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Sex, something that becomes an increasingly smaller part of the relationship for some couples as the relationship lasts longer. And you may become unsure or have questions about that. What is ‘normal’? How do other couples have this?
According to sexologists, a sexless relationship is a relationship in which you have sex 10 or fewer times a year. But of course this also varies per person. Because one couple is very happy to have sex once a month, while for another couple this is not frequent enough and feels like a sexless relationship. That’s why you shouldn’t really be talking about quantity but about quality. The extent to which both people find it enjoyable and see it as a positive aspect of their relationship.
How often do other couples have sex?
Of 659 people in the US who gave details of their sex lives in 2018, 19% were in what is considered a sexless relationship. They reported having had 1, 2 or no sex at all in the past year. About 35% of that group had sex 1 to 3 times a month, 25% had sex weekly and 21% had sex several times a week.
It is good to know that sex in long-term relationships fluctuates for almost every couple. Most couples experience sexless periods in their relationship. This is often because people are too busy, there is a temporary conflict, there are health problems or there is a temporary mismatch in the libido.
A sexless relationship does not necessarily have to be bad for your relationship; if both are happy without sex there is not much to worry about. But if one person in a relationship is dissatisfied, this can spill over into other areas of their lives and damage the entire relationship. If one partner is dissatisfied, this can lead to:
- Negative feelings such as loneliness, resentment, bitterness, rejection and insecurity.
- Less openness to each other and therefore a poorer connection
- Doing less for each other
- Be less friendly to each other
- Have less patience for each other.
Ultimately, this can end up in a negative circle for your relationship. If your sex life isn’t healthy, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a bad relationship, but it can certainly take its toll.
What can you do about it?
1. Talking about sex
Talk about it and approach this conversation as a team. Try to create a win-win situation for both of you. This should dominate the conversation. What are the obstacles? What happened that there is less sex now? Which aspects can we change?
2. Sex can surprise you, even when you don’t feel like it, and can even be better than expected.
People who have sex with their partner, even if they are not in the mood for it, often still enjoy sex. Sometimes foreplay is necessary to get in the mood and talking about it openly with your partner can do wonders for your relationship. And even if your sex drive remains low, you can still enjoy the fact that you are intimate and close to your partner during sex.
3. Have fun
Sex is fun and enjoyable. Therefore, have fun during sex. Give yourself permission to enjoy yourself and let go of your idea of ’normal’. Purchase toys such as a vibrator or relax with an erotic massage. Sex toys are not scary or crazy and can give your sex life that little bit more passion.
Also read: 20 Best Date Night Ideas at Home
4. Sex can be sexy even if it is not spontaneous.
Couples who choose to make sex a priority in their relationship often feel more connected to each other. When couples choose to have sex regularly, this strengthens their intimate bond and therefore the relationship. When you plan sex or decide to have sex, this does not detract from the experience. It just shows that you want to work together on your relationship as partners.
Remember that everyone is different and it is normal to have less sex at times. As long as there is good communication and a willingness to work things out together, a relationship can handle a lot.
Also Read: The relationship advice of a divorced man after 16 years of marriage
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