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Growing up in the 90s, you received very little information about dating and relationships. Everything you knew came from romantic sitcoms, movies, and magazines. You might also have gotten some useful information from friends who had picked up a thing or two about dating.
The scripts told you about “first date rules” and “third date rules,” making you think that everyone has to follow these dating rules. Your friends told you what you could and couldn’t do on a date, making you think that there was an appropriate time for every step of the dating process. From asking certain questions to having sex to meeting your family, the dating rules dictated it all. But now those rules have changed… or are no longer valid.
Dating is not the same anymore
Dating apps have changed the game and thrown the rules out the window. It’s not the same as it was years ago. Wait three days before texting after the first date, no kissing on the first date, the man pays the bill? There were rules to follow for every facet of dating. While some of these rules are still valid today, others are long outdated.
The rules that still exist tell you how to behave on Tinder , what you can and can’t say, and how to reject someone on a dating app. Sometimes it’s more like a game of chess than a casual experience that’s supposed to bring you joy, right? We’ll tell you all about the outdated and modern dating rules.
8 Outdated Dating Rules
The reality is that dating has been completely adapted to our current lifestyle. The ‘old school’ ideology of dating is outdated, old-fashioned and therefore no longer relevant. The rules and etiquette that were considered standard in the last century are irrelevant today. Here are eight outdated dating rules that are becoming less and less meaningful.
1. The man takes the first step
Since ancient times, it is the man who hunts. Not only game, but also women. It is in the nature of the man to conquer the woman. The rule that has arisen from this is that the man must always make the first move. The woman only has to sit back and wait for the man to make the first move . Although in many cases the man is still the person who sends the first message, it is no longer in keeping with the times that the woman is not allowed to do this. In fact, nowadays men like assertive women who dare to take the lead .
2. The man must pay
The fact that men pay for dates comes from a time when men only earned the money and women had no income. The expectation that a man pays for everything can quickly get you into trouble these days. There are still gallant men who pay every bill, but there are fewer and fewer of them. Our own research showed that singles increasingly often share the bill and that the man therefore less often pays the bill alone.
3. No sex on the first date(s)
The rule that a woman should wait for sex is deeply ingrained in our dating culture. When it comes to relationship material, it almost seems “wrong” not to wait. Book after book recommends that you go at least a handful of dates without sex. Why? Because studies show that sex on the first date decreases the likelihood of a long-term relationship. While the research exists and there’s some truth to it, the idea that a woman should wait has changed.
It’s outdated to rule out sex on the first date . It’s not a matter of dating rules that forbid it. It’s more that everyone decides for themselves now – whether you’re a man or a woman. And it doesn’t matter whether your goal is a committed relationship. The third date rule , which says sex is allowed on the third date, is outdated. Physical connections are now more about sexual consent , needs, and comfort levels.
4. Playing hard to get
Not responding to messages right away, not always being available: these are the rules that are based on the fact that you have to play hard to get . Although apps like Tinder have turned online dating into a game, that doesn’t mean you have to play a game with other people. Dating rules that prescribe playing hard to get are outdated. Do you want to respond to a message quickly? Then do so. Do you want to meet up every day? Then there is no one to stop you.
5. Wait three days before contacting each other after the date
It may be the most outdated dating rule of this decade: three days to make contact after a date. According to classic folk wisdom, the follow-up should not be too soon, but also not too late; three to five days would be perfect. This rule, which is still recommended in dozens of Dutch articles, is based on how it works in America. Compared to the Netherlands, it is not comparable: the rule does not exist here.
You don’t have to wait to text after a date. If you wait three days after a date, chances are the other person will assume you’re not interested. Think about it. Before the date, you text each other every day and suddenly there’s a few days of radio silence after the date . This is completely unnecessary if you want to continue with the other person.
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6. Never kiss on the first date
Online dating has completely changed the way we date. From how we meet people to who we choose to date, the old-fashioned blind date is a thing of the past. While the dating world has undergone a metamorphosis, there are still some outdated dating rules that modern singles must adhere to. One of these rules is “never kiss on the first date.” Though it was probably invented ages ago, it is now a dating rule that is lagging behind reality. You can now kiss whoever you want, whenever you want, however you want.
7. Dates start at the front door
In the past, women would wait nervously on the couch, waiting for the doorbell to ring. It was a dating rule that the man would pull up to their house to take them out on a date. Dates always started at the front door – the first real meeting. Today, this dating rule is a thing of the past. It is now common to meet in a central, public location such as a bar or restaurant. In fact, it is wise not to share your address at all until you have met someone in person.
