Share This Article
The structure of a monogamous male-female relationship dominates the contemporary idea of romance . A man and woman bump into each other, fall in love and start a relationship. If things go well, they will move in together and have children. For most people, this is the ideal image of a love relationship. But what if we consider alternatives?
We know the polyamorous relationship , such as a love triangle , but also polygamy and open relationships. What makes some of these relationships so special is that falling in love with another person is not frowned upon. On the contrary: it is encouraged. Because in these relationships there is something called jealousy, a form of empathy that centers on a genuine sense of joy for your partner.
What is the jealousy feeling?
The feeling of jealousy, also known as compersion, is a feeling of joy you experience when you see your partner happy with someone else. If you have this feeling, you experience genuine empathetic joy when you see your loved one having fun while flirting or even sleeping with someone else.
Think about how you feel when your loved one achieves a big goal in his or her life. You’re happy for him or her, right? Compersion goes a little further, but builds on this natural feeling. When your partner interacts romantically or sexually with another person, you feel joy and release them into their connection.
Unlike voyeurism, the feeling of love is not directly related to the sexual activity itself. You can, as it were, empathize with your partner’s happiness because you can see it from the outside.
ALSO READ: To Break Up or Not: 5 Ways to Test That
The difference with jealousy
The emotion of jealousy plays a major role in our lives. You can actually compare jealousy to an emotional alarm bell going off in your head. The bell warns you of some kind of inconvenience – an upcoming danger. For example, your loved one may not give you the attention or affection you need, resulting in an unstable or upset feeling that leads to jealousy in the relationship . But the alarm bell can also go off due to misconceptions or our own insecurities.
For example, we fear that a conversation between our partner and an attractive stranger means they are no longer that interested in us. Many are quick to view this situation as a threat to the relationship. Even if our fears are not true, our insecurities can take over and manifest themselves in the form of jealousy.
Dealing with jealousy
Monogamous society tends to treat jealousy as some kind of disease, something to be feared. The feeling is treated as a powerful, ugly emotion that we think can destroy us and our relationship. Mastering compassion actually feels like the opposite of jealousy.
You don’t feel upset or threatened by the idea of a third person, but instead feel genuine joy. This does not mean that you do not experience jealousy at all, but rather see it as a feeling that is part of the human emotional spectrum. Although it is certainly possible for jealousy to bubble up with compassion, you experience less ‘suffering’ when it happens.
The main difference is therefore in the way one deals with jealousy. With compassion, jealousy is ‘normal’ and is part of the coping process. It is a normal experience of emotions. It’s not a reason to get angry or insecure about the relationship.
ALSO READ: 12 Mistakes You Make When you Argue with Your Partner
The role in polyamory
The feeling of jealousy is common in poly communities and is therefore closely linked to the polyamory lifestyle. Polyamorists accept sexual intimacy with another person if it is done in all honesty and consent of all persons involved. The principles are mainly based on ethics and good communication.
Polyamory is also distinguished from cheating. Being intimate with another person happens with the consent of the partner, and is therefore of a ‘moral’ nature. Although the term is widely used in poly circles, anyone in a non-monogamous relationship can experience joy when the partner has other love connections.
How do you achieve that feeling of love?
Compersion often doesn’t come naturally to most people, largely because we have been trained to protect our partner relationships and have organized our current society around monogamy. That means that for many it is a feeling or skill that requires conscious practice.
In fact, everyone has the opportunity to feel the feeling of jealousy. For some it will be less naturally present. For example, if you are someone who is generally quick and excessively jealous, then you will have to practice a little harder to achieve compersion. The great thing is that we as humans are able to learn this skill, which also allows us to evolve as humans.
ALSO READ: 13 Romantic Date Ideas to Plan Right Now
The components of the jalief feeling
There are some components that can point you in the direction of creating more compersion in your life. To experience the feeling of love, you must first understand what your partner feels and what his or her wishes are. A certain emotional maturity is needed to understand that jealousy is just one of the human emotions and that we can control it.
When you realize that your partner’s happiness can also be yours, you will be able to feel this too. During this process, your sense of safety and security is important. As you embark on this process with your partner, make sure you support each other to push through the insecure feelings, because that is the only way to discover where they come from.
It certainly takes some effort to practice with these relationship components. But when you give yourself and your partner time to discuss fears and insecurities, there will be more room to feel compersion.
P.S. Are you already following Gistinger.com on Facebook , Instagram and Twitter?