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Perfectionism in children is common. Your child wants to do very well and is afraid of making mistakes. A perfectionist child is more likely to become stressed and can therefore feel less comfortable in his/her own skin. Read all about perfectionism in children here, including 8 tips for parents of perfectionist children.
What is perfectionism?
A perfectionist person has the urge to do everything flawlessly and will not settle for less. Perfectionist children have extremely high demands on themselves and/or others. Perfectionism can be both a positive and a negative trait.
A distinction can be made between two types of perfectionism: adaptive (or positive) perfectionism and maladaptive (or negative) perfectionism (Stoeber, 2017). With healthy perfectionism, you set high standards for yourself and strive for a good result, but you accept that setbacks and making mistakes are part of a normal learning process. With unhealthy perfectionism, there is an obsessive need for perfection and you cannot accept making mistakes or imperfection. Children with this last form of perfectionism are often convinced that perfection is necessary and achievable.
Causes of perfectionism in children
Perfectionism in children can have various causes. Perfectionism can arise from the high expectations of parents or teachers, but also from the example that your child is given. If you are very perfectionistic yourself, your child can start to copy this. The character and temperament of your child also play a role in this. One child is inherently more perfectionistic than the other. In a meticulous child with an eye for detail, these characteristics can turn into stress when not meeting self-imposed requirements. In some cases, comparison with peers plays a role. In today’s society, many children experience performance pressure. Children who are sensitive to this can suffer greatly from it and develop negative perfectionism.
Characteristics of perfectionism in children
Children who are perfectionists to a small extent have many qualities. With positive perfectionism, your child does not suffer from stress and pressure to perform, but is disciplined, diligent and accurate. Your child usually has a great sense of responsibility and is ambitious.
You can recognize negative perfectionism in your child by the following characteristics:
- Your child doesn’t want to make mistakes
- Your child avoids (new) challenges
- Your child is very upset when he/she makes a mistake
- Your child is not satisfied with something he/she makes or does himself/herself
- Your child only focuses on the things that are not going well
- Your child experiences a lot of stress when doing a task or activity
- Your child believes that he/she can and should do something perfectly
- Your child compares himself to the smartest, most athletic or best peers
- Your child has difficulty receiving criticism
- Your child looks at details instead of the big picture
- Your child is competitive
- Your child is not only critical of himself, but also of others
Consequences of perfectionism in children
If your child is a perfectionist in a positive way, this has a positive influence. This is known as adaptive or positive perfectionism. Your child does his/her best, works hard and is motivated to achieve a good result or to achieve goals. Your child is diligent, persistent and driven.
If perfectionism goes too far and your child no longer wants to make mistakes, your child may suffer from stress and fear of failure . Your child will then be very critical of themselves and will avoid new challenges, out of fear of making mistakes. This can cause learning performance to decline and your child’s learning development to be negatively affected.
Your child is sensitive to criticism and is rarely satisfied with something he or she makes or does. This can cause children to suffer from physical complaints such as headaches, difficulty sleeping and difficulty relaxing. Constantly pursuing unachievable results can lead to insecurity and low self-esteem . It is important to recognize these signals and help your child with this.
Do not emphasize your child’s achievements, to prevent perfectionism, insecurity and fear of failure. Also not in a positive way by giving compliments focused on the person or the result.
Dealing with a perfectionist child: 8 tips for parents
Below are tips for parents on how to deal with a perfectionist child. Whether your child is suffering from his perfectionism or not, these tips are important to prevent your child from suffering from negative perfectionism.
1. Don’t emphasize results or achievements
Don’t emphasize getting good results or achievements. Not even in a positive way by giving compliments. Leave out compliments like “That 9 for math is really good!” , instead compliment the process and the effort your child puts into something: ” You really worked hard for that test “. Or let your child compliment themselves by asking: ” How did you manage that? ” or ” What are you happy about? “
Perfectionistic children are very sensitive to compliments. They want to do very well themselves and focus on the result and they want to meet expectations from the environment. That is precisely why it is very important for a perfectionistic child that you give good compliments. Otherwise you run the risk that your child will quickly develop fear of failure and a negative self-image.
Compliments that parents give to their child(ren) are often well-intentioned, but lead to uncertainty and fear of failure.
2. Let your child know that you are proud regardless of their achievements
Let your child know that you are proud of who your child is, whether he/she gets a good grade or not. You do this by giving hugs and positive attention and showing interest in your child.
3. Encourage making mistakes
Teach your child from an early age that you can learn a lot from making mistakes. Making mistakes is part of learning something new and is part of the learning process. Discuss with your child what he/she can learn from these situations. Teach your child from an early age that perfection does not exist and live this example. No one is perfect and they don’t have to be. Everyone makes mistakes and is different. That is what makes us unique.
4. Have realistic expectations
Make sure your expectations match your child’s age, abilities and developmental level. Unachievable, unrealistic expectations feed perfectionism in children. Celebrate small successes in the process of learning something.
5. Use growth language
Talk to your child in growth language from Carol Dweck ‘s growth mindset . For example, instead of “I can’t do that,” say “I can’t do that yet.” The growth mindset assumes that a characteristic is not fixed, but that you can learn something through practice.
6. Never compare your child to others
Never compare your child to a brother/sister or classmate. Compare your child to his/her own development. Look back together at previous achievements or results and emphasize the growth. Discuss together how your child achieved that growth.
7. Teach your child to think positively
Teach your child to think positively and focus on positive aspects of themselves, others and events. For example, discuss every evening what your child was happy with or grateful for. This way your child learns to focus on all the positive things in life and their development. This also contributes to gaining more self-confidence.
8. Focus on having fun
Do lots of activities that your child enjoys. Then it is easier to focus on the process and not on the result. If your child enjoys something, making mistakes is easier and your child learns new skills in a fun way. Then don’t emphasize the result, but enjoy together and have fun.
When dealing with perfectionism in children, the challenge is to be understanding, have realistic expectations, but not to pressure. By encouraging positive and healthy perfectionism, you can help your child develop self-confidence.