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The first experience most men have with online dating? That it is not as easy as they thought. Many men write a profile text , add some photos and wait for the messages to come in. Guess what ? That is not how it works.
A day later and countless inbox refreshes later, the conclusion is that it’s not that easy. The lack of messages makes men quickly realize that most women don’t like to make the first move . Just like in real life, they prefer to leave it to the men.
There are more assertive women these days who have the guts to go out and hunt for nice men themselves , but the rule is still that the man initiates the contact. That used to be the case, and it still is.
Anywhere, anytime
It doesn’t matter if you’re on a traditional dating site or a modern dating app . As a man, you should initiate the conversations, and it’s the exception rather than the rule that you’ll get a response. But the responses you do get are a clear sign of interest. If you don’t screw it up, there’s a good chance it’ll lead to a first date .
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It’s the man’s turn
It is up to the man to arrange the first date. The woman is the one who decides whether this happens. Even if you look like a cover model, have defined abs or can talk like Brugman; it is up to you to ask the woman out. It may be a bit old-fashioned to think that the man should take the lead. But that is still how it works. At least, if you want to be the man who takes the initiative. The man who wants to impress asks the woman on the first date, not the other way around. Times are changing, but this traditional approach has not entirely changed.
When she is ready
In a perfect world, everything is simple; you text a woman “Hi, how are you?” and she responds with “Fine, do you want to meet up?”. As you know, this is not how it works in real life. It takes more than that to win a woman over . On the other hand, you don’t have to text her for days before you can meet her. Here’s what you need to know if you want to ask her out on a date:
1. She must be attracted to you
In order to get a response from a woman at all, she has to be attracted to you. Every woman first looks at your profile including the photos. So if you get a response, it means that the woman is somewhat attracted to you. Whether it is the profile text that appeals to her and your photos less or the other way around; there is a certain level of sexual attraction .
This is the first step in arranging the first date . The second step is to make sure that this attraction is reinforced by what comes next; the conversation.
2. She needs to feel safe
Women hear horror stories about miserable first dates that put all women on guard. This is not only good to understand, but also wise. For the man, this means that you have to put the woman at ease first . It is up to you to take away any fears about meeting up.
You don’t have to be extremely sweet in your messages, but you also don’t have to say that you’re not a stalker. This might even come across as creepy , like you have something to hide. The point is to act normal to her so that she feels safe with you.
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Switch to WhatsApp
Once you know she likes you and you’ve exchanged enough messages, there’s no need to ask for more. You don’t need to know her deepest secrets or what her favorite color is. She doesn’t need to know everything about your past or how you like your coffee. Strike while the iron is hot; you already know enough to meet up. Why do this ASAP?
1. You save time
Life is busy enough without all those conversations on dating apps. Where you send many messages as a man, you get many conversations that lead to nothing. If the result is not positive, then it is better to spend as little time as possible on it. By quickly switching to WhatsApp and then asking her out, you prevent yourself from spending too much time on women who are not interested enough or are only active on the app to pass the time or an ego boost.
2. You have to save something for the dates
There is no need to lay everything out on the table right away. Less is often more when it comes to dating conversations. The more you chat with her, the more she knows about you and the more likely it is that there will be something in there that will turn her off. Interest often wanes rather than increases when you chat for too long.
What you tell her should arouse her interest and that can only be achieved by remaining mysterious so that it is a challenge for her to find out more about you. Moreover, you should still have enough material to talk about for the actual dates.
3. You have to steal her away
Dating apps ensure that attention is divided over different conversations. Don’t think that you are the only one chatting with her. During the time that you are chatting with her, she is continuously approached by other men. You have her attention now, but for how long?
If another, even more attractive man shows up, then it’s game over. And then you’ve invested all your time for nothing. That’s why it’s important to get her off the dating app as soon as possible, so that other men don’t stand a chance.
4. You want to know what she is like in real life
Why she never smiles in pictures? She’s missing a front tooth, which ruins every smiling selfie with an impressive ‘bicycle shed’. Now this is a bit exaggerated, but when you chat with each other you don’t know what she’s like in real life and what she looks like in reality. Who knows, you might be irritated by the sound of her voice or she might whine about all sorts of little things.
