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Dealing with disappointments is not easy for a child. A lost game, a cancelled play date or getting a ‘no’ as an answer can lead to tears, anger or a tantrum. Children experience emotions intensely and have not yet learned how to deal with setbacks.
However, dealing with disappointments is an important skill to learn. Children who learn to regulate their emotions become more resilient and self-confident. They discover that setbacks are part of life and that they can deal with them. But how do you help your child with this? In this article you will read why children have difficulty with disappointments, what the consequences are if they do not learn this skill and how you can guide your child to deal better with setbacks.
Why do children have difficulty with disappointment?
Dealing with disappointments is difficult for a child, because their emotional skills and their thinking are still developing. Children live in the moment and often cannot see that a disappointment is temporary. This has several causes:
Normal development: children are focused on immediate gratification
Young children are naturally focused on what they want now. They have little understanding of long-term consequences and have difficulty putting things into perspective. If a child is looking forward to something and it doesn’t happen, it feels to them as if the world is collapsing.
Emotional regulation: the ability to manage feelings is still developing
The part of the brain that helps regulate emotions and impulses, the prefrontal cortex, does not yet function optimally in young children. As a result, they have difficulty controlling intense emotions and often react impulsively to disappointments. They still have difficulty with this frustration tolerance.
Temperament: Some children are more sensitive than others
Not every child reacts the same to setbacks. Some children can accept a setback more easily, while others remain upset by it for longer. This has to do with the temperament and personality of your child. A sensitive child or temperamental child will react more strongly to a disappointment than a child with a flexible disposition.
Expectations play a big role
Children often have high expectations and cannot yet properly estimate that things can go differently than hoped. The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment if something does not go through.
Consequences if your child does not learn to deal with disappointments properly
Disappointments are part of life. Children who do not learn how to deal with them may suffer from them later.
You want nothing more than to see your child happy, yet it is important that your child learns to experience that not everything always goes the way he/she wants. In the short term, your child may become angry and sad, but in the long term, your child will learn valuable skills. If you remove difficult situations from your child, your child misses the opportunity to learn how to deal with setbacks. Children who do not gain experience with disappointment may have difficulty processing negative emotions. This can manifest itself in:
- Difficulty with frustration: Your child may quickly become angry or sad if something does not go as expected.
- Problems in social interactions: A child who is used to always getting his own way may have difficulty playing together, sharing or losing.
- Little perseverance: Without practice in dealing with setbacks, a child may give up more quickly when something doesn’t work out.
- Low self-esteem: If a child does not learn that mistakes and setbacks are normal, they may think they are not good enough. Your child may avoid challenges or be unwilling to try new things for fear of failure.
- Perfectionism or fear of failure: Some children try to avoid disappointment by wanting to do everything perfectly. This can lead to fear of failure or stress, because they are afraid of making mistakes.
By teaching your child how to deal with disappointments at a young age, you help them cope better with the ups and downs of life later on. Here’s how to do that.
5 tips: Dealing with child disappointments
As a parent, you want to protect your child from sadness and frustration. However, it is important that your child learns to deal with this. This helps develop resilience and emotional stability. Below you can read how you can guide your child.
1. Don’t take away all difficult situations
It is tempting to protect your child from disappointments by solving problems or preventing unpleasant situations. But if you do this all the time, your child will not learn how to deal with setbacks themselves. Small disappointments are valuable learning moments. By not solving everything, you give your child the opportunity to build resilience themselves.
- Let your child try things and make mistakes. For example, if a toy breaks, don’t give him a new one right away.
- Set boundaries . Teach your child to deal with the boundaries you set. This teaches your child that not everything always goes the way he/she wants.
- Encourage independence. Let your child put on his own shoes, even if it is awkward and takes longer.
- Don’t solve everything. If your child is not in the group with his/her friend, don’t go to the teacher right away, but let your child experience that he/she can also do something without his/her best friend.
- Not everything is fair. If a brother or sister got a treat at a party and your child is sad about it, don’t immediately give another treat.
- Stop solving every disappointment. If your child forgets to bring his/her cuddly toy, don’t drive back immediately, but let your child experience that he/she can also do without it for a while.
2. Acknowledge and name your child’s emotions
When your child feels disappointed, it is important to acknowledge those feelings. When a child feels like their emotions don’t matter, it can actually lead to more frustration. Sometimes your child seems frustrated about something small and you might be tempted to say, “Oh, it’s not that bad?” or “You don’t have to get so angry about something like that ,” but these kinds of comments don’t help your child cope with disappointment. Read here what you can say.
Examples for naming and acknowledging emotions in disappointments:
- “I see that you are sad because you are not allowed to play at your friend’s house. That is also a shame.”
- “I understand that you are upset that you lost the game. You really wanted to win.”
By naming emotions, your child will learn to better understand what he/she is feeling and will be able to process these feelings better.
3. Teach your child to deal with frustration and setbacks
Children need to discover that it is normal to make mistakes and that setbacks are part of life. You can encourage this by encouraging a growth mindset . This means teaching your child to look at what he/she can learn from a situation, instead of focusing on what went wrong.
- “It doesn’t matter if it didn’t work out this time, you can try again.”
- “Making mistakes is part of life, that’s how you learn new things!”
Also give your child process-oriented compliments and avoid result-oriented compliments.
A positive attitude helps your child to persevere, even if something doesn’t work right away.
4. Help your child set realistic expectations
Sometimes disappointments are extra painful because children have unrealistic expectations. Talk to your child in advance about what he/she can expect and what possible options or consequences of something are. This way you help your child to reduce the impact of a disappointment. For example:
- “What will we do if the petting zoo turns out to be closed? ”
- “Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. That’s normal.”
- “If plan A doesn’t work, we can look at plan B.”
5. Teach your child problem-solving thinking
Teach your child to think in solutions. This way he/she does not get stuck in the disappointment. Make sure that you only do this after you have acknowledged your child’s emotion. Ask your child questions that help him/her to look further and encourage your child to come up with solutions himself/herself.
Questions you can ask:
- “I understand that this is not fun. What could you do right now to feel better?”
- “What could you do differently next time?”
- “What can we think of to make this situation less unpleasant?”
- “Do you have another fun idea if it can’t go ahead?
By involving your child in thinking about solutions, you give him/her control over the situation and encourage independence.
Practical tips that you can apply immediately
Want to help your child better deal with disappointments? Below you will find practical tips that you can use right away.
- Use role play to practice: Children learn best by doing. Role-play situations together in which your child experiences disappointment. Think of losing a game or a plan that changes unexpectedly. Let your child try different ways to cope and discuss together what helps.
- Set a good example yourself : Children look at how you as a parent deal with disappointments. If you remain calm and name how you feel, your child learns that emotions are normal. For example, say: “Too bad it’s raining and we can’t go to the playground, but we’ll think of something else fun!”
- Use a ‘disappointment jar’ : Create a jar with your child and write notes on them with positive ways to deal with disappointment. Think of: “Take a deep breath,” “Get a hug,” “Think of another fun activity,” or a positive thought such as “I’m sad and that’s okay . ”
Disappointments are part of life. How your child deals with them has a great influence on his emotional development, self-confidence and perseverance. By helping your child to name emotions, set realistic expectations and think in terms of problem solving, he will gradually learn to deal with setbacks better.
It is important not to remove all obstacles for your child. Let them experience for themselves that disappointments can be annoying, but also educational. Every time your child experiences a disappointment and learns to deal with it, their resilience grows. And that is a lesson that will benefit them for the rest of their lives!