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Happy relationships are not the result of the absence of conflict. In fact, disagreements from time to time make a relationship stronger. “Friction is the spice of life,” as they say in the vernacular. And if we are completely honest, disagreements happen in every relationship, no matter how happy you are with each other.
Prevent arguments and conflict?
Avoiding conflicts is not the solution: avoiding causes suffering. Problems pile up and with the best intentions people drift further and further apart. Until the moment comes when it is too late. And that is often not necessary at all.
The point is to find a happy medium in how you handle your disagreements. You can stand your ground without hurting your partner and you don’t have to insult your partner to get your point across; honest disagreement is always possible.
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Setting “rules” for disagreeing is. Ultimately, this is far more important than trying to never disagree. If you want a strong relationship , where disagreements don’t get in the way of happiness, here are 14 rules for a fair fight.
1. Don’t raise your voice
It’s tempting to raise your voice during a disagreement, but this won’t solve it. Yelling and screaming only makes it worse. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself in a competition to see who can shout the loudest. And once it has started, the gate is open. If your emotions are running too high, take a break or temporarily distance yourself from the situation.
- Do not use offensive language.
2. Don’t interrupt the other person
The goal in any disagreement is to find a common answer. This only works if both tell their story, express emotions and tell what is bothering them. In practice, it often happens that one partner is interrupted because the other partner does not want to hear it or already knows what is going to be said. This approach only leads to more frustration. Letting your partner finish talking, and not interrupting, increases the chance of a solution.
- Avoid disagreements when you are tired and easily irritated.
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3. Don’t criticize
Do you tend to criticize your partner? It may be hard to control yourself when you think your partner has made a mistake, but criticizing, correcting or correcting them will not help you. “Why are you doing that again? It is much better that you..” or “No, you shouldn’t do that.”
The problem with these forms of criticism is that it only adds tension to the relationship and certainly does not help resolve conflicts.
- Don’t constantly correct your partner.
- Don’t lecture your partner.
4. Avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’
Some of the most dangerous words you can use in a conflict are words like “always” and “never.” In the heat of a disagreement, these two words can easily slip out of your mouth. And then you use them as a proverbial hammer to hurt your partner’s feelings. “You never empty the dishwasher,” or “You always come home late from work.” This is the type of communication that turns a disagreement into an argument; and you don’t want that.
- Don’t raise the recurring problem over and over again.
5. Try to understand
One way to find a solution in a conflict is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if you were the ‘guilty’? Then why would you have done it? Even if your partner has made a big mistake, it’s important to educate yourself about it. Because if you show that you try to understand your partner, even if you don’t quite succeed, it is always good for the relationship.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
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6. Don’t blame your partner
A disagreement, conflict or argument is not about winning or losing; it is a matter of mutual responsibility. So blaming your partner is not the answer, because there is no question of guilt. Moreover, do you want your partner to feel like a loser? Or do you want a solution to the problem? So stop wasting precious energy, focus on what’s important and resolve the relationship conflict in a way that works for both of you.
- Doesn’t keep score.
- Avoid making your partner feel bad.
7. Don’t wait for it to escalate
Disagreements are not the problem, it’s how you deal with them. And this also means that a difference of opinion is not a problem. You may think that any form of conflict is better avoided, but this creates a new problem. The longer you avoid disagreements, the greater the chance that the bomb will explode later. And then it is no longer a small disagreement, but a life-threatening monster that makes you explode with anger.
- Confront problems early.
8. Don’t bring up old issues
What goes wrong in many relational conversations is that the almost forgotten things from the past are brought into the picture. And if you want to avoid a fight, this is probably the worst thing you can do. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, especially if you keep bringing it up.
Bringing up past mistakes during an argument is reason enough to despise you. It is not solving a problem, but adding to it. Because your disagreement suddenly turns into disagreements.
- Leave the past behind.
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9. Don’t threaten a breakup
Whether you threaten a divorce or leave the shared home; it does not help to resolve a conflict. Threatening a divorce or relationship break-up during the argument damages the relationship in several ways. It makes your partner insecure , because breaking up the relationship is apparently on your mind. And in fact it is also a form of blackmail; if you do not ‘win’ the conflict, you deprive your partner of the opportunity to be with you.
- Also, don’t threaten physical violence.
- Don’t punish your partner by denying them something.
10. Share what you think and feel
Sometimes we think that our partners can read our minds. But your partner can’t and you really have to tell them what’s bothering you. If you share your needs with your partner, but also your emotions, you give your partner the chance to understand you better. And if your partner understands you better, conflicts will occur less quickly and differences of opinion will be resolved faster.
- Make it a habit to talk more and think less.
11. Don’t deviate from the issue
There is no need to confirm your opinion on the issue by bringing in another issue. In many relationships, people make the mistake of bringing other issues into the equation, as if that will help them “win” the disagreement. You’re only making things worse. The actual disagreement is concocted with layers of other issues, often unrelated.
- Stick to the original disagreement.
12. Use humor to relieve tension
Humor is a good way to end a disagreement with a laugh. It clears the air and it is not without reason that it is said; “Laughter is the best medicine.” A well-placed joke can immediately stop both of them from discussing meaningless topics.
Humor helps you take it all a little less seriously. And if you think about it, often it’s about nothing at all and the relationship you have as a whole is much more important.
- Please note that this does not work for everyone.
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13. Don’t fight in front of the kids
One of the harmful things you can do to a child is to fight out a conflict in front of the child and then not resolve it. Children already feel that they have little control over their environment, so when parents argue this feeling is multiplied. As a parent you have an exemplary role; so if you don’t resolve conflicts in the presence of your children, the children will take over.
And children tend to believe that they are somehow responsible for their parents’ disagreements, which can lead to an unhealthy cycle of self-blame. Children who often witness their parents’ fights may also have difficulty adjusting to society and have trouble making friends as they grow older.
- Don’t involve anyone other than both of you in the conflicts.
14. Look for a solution
As humans we have different needs, emotions and boundaries. So it never happens that two people think and feel the same about everything, although you can think differently about that when you have met your twin soul. In general and in most relationships, disagreements are unavoidable and it is always about finding a compromise.
And that is only possible if you set your own boundaries, while remaining flexible in the area between these boundaries. In case of conflict, always try to find a compromise in the overlap of your areas that fall within each other’s borders.
- Don’t use the silent treatment.
- Talk and listen equally.
Conflicts in relationships are an opportunity for growth. When you can resolve a relationship conflict in an honest way, you build trust and safety. Often people get caught up in their relationship problems and forget about all the wonderful things they have built together. All the focus is on winning an argument or being right, while that does not make you happy in a relationship . The real goal is to find a successful solution and get closer to each other.
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