have a negative impact on the relationship.
14 signs of an obsessive boyfriend
His interest in you is suffocating, and you can’t ignore the fact that you’re starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with his presence. Doubt gnaws at you: do you really have an obsessive man by your side? These are fourteen signs that his obsession with you may go beyond normal.
1. He tries to control you
Your boyfriend tends to want to control every aspect of your life, from your social life to your daily routine. For example, he constantly wants to know where you are, who you are talking to and what you are doing. In fact, he may even try to dictate your choices, like what you wear or where you go.
For example, if you go out for a relaxing evening with your girlfriends, your boyfriend demands that you keep him regularly informed about your location and who is with you. If you don’t, you will receive a flood of messages. After all, he also asks you to come home early because he won’t go to sleep until you get home.
2. He is unhealthy jealous
Your friend exhibits intense jealousy without valid reasons. He often accuses you of cheating, without giving any reason. Or he accuses you of flirting with other men, even when you’re only being friendly to them. If you talk to a male friend at a party, he will get angry and accuse you of flirting with him when you are just having a normal conversation.
3. He always wants confirmation
Your boyfriend needs constant reassurance about how you feel about him. He keeps asking if you still love him every day, even though you’ve assured him multiple times that you do. He never seems completely satisfied with your answer.
Also read: The Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: 7 Signs of the Silent Struggle
4. He tries to isolate you
He prefers to have all your time and attention for himself. To achieve that, he tries to keep you away from your friends and family. For example, he may ask you to spend less time with others and may even try to isolate you from people who are important to you. For example, he often complains when you spend time with your best friend and tries to convince you to stay with him instead.
5. He is emotionally dependent
He seems to be completely dependent on you for his own happiness and well-being. He finds it difficult to be alone and he constantly needs your presence to feel good. For example, he seems unhappy and down when you go out for a night without him, and he says he feels depressed without you around.
6. He is with you constantly
Wherever you go, he wants to be there. He shows up unexpectedly in different places where you are, even if you have no plans together. You walk into a cafe where you’re meeting up with friends, and to your surprise you see your boyfriend sitting at the bar, even though you didn’t invite him.
7. He gives you a lot
You are constantly receiving gifts without taking your preferences or needs into account. It makes you feel like he’s trying to ‘buy’ your love and create an emotional bond using material things. Later, when it suits him, he can use these gifts to make you feel guilty if you don’t do something.
8. He doesn’t respect your privacy
Privacy? He’s never heard of that. He reads your messages, checks your social media accounts and snoops through your personal stuff without your permission. For example, while you’re away from your phone, your friend might see this as an opportunity to secretly scroll through your messages to see who you’re talking to.
9. He threatens self-harm
“If you leave me, I don’t want to live anymore.” Has he ever said something like that? This type of emotional manipulation can pressure you to stay in the relationship even when you feel unhappy. For example, after an argument with you, he says that he doesn’t know how he could live without you and that he would do something to himself.
10. He has no life of his own
Outside of the relationship with you, your friend doesn’t seem to have any other interests or activities. No close friends, no hobbies, no passions: he seems unable to keep himself busy without you. As a result, he keeps asking you to spend all your free time together.
11. He has emotional outbursts
Your friend regularly has emotional outbursts, quickly becoming angry, jealous or sad. He is emotionally unstable . Even a small comment or action can cause him to suddenly become angry and start yelling or breaking things out of the blue.
12. He doesn’t trust you
Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to trust you completely and may be constantly watching you. He may even try to catch you in lies or deceptive actions, even if you have always been honest. For example, he keeps asking for proof of where you have been and who you were with. And even when you share all the details with him, he still doesn’t seem to believe you.
13. He threatens a breakup
If you don’t meet his expectations, he will threaten to end the relationship or leave you. He mainly does this to get his way or to pressure you to do what he wants. For example, if you don’t agree to something he wants, he threatens to end the relationship. The goal is simple: to force you to give in to his wishes.
14. He has no respect for boundaries
He repeatedly ignores your personal boundaries and forces you to do things you don’t want to do. Although you have indicated several times that you need some space and time for yourself, your boyfriend completely ignores this. Meanwhile, he keeps begging you to be with him even when you don’t want it.
Also read: Why loving yourself is so important and how to do it
Why is he obsessive?
If you have a friend who is obsessively attached to you, this often stems from deeper psychological issues. Think of low self-esteem, a feeling of not being important , fear of abandonment, or unmet emotional needs. Imagine that your partner is afraid that you will leave him. To avoid that, he tries to maintain control as a way to maintain the relationship. If he is unsure of himself, he may seek confirmation from you. He then projects his own insecurities onto the relationship.
His obsessive behavior may also be the result of previous (traumatic) experiences in previous relationships. Or experiences he had in his youth. He can rationalize his behavior somewhat by thinking that he wants to prevent future pain in this way or because he has learned that it is normal (unhealthy role models). And it is of course also possible that he has a psychological condition that prevents him from setting boundaries.
In most cases, the obsessive behavior is not conscious or intentional. It’s a response to what he feels. However, that does not alter the fact that obsessive love can be a major problem in a relationship. Obsessive behavior can lead to a feeling of being trapped in the relationship. You may feel like you are losing your freedom and ultimately the relationship may be destroyed by the behavior.
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