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It can be a bit of a shock when your child suddenly starts using foul language. Your child probably picked it up somewhere. Swearing or foul language in children is more common than you think. It may be something they pick up at school, from television, or even from you.
Bad language doesn’t necessarily have to be a sign of poor parenting or behavioral problems. It can be a way for your child to express emotions or explore boundaries. Swearing and foul language is something that almost all parents have to deal with at some point. But how do you deal with it in a smart way without making the situation worse or unintentionally encouraging your child to continue? In this article, we’ll discuss why children use bad language, how to respond effectively, and what you can do to prevent it.
Why do children swear or use foul language?
Children use foul language for a variety of reasons. Toddlers and preschoolers often have no idea what they are saying. They hear a new word, see that it provokes a reaction, and then try it out themselves. It feels exciting, interesting and sometimes even cool. For them, it is just part of the learning process in which they explore the world around them. What reaction does it provoke in the other person? In this way, children also experiment with boundaries.
Swearing can also be a way to express frustration or anger. Some children cannot yet express their feelings well, especially when they are overwhelmed by emotions, and then swearing is a way to express themselves. Research shows that swearing can also have a positive effect on people. For example, it can provide pain relief; by swearing you can better deal with pain and stress (Stephens, Atkins & Kingston, 2009).
For older children, name-calling can be a way to test their independence or impress their peers. They want to see how far they can go. Sometimes they are simply imitating what they hear from others, such as friends or in the media. It is therefore good to think about where your child may have picked up these words.
How do you respond effectively to swearing or foul language from children?
It is tempting to react immediately. You may get angry or embarrassed if it happens in public. By reacting strongly or getting angry, you are actually drawing extra attention to the behavior. This can actually make the swearing worse.
It works better to remain calm and let your child know that the language is not acceptable. Calmly explain why certain words can be hurtful. For example, say:
“You don’t use that word, it can hurt or sadden others.”
Also ask yourself, how bad is it really? Is it really a problem or are you mainly afraid that your child will say this in public one day? Or does it feel to you as if you have failed to raise your child properly?
For young children, toddlers and preschoolers, it often works well not to react too much to it or sometimes to ignore it completely. Especially if you have already explained it before. More attention to it can sometimes cause the swearing to increase.
With older children, try to find out what the underlying emotion is. Was your child angry, frustrated, did he or she feel hurt, did he/she want to belong, or does your child need your attention? By talking about these feelings, you help your child understand his/her emotions and express them in an appropriate way. You can also respond to the underlying need and teach your child alternatives instead of swearing.
Positive parenting for children with coarse language
Positive parenting means that you focus on the behavior that you do want to see. This also applies to foul language. If your child expresses himself nicely in a situation where he could have sworn, praise this. For example, say: “I think it’s great how you stayed calm when you were angry. That way I could help you better.” In this way you reinforce the desired behavior. Also name the behavior that you do want to see . So instead of “Don’t swear” , say “Tell your sister to stop”.
What can you do to prevent foul language from being used by children?
First, it is important to realize that you cannot completely prevent foul language. It is part of normal and healthy development for children to experiment with it. However, you can make sure that the swearing does not get worse and that the foul language does not get out of hand.
1. Set a good example
If you often swear, there is a good chance that your child will adopt this behavior. As a parent, set a good example. If you often swear yourself and you do not want your child to swear, then it starts with changing your own behavior. After all, children imitate a lot of what they see and hear from you. Try to be conscious about your language use, especially in stressful situations. And if you do use a swear word, acknowledge it. For example, say: “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That is not a nice word.”
2. Offer alternatives
Teach your child how to express their frustrations and emotions in a different way. Instead of swearing when they are angry, they can do a deep breathing exercise or say something positive. This takes time, but with regular practice your child will be able to use these alternatives better and better. Research shows that swearing can provide relief from frustration, stress and pain. Teach your child words that you find acceptable, such as “chips” or “damn it”.
3. Talk about emotions
Many children do not always know how to express their emotions and feelings, which can lead to swearing or using foul language. Talk to your child about his/her feelings and give him or her words for those emotions. This helps children to express their frustrations in a more constructive way. Read here how you can teach your child to deal with emotions .
4. Avoid negative influences
From the moment children go to school, their world expands and they come into contact with more foul language. They pick this up on the school playground, so you can’t prevent it completely. You can, however, pay attention to which programs, films, vlogs or games your child watches. In many media, foul language is used, which children quickly adopt without sometimes fully understanding what it means. Watch with your child and explain why certain words may be used in that context, but why that doesn’t mean it’s okay to use those words yourself.
5. Set clear boundaries
Children need clear rules. As a parent, make sure you are consistent in your approach to bad language. Make your expectations clear. For example, you could say, “In our house, we use respectful language, even when we are angry.” Remind your child of this rule when they go wrong, but be sure to praise them when they follow it.
7. Use humor
Sometimes humor can be a powerful way to diffuse tension and address bad language. If your child says a swear word, you can respond with a funny but firm comment. This shows that you will not tolerate the behavior, without having to get angry. Humor can help lighten the conversation and reduce the negative connotation of the swear word.
What if your child continues to swear and use foul language?
Sometimes a calm and positive approach does not help immediately. Does your child continue to swear, despite the tips above to prevent swearing? Then read the tips below.
Dirty words – 5 minutes
Is your child still young and is the swearing relatively harmless, such as pee and poop talk in toddlers and preschoolers? Then include a ‘5-minute swearing’. Agree with your child that he/she can say all the dirty words for 5 minutes and that this is not allowed for the rest of the day. Join in yourself, this is often very funny and children have a lot of fun. The rest of the day, gently remind your child of the agreement. This way, your child learns not to use these words all day long. After a few days, you will notice that the automatism of using swear words quickly decreases.
Talk to your child
Try to figure out why your child keeps swearing. Ask open-ended questions like, “What makes you use that word? ”, “Is something bothering you?” or “Are you feeling angry or frustrated about something?” By listening carefully, you may gain more insight into what’s going on and help your child learn to express their feelings differently. Sometimes a child feels like they’re not being heard, and using foul language can be a way of letting them know that things aren’t going well for them.
Give it time
Apply the above tips and give it time. Check again whether you are really responding positively and reinforcing the positive behavior instead of just limiting the swearing.
Realize that swearing is part of normal development and do not be too hard on yourself and your child. Ask yourself whether it is really that bad, or whether it is appropriate for the age of your child.
Involve the school
If you notice that the foul language is mainly used at school and the above tips do not work well, it may be a good idea to work with the teacher. Schools often have rules and programs to encourage respectful behavior. Together with the teacher, you can look at how your child can be supported consistently in both environments.
Consider Help
If foul language is associated with aggressive behavior or other problems, it may be helpful to talk to a child coach , educational psychologist, or child psychologist. They can help you look deeper into the cause of the behavior and provide you with strategies to address it.
Bad language in children is usually a normal part of development. It is a way to test boundaries and express emotions. The most important thing is to stay calm and help your child deal with emotions in a positive way. Provide alternatives, be a good role model, and remember that children learn a lot from what they see. Ultimately, it is about teaching your child to communicate respectfully, even in difficult situations. With patience and the right approach, bad language can eventually decrease.