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Everyone has a disagreement with a partner at some point. In the worst case, this leads to a heated argument, in the mildest case it only causes mild irritation between those involved. The remarkable thing about long-term relationships is that the same situation can cause a minor irritation or an argument that completely escalates. The exact outcome depends on small details that can make a world of difference in no time.
Disagreements occur in all relationships, but what matters most is how they are handled. Are you a hothead who immediately makes accusations and enters into discussions in a heated manner? Or are you the calm person who ensures that a solution is always found that each of you can agree with?
The way you deal with a relationship problem – no matter the size – can ultimately determine whether your relationship is healthy or unhealthy. So that’s reason enough for us to come up with a few tips that can help you tackle the next argument in a healthy way. Or as we say in good Dutch: they ensure that bickering does not become a big argument.
What is bickering?
Kibbelen is a typical Dutch word that depicts small arguments without escalating into a serious argument or protracted conflict. Think of a disagreement that everyone wants to have their say about and where you quickly clash. Bickering therefore stands for disagreements, trifles, and is often referred to as a quarrel that quickly calms down afterwards.
Bickering can continue for a long time, but in many cases it will remain just moments of irritation, without causing lasting damage to the relationship. However, whether there is indeed no escalation depends on tiny details, where both verbal and non-verbal communication can make the difference. The target? To prevent a few words from ruining things and what started as bickering and meaningless developing into an argument .
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2 techniques to avoid conflict
Disagreements in relationships happen for many reasons, from small everyday conflicts like who does the dishes to serious issues like infidelity . Stress in other areas of our lives also affects our relationships and that can cause a seemingly meaningless situation to explode.
We all know that if you come home from work frustrated and exhausted or have conflicts with other friends or family members, the stress can be contagious to the relationship. You must therefore learn how to control small moments of bickering so as not to turn them into conflict. There are a number of techniques for this, two of which we will discuss with you:
1. Work with timeouts
How many times have we all had things come out of our mouths that you would never have said if you had just waited five minutes and calmed down? Often the emotional reaction to a minor thing is the reason for escalation and not the original point of discussion. Recognizable?
That is precisely why it is important to work with timeouts. One of the most effective techniques to avoid getting to this point is to set a timeout. By closing your mouth again, sighing, or walking out of the room, you can avoid a lot of hassle that never happened. Kari Rusnak, a certified relationship therapist, says in PsychologyToday that you can follow these steps:
- Set a time limit: 20 to 30 minutes is usually a good start for a timeout.
- Do something relaxing and distracting (deep breathing, meditating, walking, listening to music or playing a game, for example).
- Don’t think about the argument you want to make to your partner and what you want to say next when you see him or her. Takes a complete break from the conflict and lets it rest completely.
- Come back together at the agreed time, even if only to tell your partner that you need more time.
- When you are calm and ready to talk, calmly pick up where you left off before you set the timeout.
- Start telling each other how you feel and what you need from your partner: a gentle start.
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2. Rephrase
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner can communicate openly about what is bothering you, but also about what is going well in the relationship. It’s important to talk not only about the problems in the relationship , but also about the positives so that no one feels like they are doing everything wrong.
Another technique that can help you to drastically reduce conflicts in your relationship comes from John Gottman, an American psychological researcher. Gottman conducted research into marriages and divorces for four decades and came up with, among other things, the importance of reformulation. He did this through the ‘I statement’, where you have to imagine your own reaction if someone else were to approach you in the way you intend.
Provide an alternative
According to Gottman, the power lies in the way of communicating, where a message must be conveyed in such a way that the other person does not feel criticized or defensive. To prevent this, it also means that the other person must be approached in a pleasant manner.
A critical example would be: “Seriously? You never do the dishes when I ask you to,” while a cautious alternative would be: “I feel overwhelmed by the pile of dishes because I’m so busy here. Could you help me so that everything is ready when dinner is ready?”
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The Gottman formula
Do you see the difference? Say your original words out loud to yourself and then imagine your own response. The alternative words do not involve guilt, criticism, contempt or judgment. According to Gottman, the formula for a perfect ‘I-statement’ looks like this:
- Start with “I feel…” This makes you take responsibility for your own feelings.
- Describe these feelings without using the word “you” – and thus placing blame on the other person.
- Ask for a positive need: “Can you” or “Do you want?” instead of using the imperative mood, such as “Don’t do that again.”
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