While you have the most interesting conversations online, it can be very different in real life. This happens more often than we as men would like. Afterwards you think ‘if only I had spent less time on it…’ and that is why you better switch to WhatsApp as soon as possible to meet up.
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How fast?
Ask too soon and you will come across as pushy, ask too late and she will lose interest. There is no hard and fast dating rule that determines when you should ask a woman out on a date. It mainly depends on whether the conversation meets the condition of whether she feels safe with you. At least safe enough to meet you. This not only differs per woman but also per dating site, app and situation.
Try not to wait too long and take as a rule that you can ask after two medium-length chat sessions. Think of 30 to 50 messages back and forth per conversation. The first session is too fast for many women but a second chat session is perfect for this; after all, it confirms her interest in getting to know you. Don’t be afraid of being rejected and don’t take it personally. Either you get a positive response or she is simply not interested enough. You will only know what answer you get when you ask the woman out on a date.
5 things you should not do
Asking someone out on a date is not difficult; you just need to know how the game works. You can try it yourself in many ways, but that is a waste of your time. That is why it is better to use the knowledge of others who have tried it themselves.
There are many ways to propose a date to someone you don’t know (well) yet. You can make the proposal directly, but also indirectly . Through the experiences of others, we now know a lot about what does and doesn’t work when asking a woman out. If you want more success with the first date proposal, then don’t do the following:
1. Ask her if she wants to meet up
“Would you like to meet up with me sometime?” This is not a question most women want to hear. It should not be a question of whether she wants to meet up. You know your worth and assume she wants to meet up with you. So don’t ask the question and just make a suggestion that you want to meet up. It shows that you have experience with women and women often find that attractive, a man who knows what a woman wants.
2. Saying the unexpected
When proposing a date, choosing the right moment is often the hardest part. When should you pull the rabbit out of the hat and propose to meet up? The right moment is first of all during an ongoing conversation, where it doesn’t come as a surprise. If the conversation is moving fast and flowing, then you can ask her out, for example after asking some introductory questions or flirting.
3. Sounding desperate
If you notice that she doesn’t respond to your proposal to meet up right away, don’t ask why she doesn’t respond. Maybe she’s not ready yet and wants to get to know you better . Continue the conversation as if nothing happened. As soon as you see another opportunity, make the proposal again. If she doesn’t respond to your proposal, this is a sign that she might not want it.
4. Suggest a specific day
What you should not do is ask if she is available on a specific day. This increases the chance that she has something else on that specific day, after which you will have to ask again for a different day. This will make you lose control of the proposal by having to suggest a day multiple times. You can prevent this by not mentioning a specific day during the proposal.
A better approach is to ask her about her schedule for the coming week. For example, “What does your schedule look like for next week?” or “Do you have any plans for the weekend?” are better questions if you want to know when she has time to meet up. These indirect suggestions also give her a hint that you want to meet up, which women often pick up on quickly. They can then respond appropriately, as in this example:
Example
- You: ..And so I’ve been busy all day today. What does your schedule look like next week?
- She: Monday having wine with friends, Thursday volleyball, but Wednesday and Tuesday I have time.
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5. Putting all hope in one person
On a dating app, there are not only women who are looking for a relationship or date. One is there for an ego boost to find out which men are interested, another for the entertainment, yet another just wants to chat; there are many women who do not want a date. It is therefore important not to put all your hopes on one woman.
Before you know it, you’ll be wasting a lot of time on a woman who has no intention of dating you. If you haven’t said or done anything out of the ordinary and she still doesn’t want to meet up with you, it’s time to move on and find someone else. There’s no point in being strung along .
In online dating, the goal is to meet someone. To achieve this, you need to propose a date. Remember, you are asking her to meet you, not to please you. As hard as it may seem to make the proposal, the worst thing that can happen to you is to be told no . And that is not as bad as it sounds.
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