8. It must be ‘love at first sight’
Romantic movies have made us believe that love at first sight is the way to meet your dream partner. You bump into someone on your way to work while looking at your phone; “Sorry, I was…” The moment you look at each other, everything around you disappears like snow in the sun. This is love at first sight . In reality, this rarely happens anymore. It is not the norm, it is rare. We live in a different time. Love at first sight has made way for love on the thousandth swipe.
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10 modern dating rules
Although there are many dating rules that have not stood the test of time, there are a number of unwritten dating rules that have emerged. These are the rules and customs that have developed over time in modern dating culture. These are these ten dating rules.
1. No message means no interest
Men who are new to dating apps are surprised by the lack of responses. They send a message and are ignored. As a newbie to the world of dating apps, it is a strange sensation. You might even think that your world has lost its meaning because everyone has become so rude. “Can’t you at least say you’re not interested?”, they think. However, in the current state of dating apps, it is common practice to not respond if you are not interested. Dating apps have made it easier to reject others. Not responding has become the default when there is no interest.
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2. Do not ‘follow’ without permission
It is not polite to follow someone’s social media profile because you saw their profile on a dating app. It is against the rules of social acceptance. Or better yet: it is creepy behavior, especially if the following is accompanied by a DM. So never do that before you get permission to follow someone and continue via DM.
3. Investigations are allowed, stalking is not
When it comes to social media, we can all agree that it gives us a refined insight into who we are dealing with. Photos, videos, stories, and captions tell you what someone is like. It is legitimate to investigate whether the match you want to meet is a serial killer. Stalking is not. Nothing is creepier than a match who likes every photo from 2013 and comments on photos from 2017.
4. Written confirmation is not always necessary
Most conversations on dating apps fizzle out. That’s when the messages diminish, the intensity drops, and the responses stop. And that’s okay – this form of ghosting is accepted by everyone. Without explanation and without reason, you can withdraw from a conversation, that’s the rule. However, if you have agreed to meet, it’s polite to let someone know that you don’t want to continue.
5. Not too many messages in a row
It’s an unwritten rule that a conversation should be a two-way street. There should be a balance in the conversation. So when you send eight messages at a time and get one back, the balance is off. There’s nothing worse than having multiple messages waiting for you to answer before you even have a chance to answer one.
6. No sexual messages
Most dating apps have tightened their rules and guidelines for sexual messages to prevent unwanted behavior. As a rule, it is not allowed to start a conversation with sexual jokes, innuendos, requests and comments. When you say these things without knowing your match, it can come across as offensive or make the other person uncomfortable. Unless it is requested or the conversation has gone in that direction, a sexually suggestive comment or photo is therefore unwelcome.
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7. No phones on the first date
It’s one of the most annoying experiences for singles: going on a date with someone who constantly picks up their phone. Whether you want to quickly respond to a group message or see what that notification was for, don’t do it, because it’s not appreciated. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being reachable in an emergency. But otherwise, it’s an unwritten rule that you keep your phones out of sight during a date. It’s currently considered the biggest annoyance for singles on the date.
8. Do not meet with more than one person at a time
If you follow American experts, they will advise you to date multiple people at the same time. Is that smart? The answer is ‘no’. In a world city like New York, that may be common, but it does not apply to the average bachelor in the Netherlands. Here it is common to assume that you are dating each other exclusively , unless you explicitly agree that it is not exclusive.
9. Do not make official without consultation
Dating is dating until both agree that it is more than dating. It is an unwritten rule that you must first have had ‘the talk’ in order to make the relationship official. Making a relationship official, to the extent that it is desired, is about consent. If you do not have that, a relationship cannot be official.
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10. The 30-day rule
Anyone who wants to repair a relationship with an ex will at some point come across the 30-day rule. It is not a real rule, but more advice from experienced people. They state that avoiding contact with an ex for 30 days is necessary to win back the heart of your ex.
The most important dating rule is actually that you should not follow dating rules. At least, if you know yourself that you behave according to generally accepted norms and values.
- Decide for yourself what is best for you personally.
- Don’t hold back because a ‘rule’ doesn’t allow it.
- Do what feels right.
- Be respectful of other people’s boundaries.
Once you let go of the rules and stop assuming what the ‘rules’ dictate, you can be yourself freely and without hesitation. It is not necessary to follow all the rules of dating; it is actually fun to go against the rules. Only by letting go of the rules can you be completely yourself and that is exactly what is expected of you.
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