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How can you make your relationship work? Very simple. By recognizing, breaking and solving bad patterns in your relationship. That is the tip for a long-term relationship . The patterns you develop in a relationship can say a lot about whether or not a relationship will last.
No relationship is immune to negative relationship patterns. But if you can spot them early enough and do something about them, you can prevent bad patterns from damaging the relationship. But in order to break those negative patterns, you first have to recognize them.
Breaking harmful patterns in relationships seems easy, but there is always a lurking danger that you will fall back into your bad behavior. We give you examples of four bad patterns in relationships and then six tips to break them.
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4 bad patterns in relationships
As humans, we easily get stuck in patterns. Our brains like routine and habit. Unfortunately, many of us get stuck in relationships with unhealthy behaviors without even knowing it’s happening. We therefore give you four examples of bad patterns in a relationship.
1. Not paying attention to each other
Watching a few episodes of ‘Undercover’ together is great to relax after a long day at work. We all do that. But it becomes a problem when all the free time before bed is spent on distractions. These prevent you from being mentally present for your partner and from connecting with each other.
Are you never allowed to watch television? Of course. But if you always do this, you will forget to contact each other. And that is disastrous for the relationship . The same applies if you are both on the phone all evening.
2. Don’t let each other talk things out of you
In the heat of the moment, you may interrupt your partner from time to time.
But if you do that routinely, be careful. It is a pattern that has negative consequences. Doing this regularly will make your partner feel unimportant, irrelevant, and unloved.
Of course you can interrupt the other person every now and then. But as a rule, let the other person finish. And last but not least: don’t forget to listen. If you keep interrupting your partner, your partner will quickly feel that you are not listening or that his or her perspective is not important.
3. Expecting your partner to read your mind
Do you expect your partner to know exactly what you are thinking and therefore do not say what you want? Then you have a bad pattern, because no one can read minds . Your partner can never know exactly what you want if you don’t say it. And therefore you will always be disappointed in your partner, because he or she does not meet your wishes and requirements.
4. Always wanting to be right
Do you and your partner always want to be right? Even if you are diametrically opposed to each other? That’s a bad pattern in your relationship. Sometimes partners are so focused on “winning” a disagreement that they lose sight of how it affects their partner. That is why it is wise to think carefully about whether you really want to always be right in your relationship. That is not necessary at all.
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6 tips to break bad patterns
Now that you know what bad patterns in a relationship can look like, you also want to know the tips for breaking these patterns. You can solve them, reverse them and make good patterns from them. All you have to do is follow these tips.
1. Think about what is being said to you
If you think carefully, do you know which behavior of yours is actually not good for your relationship? It is often the behavior that your partner has pointed out to you several times, but it can of course also be a habit that others tell you about. For example, does your partner keep telling you that you are always on your phone? Usually it’s not about you being on your phone, but about not prioritizing your partner .
If you don’t think about what’s being said to you, you might be tempted to put the phone down and then start Netflix. It becomes a blind spot . But if you were to think about it, you would realize that this is not the solution to the problem.
2. Listen to your partner
Let your partner finish talking and don’t interrupt them directly. Your partner may just need a little more time to tell the whole story. If you keep interrupting your partner, your partner will want to tell you less and less. See it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and the relationship.
Do you recognize this? Then try to change your behavior by listening to your partner. Let your loved one finish and do not give your opinion immediately. If you do this structurally, you will see that your relationship with your partner will become much better.
3. Make regular, attentive contact with your partner
Do you prefer to watch a series on Netflix every day? And don’t you do that two days a week, but really every day of the week? Then you can see that this is at the expense of paying attention to each other. The solution is not to cancel Netflix. It’s being aware of what you’re doing when you’re always distracted.
Try to break this bad pattern by, for example, doing something fun with your partner at least one evening a week. No Netflix, an attentive evening for each other. It could be a night out, or it could be playing a game at home . It doesn’t even matter what you do together, as long as it’s something that allows you to connect with each other.
4. Tell your partner what you want
If you don’t say anything, your partner will never know exactly what you want. Negative patterns often arise when one or both partners do not speak out and assume that the partner receives the signals but does not take action. So tell your partner exactly what is bothering you, what your emotional needs are and what you would like to see differently.
5. Plan enough we-time
Many people plan me-time , but forget the we-time . They do work on themselves, on their own peace and their own well-being. But they don’t work on the relationship. To prevent the relationship from being taken for granted by one or both, it is wise to schedule sufficient time for each other. Grab your agendas and block off certain parts of the day and evenings. At those moments you will do something together. And agree that nothing should come between.
6. Also discuss the difficult topics
Are you the type who prefers not to discuss the difficult topics? Do you tend to bury your head in the sand? And are you a real introvert? Immerse yourself in improving that, because it is not beneficial for your relationship.
Is talking about feelings and emotions not your strong suit? Write it on a note and let your partner read it. However you do it, make sure you discuss it. Does your partner find it difficult to discuss these types of topics? Then make sure that he or she feels safe to be vulnerable with you. So don’t judge immediately, but try to listen and, above all, show understanding.
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