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In life, things are constantly changing. For example, your child suddenly chooses a different sport. Or you get a new colleague at work. Or a loved one gets sick. All sorts of things happen around you that you have no direct influence on, but that you still have to deal with.
Sometimes you choose a big change yourself, for example by moving, or by looking for another job or with the arrival of a new child. These changes are very exciting, because it often requires a whole new lifestyle from you.
But you as a person are also constantly developing. Outwardly you change through ageing. Inwardly through life experience. Through new insights old principles can suddenly be let go and others take their place.
In parenting too, you are constantly confronted with new phases. Just when you think you know how to deal with a certain situation as a parent, your child goes through a development that requires something else from you.
In short, you cannot stop change .
It is part of life. Yet I often notice in people around me, and also in myself, that change is difficult. It creates uncertainty and evokes fear, because you do not know what it will bring you.
You know what you have, not what you get. You tend to cherish what you have and you look for arguments why the current situation is good as it is. This causes you to sometimes try to hold on to things longer than is good for you. This also sometimes happens with problems that you experience.
The fear of the solution can be greater than the problem itself. For example, you may experience problems with the fact that your children do not listen to you. The solution could be that you take more control and become clearer in what you expect from them. But the fear of even more conflicts and tantrums can prevent you from daring to take the lead.
And so you remain stuck in a circle and the situation often does not improve. Until it escalates or unexpected things happen, which means you have to change. You can then only react to the situation that presents itself. This often does not feel pleasant, because you feel at the mercy of the situation and lack any form of support.
Four key insights on how to deal with change:
1. Change requires letting go . As long as you hold on to an existing situation, there is no room for change. But you can only let go of something if you have held on to it. For example, are you worried about your child’s computer use? First become aware of what you experience as a problem. Are you afraid that your child will become addicted, for example? Or do you not know how to limit it? Recognize to yourself what is going on. Can you change something about it? Then do so! If you are unable to do anything about the situation or have no influence on it, then accept what is there and let it go.
2. Change starts with you . Parents often express the wish that if their child behaves better, their problems in raising them will be solved. If you place the solution to your problems with someone else, you can wait a long time for improvement. Because the problem you experience is your problem. Someone else may also suffer from it, but experiences the problem from his or her perspective.
3. Change requires making choices and different behavior. You cannot change by continuing to do the same. For example: parents want more peace and time with their children, but do not make choices in planning their week. Or they think that things are not going well in the family in the morning, but do not get up earlier, so that there is more time.
4. Change comes about when you know what you want . I always ask parents what the coaching should bring them. For example, they say: I want my child to stop screaming, or to stop reacting so aggressively, or not to be anxious. In the desired result, they mainly mention what they don’t want, what they want to get rid of. But where do you want to go? What will replace not screaming? What do you see your child doing then? How do you respond to your child then? If you know where you want to go, then you can set out on the path to the new and change suddenly becomes an exciting adventure in which you can travel step by step.
Are you struggling with a problem in your family, try to focus on the change. What would you like to achieve? What does that look like in concrete terms? What can you change in the situation? How can you respond to your child in a different way? If you know what you want, you can take steps in the right direction.
This often does not happen automatically, it takes effort and will involve trial and error. But realize that it is better to take action yourself than to wait until the situation or problems force you to change.