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My child doesn’t listen! Many parents suffer from this. You ask your child something and it feels like you’re talking to a brick wall. You feel frustrated and wonder why your child isn’t listening to you. Fortunately, there are ways to improve communication with your child and make sure your child listens to you better. In this article, you will find practical tips and advice to build positive and effective communication with your child.
My child doesn’t listen
It is one of the most common frustrations of parents in raising children . Children who do not listen and do not do what is asked. Both your child and you as a parent become frustrated. Logical, because you feel ignored as a parent and perhaps you also have the feeling that you are not doing a good job as a father or mother. This increases your irritation. Perhaps you start shouting or repeating the same thing over and over again with more and more irritation in your voice.
Your child then gets the message: “You never listen! ” Do you recognize this? Then it is good to do something about it and change this pattern. For yourself and for your child. Because your child gets the feeling that he or she is a disobedient child (read ‘bad child’ ), because a child’s self-image is still developing.
Why isn’t my child listening?
Children often do not listen because they do not feel understood or because they are distracted. A child often has different priorities than we do as parents. He or she does not think it is important at all that something is tidied up, or your child does not think it is important to hurry up.
Sometimes your child does not fully understand the instructions or he or she simply does not feel like obeying. It is important to realize that the brain of children is still developing. They are still learning many skills, such as having a sense of time, focus and concentration, following instructions, gaining an overview and motor skills .
In addition, children are often guided by their emotions. If your child is angry, sad or excited, it can be more difficult for your child to listen. It is important to first provide space for your child’s emotions, before asking your child to do something. This helps to create an emotional connection and reduces resistance. Read here how you can deal with your child’s emotions in 5 steps .
9 tips to get your child to listen
1. Active listening
If you want your child to listen to you, it starts with you. Make sure you are actively listening yourself . After all, why should your child listen to you if you don’t listen to him or her?
This means giving your full attention when your child is saying something. Show that you are really listening by making eye contact, nodding, and responding to what your child is saying. This makes your child feel heard and understood, which increases the chance that he or she will listen to you too.
2. Make contact first
Only start talking to your child when you have his or her attention. Calling from across the room will not reach a child 9 times out of 10. You will feel ignored, which makes many parents angry. So first walk to your child or tap your child and then give your instruction.
If your child is completely absorbed in his/her activity, talk to him/her first and only give the instruction when you really have his or her attention. Research shows that when you feel more connected to a person, you are more open to listening to them and following their suggestions. So by connecting with your child first, you help your child listen to you.
3. Don’t repeat yourself
Don’t give your child the same instruction 3 times. This will only irritate both you and your child. Ask something only once and if your child doesn’t respond, you probably don’t have contact. So take a step back and first seek contact and connection with your child, as explained above. Then repeat your instruction again and help your child to carry out the instruction by staying with them until your child does what you asked.
4. Give clear and concise instructions
Children respond better to clear and short instructions. Avoid long and complicated sentences. For example, say, “ Put your toys away ,” instead of, “Could you please put your toys away before we go to Grandma’s?” Short and clear instructions are easier to understand and follow.
5. Use positive language
Use positive language and focus on what you want your child to do, rather than what you don’t want them to do. Instead of saying, “Don’t run,” say, “We walk quietly inside.” Positive language is less dismissive and helps your child understand what is expected. Read how to do this in the article: Dealing Positively with Your Child.
6. Stay calm
If your child does not listen, this can cause a lot of frustration for us as parents. Try to keep your own emotions in check and stay calm. No one wants to listen to someone who orders him or her around. This behavior actually creates resistance, also in your child.
Your child is less likely to listen to an angry, hostile tone, so speak calmly and use a positive approach.
7. Empathize with your child
Imagine that you are busy with something important and your partner suddenly wants you to do something for him/her. How would you feel? Look behind your child’s behavior.
Your child has different priorities than you. For example, your child does not think that hurrying up is important. It helps to look at the situation from your child’s point of view and to name this. For example:
“I understand that it is hard to stop playing. You are having so much fun, I can see that! And now you have to ….., that is not fun either”.
8. Create a clear daily structure
Children thrive on predictability and structure. A clear daily routine helps them know what is expected of them. This reduces confusion and resistance. Make sure you are consistent in maintaining structure so that it is predictable for your child.
9. Set realistic expectations
Make sure your expectations are realistic and appropriate for your child’s age and developmental level. For a 2-year-old, it is still too difficult to complete two tasks in a row. For some 6-year-olds who are easily distracted, dressing themselves independently is still too difficult. So don’t just match your child’s age, but also his or her challenges and qualities. Don’t expect too much from your child and be patient. Children need time to learn and develop new skills.
Conclusion
Getting your child to listen can be a challenge, but with the right approach, you can build positive and effective communication. By actively listening, giving clear and concise instructions, using positive language, providing structure and consistency, and building a strong emotional connection, you can help your child become a better listener. Remember, patience is key. With these tips and advice, you can build a strong and healthy relationship with your child, one that is built on mutual respect and good communication.