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I still remember all the parent evenings and comments on my report: “She is a good student, but she should be more vocal”. “She is very quiet”. “She should speak out more”. They were my annual reminder that, despite my hard work, I will never be successful unless I change something about my quiet nature.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to change, I envied the kids who raised their hands when asked a question. I was an expert at avoiding the teacher’s gaze. I always hoped the teacher would skip me so someone else could have a turn. If I did get pointed at, I would mumble my answer and be glad I had been. I never understood how it was that everything was perfectly formulated in my head, but as soon as I opened my mouth, it was a blur. Why couldn’t I be more like my classmates?
I tried to be more outgoing.
All of this led to a feeling of being less than everyone else. I taught myself ways to not be so quiet. I started talking more in class and took a public speaking course. I willingly put myself out there for harsh criticism. I forced myself to be social. And this helped me create a facade of someone who was outgoing and confident. No one ever called me quiet again. Success story, right?
I was finally the person I always wanted to be. But all I felt was emptiness. I didn’t like the superficial conversations at all. When I was out, I preferred to be at home. I didn’t get the deep connection with people I really wanted, no, I got a burnout. When I finally got the approval of others, my physical and mental health were in danger.
It was after a few years that I took a personality test that changed my life. The results of this test were so accurate that it was almost scary. I discovered that I have a very normal introverted personality. A second test showed that I was highly sensitive. I finally understood my quiet nature, it was a characteristic that should be celebrated and not a ‘negative point’.
Unfortunately, 20 years of “guilt” can’t just be wiped away, but I keep moving forward. Here are some things I tell myself when I feel guilty about being silent:
1 It’s okay to be quiet
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Being quiet is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We often feel pressured to participate in group conversations, but the reality is that we are not obligated to speak up. If someone else gets frustrated with my lack of participation, that’s their problem, not mine.
2 There are many reasons why we are quiet and they are all valid
There are so many reasons why I sometimes don’t say much. As introverts and or highly sensitive people, we can easily get overwhelmed or even burn out. We may be shy, we may find public speaking scary, sometimes the music is too loud or the lights are too bright. Or we just get bored during the conversation. And sometimes we just don’t feel like talking, all fine.
3 You Don’t Have to Apologize
I’ve apologized so many times for being so quiet. I’ve said so many times, “Sorry I’m so quiet, I’m a little tired.” Apologizing for being quiet reinforces in your mind the idea that being quiet is negative. You don’t have to apologize for who you are.
4. Other people’s opinions don’t change who you are
People will always have an opinion about you, no matter what you do. When you’re quiet, people often think you’re arrogant or shy. But I’ve started using the phrase, “Who cares?”. Other people’s opinions don’t define who I am as a person. My self-worth isn’t based on other people’s opinions.
5 You are important and valued
You are an interesting, unique, and amazing person with so many strong qualities. You have so much to offer this world, and the world is a better place because of you.
Gandhi once said, “Speak only when it improves silence.” And as quiet introverts, that’s exactly what we do.